Vikings Players Upset That Actions Have Consequences

This is why Brad Childress' golf court is equipped with a cow-catcher

Kevin Williams and Pat Williams put together are essentially two giant paper weights capable of keeping America from floating off into space.  When you consider their immense stature, it’s easy to assume that they are used to getting their own way and rarely suffer the consequences of their actions.  But, everyone has to grow up and understand the way of the world eventually.  That, evidently, even includes millionaires the size of the heroes from tall tales.

Both defensive tackles violated the NFL’s anti-doping policy in 2008 by taking a diuretic that was popularly used to mask steroids.  Both were handed a four-game suspension and though neither disputes using the banned substance, they have appealed and taken their case to federal court.

I like to pretend that the Williamses sound like Samuel L. Jackson in ‘A Time to Kill’.

‘Are you two guilty?’

‘Yes, we deserve to die and I hope we burn in hell…but we’d prefer not to on account of a technicality.’

That doesn’t sound like much of a legal argument and I don’t even think Sam Jackson could’ve made that sound cool.

Both players are represented by the same agent.  So his business card’s claim that he “represents a ton of top tier talent” is statistically correct.  According to said agent, Pat Williams had to “shut down” his community service ventures and his side business because of the negative impact of a positive drug test.  That’s right.  Despite all the convicted criminals who are forced by the law to do community service, Pat Williams was actually prevented from being able to help the less fortunate and better his community because he was disciplined by the NFL.

The agent also says a deal with an energy drink company that would’ve paid Pat $450k over three years fell through after news of the positive test was made public.  This is the part that does strike a chord with me.  It’s tough to think of anything more painful than an athlete who makes millions of dollars per year losing out on more money because of something stupid he did.  This is actually making me tear up more than when I heard about Donte Stallworth’s tragic plight.

I’m not exactly sure what the Williamses argument is here.  I guess they’re upset that the positive test was made public…yes?  I mean, what they took was on a list of banned substances.  They admit to taking it.  But, they somehow manage to get indignant when it’s suggested they accept the punishment for the crime they very obviously committed.  This would be roughly the same as me going out, killing a guy, let’s say for believability it was Jared Allen, then bragging about it, like I definitely would, admitting to it under oath, and then when it came time to accept my sentence, I simply said, ‘no, I won’t be accepting that.  I’m out,’ and calmly strolling out of the court room.  I mean, the Williamses case is a little different because they’ve been allowed to calmly live their lives uninterrupted by the sentence that’s been attempted to be handed down to them.  I’m almost positive some asshat would stop me from doing the same after ridding the world of the jack-in-the-box.

Tags: douchebaggery, football, Kevin Williams, Minnesota Vikings, NFL, Pat Williams, steroids

Hot Imposter Thursday Dump

Known as the Danish Megan Fox... By this site.

Here at BootleggerSports, we don’t need any extra motivation to post or link to pictures of Megan Fox.  So Dylan was looking for spankable material yesterday for research purposes only, (so he told his mom) and came across a unique find.  A Danish model who looked so much like Ms. Fox that her pictures were mislabeled.  And instantly millions of American men asked “Where’s Danish again?”  <popoholic>

We all fantasize about being a professional athlete.  And not just for the raping and killing privileges that come along with it.  Not that that’s not a perk… Anyway, here’s a flow chart to figure out which sport you should go pro in.  I can’t find the alcolympics on here, but I was told they were real.  I’m sure it’s just an over site.  <sportspickle>

And here’s a dog named Burrito that can golf better than I can.  And that was what I was most qualified for.  Outside of the masturbatathon of course.  Here’s video of the dog, not the pud pulling.  <outsidetheboxscore>

Joakim Noah wasn’t nearly the hideously deformed monster that he is today, back before acne, poor decisions and puberty ravaged his face.  Here’s proof.  <notqualifiedtocomment>

If LeBron James gets put on the “No Fly” list and can’t make some of the playoff games, it’s this guy’s fault.  <stacheketball>

Siena has fans that rushed the court.  Here’s a fan’s-eye-view of this event.  And here I thought Siena was just a color and popular stripper’s name.  Before watching this video I would have classified myself as a Siena fan.  <thatfan>

And good day to you all.  Send in basketball related crap whenever you feel like it.  The transition from March Madness to March Sadness is always a comedic one.  Send those to bootleggersports@gmail.com. 

Tags: link dump

Torii Hunter is Colorblind…Kind Of

'Don't think this means I accept your blackness, Aybar'

Angels outfielder, noted letter ‘I’ enthusiast and ‘authentic’ black person, Torii Hunter, has something to say.  You should probably listen to him too because it’s a real doozy.  Imagine if you could combine the ravings of a hobo on a street corner with the discussions of two old men in a barbershop.  Well, imagine now more.  I give you, Torii Hunter.

So, Torii, what are your feelings about the low numbers of African-Americans in baseball and the increasing number of Latino players?

People see dark faces out there, and the perception is that they’re African American.  They’re not us. They’re impostors.

Even people I know come up and say, ‘Hey, what color is Vladimir Guerrero? Is he a black player?’ I say, ‘Come on, he’s Dominican. He’s not black.’

As African-American players, we have a theory that baseball can go get an imitator and pass them off as us.  It’s like they had to get some kind of dark faces, so they go to the Dominican or Venezuela because you can get them cheaper. It’s like, ‘Why should I get this kid from the South Side of Chicago and have Scott Boras represent him and pay him $5 million when you can get a Dominican guy for a bag of chips?’

I’m telling you, it’s sad.

I’m telling you, you’re pretty stupid.

Before I tell you why Hunter’s point is a valid one, oh yeah, that’s coming so stick around, let me point out a few holes in his logic.

If someone asked you, ‘is Vlad Guerrero black,’ I would take one look at him and say definitively, ‘yes’.  Is he African-American?  No, he’s from the Dominican Republic.  But regardless of where you’re from, you are what color you are.  If you’re from Ireland, chances are you’re white.  If you’re from Nigeria, chances are you’re black.  If you’re from the Jersey Shore, chances are you’re orange.  These are facts.

And while we’re on the topic, people Torii Hunter knows must be dumbasses.  Even more so than Torii himself.  So, when you look at it that way, you have to forgive Torii for voicing his ridiculous opinions because when contrasted to the random bullshit the people around him are spouting, it sounds pretty reasonable.

Also, ‘the perception’ isn’t that all black players in MLB are African-American.  Unless of course you’re one of the rahtards that hang around Torii Hunter.  In fact, it’s probably more likely that you would assume a ‘legitimate’ black guy isn’t from the States.  Dontrelle Willis…is he from Cuba or the Dominican?  Well, that may be a bad example because we as Americans probably don’t want to claim him anymore.  But still, no one is hearing names like David Ortiz, Alphonso Soriano, Jose Reyes or Vlad Guerrero and thinking, ‘that sounds like a full-blood American.’  Especially when you hear them speak.

As for Torii’s conspiracy theory, let’s just say that big league clubs aren’t going after kids from Chicago because, in general, they aren’t as good as the kids who have been playing baseball for 10 hours per day since they were 6 and live outside the U.S.  Kids in Chicago have to go to school, sometimes, and have other sports they can play and other things to do.  But, on the other hand, Torii’s assumption that front office types across the country all got together and decided, ‘if we have to have dark faces out there, at least make them have hilarious accents’ is probably correct.

Now, here’s why Hunter’s logic is dead on.  Of course Torii and other ‘bona fide’ black people don’t want to be confused and lumped in with fake black immigrants.  As a white person, I wouldn’t want our ‘authentic’ white folks in the NBA to be confused with those ‘imitation’ white people like Andrew Bogut, Manu Ginobili and Steve Nash.  We don’t need their accomplishments being grouped in with the accomplishments of great American white dudes like Brian Scalabrine, Chris Mihm and Joe Alexander.  I’m sure Torii feels the same away when he thinks about the accolades of Lastings Milledge and Juan Pierre getting buried when lumped in with the accolades of those “imposters.”

Tags: baseball, douchebaggery, Los Angeles Angels, NBA, Torii Hunter

Weary Wednesday Dump

Today feels like this

All is not well with Illinois basketball.  Unless it’s a good thing when your coach and your best player openly show their hatred for each other during a game.  Then everything is peachy.  <midwestsportsfan>

Here’s what really went down that night in Georgia between Big Ben and that poor, most-likely ugly girl.  <kissingsuzykolber>

Want to see video of Babe Ruth being the f*cking man?  You should.  Here he gets beaned, and lets the pitcher know that he’s a big pussy.  <thoughtequity>

Notre Dame has an unfair advantage that nobody else has.  This being that they don’t have to profit share with the rest of a conference, and they have their own special set of rules for getting into the BCS.  It’s complete horse shit.  But now maybe they’re interested in joining the Big 10?  I fail to see the logic in this.  <bleacherreport>

That’s all today.  Because “$2 any beer” specials poop on my face.  Send link tips and story suggestions to bootleggersports@gmail.com.

Tags: link dump

Little Black Tuesday Dump

Dresses are like trails, they're meant to be hiked

Speaking of trails and nudity: Joel Pryzbilla used to play for the PortlandTrail Blazers.  He might do so again, but first he has to learn to not slip in the shower.  This is the worst shower-related injury since Troy Polamalu dropped the soap in front of Roethlisberger.  <thatnbalotterypick>

Javon Walker has finally been released by the Oakland Raiders, officially making him a $55 million mistake.  In perspective, that makes my $400 mistake seem like a much better deal.  And speaking of abortions, how come it’s always the guys who get stuck footing the bill for those?  I already bought dinner and the condoms we didn’t use.  Jeeze, what more do you want from me?  <justblogbaby>

And since we’re on the topic; is it worth getting a vasectomy just so you can stay home for the opening rounds of the NCAA Tournament?  You couldn’t just take vacation time and go to Vegas, and then look for any opportunity to brag about it like I’m doing?  And it doesn’t matter if you’ve been snipped or not in Vegas, because your name is Lance Hardy, and “yeah baby, I got that done two years ago, it’s all right.”  <neswsports>

Without LeBron and Shaq, Cleveland still held off San Antonio.  Speaking of Shaq, he sure has been staying out of headlines a lot lately.  That’s more worrisome than this new mole on my chest.  <midwestsportsfan>

I never had a semi-attractive English teacher send me naked pictures of herself while I was in high school.  That makes me almost as sad as the mental image of the English teachers I did have taking naked photos.  <bustedcoverage>

In honor of all the Spring Break mistakes about to be made by young men and women all over the continent, here are some of the best facebook pictures of SB activities.  They don’t say so, but I argue that this might be NSFW, so be careful.  Speaking of being careful, these pictures are an STD’s wet dream.  <coed>

Big Ben is in big trouble.  At least I thought he was.  Then I learned that his lawyer is the same guy that kept Ray Lewis out of prison for killing that guy.  Wouldn’t it be nice to be rich enough that rape and murder didn’t have consequences?  <espn>

That’s all kids.  It’s Tuesday, and Tuesdays suck.  So send us fun things.  Send them to bootleggersports@gmail.com. 

Tags: link dump