WTF: Texas Rangers Edition

The Rangers are likely still paying one of these guys.

By now, you’ve probably heard about the horrible financial crisis the Rangers have been involved in for the past…I don’t know…years.  Nolan Ryan and some attorney from Pittsburgh had a deal in place to purchase the club in January, but creditors (read, the people that the Rangers owe money to(read everyone)) didn’t approve so now the Rangers have gone through a bankruptcy plan that includes an auction next week.  So since the creditors got their way initially, they’re probably happy as pigs in slop now.  Or they’re still bitching.

And who do the Rangers owe the most money to?  None other than A-Rod.  And that millionaire wants every penny.  He filed an objection to the bankruptcy plan because he’s concerned about whether or not he will get his nearly $25-million.  Jeez, A-Rod, can’t you just be cool.  Just be cool for once in your life.

That’s all the boring part of the news, however.  Because A-Rod is only one of the players that the Rangers still owe money to.  And the others paint a pretty clear picture of how they got into this mess in the first place.

Other former players among the list of creditors include Kevin Millwood ($12.9 million); Vicente Padilla ($1.7 million); Mickey Tettleton ($1.4 million); and Mark McLemore ($970,051.97).

The Rangers signed Millwood to a 5 year $60-million contract in 2006.  He went 48-46 in his four seasons with the team.  Padilla also made about $12-million per year while playing with the Rangers.  He went 43-34 before Texas pawned him off to the Dodgers midway through 2009.  McLemore hasn’t played ball since 2004!  And he hasn’t played for the Rangers in more than a decade.  And of course, Mickey Tettleton is 79-years-old.

I obviously don’t really understand how the financial aspects of MLB teams work, but how the hell can any professional organization get away with not paying its employees for 13 years?

‘Checks in the mail, Mick.  I promise.’

13 years later…

‘Sorry, Mick.  Clerical error.  But, the money is on the way.  Really.’

13 more years later…

‘Jesus, you aren’t dead yet?  Shit.’

Mark Cuban is reportedly thinking of buying the team and I doubt he would stand for that bush league crap.  Of course, I wouldn’t expect Nolan Ryan would either.  Or…well, any self-respecting businessman.

Tags: Alex Rodriguez, baseball, douchebaggery, MLB, Texas Rangers

Bout Damn Time Thursday Dump

After the new uniforms came in, women's track became the biggest revenue sport at the university.

*rolls out of bed* Welp, I guess I should go ahead and get started on the ol’ link dump.  I slept a little late today…shit, it’s Thursday already?  I hope somebody picked my parents up from the airport, fed my dog and took my girlfriend to the clinic down south for me.  Anyway, the USA-Canada men’s slow-pitch softball border war was this weekend…hilarity ensued.  Be sure to peruse the comment section for softball houliganism.  Yeah, I said peruse.  See what 117 hours of sleep can do for you?  <joesportsfan>

Here’s a video from the new Madden game showing you virtual Obama congratulating Super Bowl champs at the White House.  Plus, Gus Johnson being entirely too dramatic.  Plus, Jacksonville in the Super Bowl.  Riot now Jags fans…this is as close as you’re going to get.  <outsidetheboxscore>

Scroll down the page in this article about Stephen Strasburg to find the hidden gem: he was a fat tub of shit in high school who couldn’t lay off the egg Mcmuffins.  McDonald’s ad execs’ mouths are watering as they think of the possibilities.  And Nationals execs are putting guns to their temples in anticipation of Strasburg ballooning up like Fernando Valenzuela. <wapo>

Here are what somebody thinks are the 20 most ridiculously humiliating sports injuries of all-time.  Not making the list?  Any women.  Because…well, you know.  <sportspickle>

Here’s the story of the guy who drank a beer every mile of the San Francisco marathon.  Did he make it?  Did he die soon after?  You’ll have to go find out for yourself.  I’m not building suspense, I actually don’t know how it turned out.  I drank a beer every time I felt myself getting bored and I can’t see straight anymore.  <twhead>

I kinda want this shirt…or its cousin.  The one that says, ‘BP Oil: for the win’ and has pictures of animals covered in oil.  Either way.  By the way, don’t watch the video.  It features a penis-crippling fat woman yelling right of the bat.  <unf–kthegulf>

And now a couple of Inception related posts because that movie was pretty great.  First, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Inception.  It’s everything the title says it is.  Second, the amazing discovery that the ominous soundtrack from the movie is actually a song used as a key plot point slowed down.  If you haven’t seen the movie yet, you might not want to follow the links…also, get your shit together.  <filmdrunk>

Tags: link dump

Amar’e Stoudemire, The Hebrew Hammer

Amar'e clearly has much to learn about being Jewish

So Amar’e Stoudemire is embracing the Jewish faith now.  Maybe that has something to do with the superfluous apostrophe that showed up in his name awhile back?  Yes?  No?  You’ll soon learn I know very little of Judaism outside of stereo-types and jokes.  Speaking of which, I guess Amar’e’s per diem is going to go a lot farther now.  But he’s also now the worst tipper in the league.  See what I’m saying?

Reportedly, Amar’e’s mother, who was absent for much of his childhood, is Jewish.  Welcome to the Lenny Kravitz club, Amar’e!  Also, watch your ass Omri Casspi.  There’s a new Jew in town/the league.

Stoudemire is currently in Jerusalem, if his Twitter is to be believed.

I’m the new Reggie White. (RIP) I’m going 2 Israel 2 study Hebrew. It’s time 2 get a better understanding on who we R. Follow me !! Shalom

Jerusalem is a beautiful city, I’m at a cafe eating a late lunch. I’m learning Hebrew by the min. Keep up !! Shalom.

Well, he’s got that Shalom thing down, I guess.  But, if the ‘we’ he’s trying to understand better is tall, black, athletic Jews, he’s going to have a difficult time.  Good luck anyway, Amar’e.

Does anyone else find it interesting that he just signed to play in New York and suddenly he’s made it public that he has Jewish ancestry?  It’d be like LeBron revealing that he’s a quarter Puerto Rican.  Or Darko Milicic revealing that he’s Scandinavian.  Or Lance Stephenson revealing that he’s actually incredibly boring (he was drafted by the Pacers).

Amar’e may as well have shown up to his first NY presser with a bagel in his hand, a large slice of pizza in the other and complain about the tourists in Times Square.  Also, he could have made an excuse about being late having to do with the E-train running on the D-train’s schedule.

At any rate, I guess Amar’e Stoudemire is now an authentic New York Jew.  I don’t know who the Blacks got back in return in the Racial Draft, but it must have been somebody good.  Bar Rafaeli, perhaps?

Tags: Amare Stoudemire, Israel, NBA

NFL Asks Players To Read Before It’s Too Late

Based on the list of symptoms, my girlfriend gets a concussion once a month.

First off, let me apologize for the lack of content lately.  I could just tell you that Robbie is a lazy jackass and we could all nod knowingly together for a few moments and then move on.  But, I also saw Inception over the weekend and it has taken me a few days to unscramble my brain.  Not from the  movie, but from how hot Leo is.  fans self I didn’t catch much of the plot…something about elephants.

Anyway, concussions in football have been a hot topic lately, like Twilight t-shirts and studded belts.  See…cause its a store…nevermind.

The NFL, being chiefly comprised of men of action, and Al Davis, has come up with a proactive way to solve the problem. Free posters for every team! Oh God I hope my team gets Leo riding a unicorn under a waterfall!

The poster is actually the one pictured above.  Pretty damn boring and way too wordy for it to catch anyone’s eye.  It’s not nearly as helpful as the idea I presented:

SEX!!

Now that I have your attention concussions are bad.

This poster will hang in the locker rooms of every NFL team, likely behind a door so that when the door is opened, the poster is obscured.  Essentially, this poster is just like the OSHA poster that hangs in your workplace.  No one will read it until they’re waiting for the paramedics.

The league used to hand out pamphlets with health facts about the brain from 1965.

Your Brain and You!

Your brain is a complex series of tubes and wires, when you get a concussion, those wires can come apart.  Thankfully, the NFL employs the best health care workers in the world and concussions are no more a concern than Los Angeles being without a professional team.

So get out there and win…and don’t forget to always lead with your head.

Seriously though, it did say this:

Current research with professional athletes has not shown that having more than one or two concussions leads to permanent problems if each injury is treated properly.

Chris Henry’s brain would like to have a word with the “current research” of 2007.

The new literature says this:

Repetitive brain injury, when not treated promptly and properly may cause permanent damage to your brain.

A slight improvement, but still far away from the more dramatic and realistic:

FOOTBALL MAKES YOU STUPIDER!

Apparently, one draft of the poster also tried to guilt players into behaving correctly by showing youngsters playing a variety of sports with the tagline: “Other athletes are watching.”  I would imagine that that particular idea was abandoned when they remembered that the posters would be posted in locker rooms, where everyone pretends that other athletes are, in fact, not sneaking a peek.

Tags: concussions, football, NFL

Dez Bryant Signs Contract So He Can Holdout

What's he running towards? Dollar bills.

Dez Bryant became the first 2010 first-round pick in the NFL to sign a contract Thursday when he inked a deal with the Dallas Cowboys, reportedly for nearly $12-million over 5 years.  With $8.3 million guaranteed, Bryant is set to risk his body on a weekly basis in the fall for a base salary of $320-thousand.  Considering he’s the 24th pick in the draft, the contract is fairly reasonable.  Considering he’s a big-time talent at wide-receiver, a position notorious for breeding egotistic assholes divas, the contract ensures he’ll have a new contract before he plays a down in the 2011 season.

I honestly can’t understand why either side would agree to a 5-year deal.  Bryant and his agent and the Cowboys know that if Dez performs up to expectations, he’ll be demanding more money immediately.  And if he underwhelms, the Cowboys likely won’t want him around for five years, even at the discounted rate.  But then again, they seem perfectly willing to let Roy Williams steal money from them, so maybe they won’t care.

In my opinion, Bryant is about as likely to play out this contract as his quarterback is to get back together with that beast who ate Jessica Simpson.  It’s unlikely is the point I’m trying to convey.

By the way, Roy Williams signed a 5-year extension with Dallas when he was acquired from Detroit in 2008.  That new deal guarantees him $20-million over the life of the contract.  That means, before any bonuses that Williams almost assuredly misses out on, he makes about $67-thousand per reception.  That also means he’ll out earn Dez Bryant’s annual salary when he makes his fifth reception.  Seems fair to me.

If I was Dez, I’d be swimming in poon and I’d take great pleasure in walking around with my shirt off.  Oh, also I’d holdout when Roy made his fifth catch because of principle.  So that means Dez should holdout after week 9.  Because Roy Williams is terrible.  Get it?

Tags: Dallas Cowboys, Dez Bryant, football, NFL, Roy Williams