Marshawn Lynch Has A Story

Marshawn is practicing for his second career as a hand model

If only Buffalo Bills’ running back Marshawn Lynch would have been keeping a running diary of his Pro Bowl vacation.  It might have looked something like this…

Friday: Finally made it to Hawaii.  It’s sunny here, which is nice because the ladies can see the light bouncing off my gold tooth.  The guy who drove me from the airport was an amazing driver, he only hit one pedestrian.  I know I couldn’t have done any better.  Going to try to get rested up, tomorrow I hit the beach and find out if any of the natives can braid hair.

Saturday: Turns out Larry Fitzgerald brought a girl with him to do his braids, so she hooked me up too.  Thank God she did, or I would have looked like a crazy homeless guy on national TV.  You know what else is great about Hawaii?  I can wear sunglasses all the time to hide my lazy, pirate eye.  In Buffalo, that bad boy is on display 24/7.  Tomorrow is the big day so I better get going… only 12 hours left to get loaded. 

Monday: The Pro Bowl was as boring to play in as it is to watch.  If they ever move this thing out of Hawaii, count me out.  My boy just told me it’s in Miami next year… get my agent on the phone.  If it isn’t a contract year for me, I’m going to throw the season away so I won’t have to show up.  Miami is great and all, but I’ll hit that up when there’s no shitty exhibition game tied to it. 

Tuesday: God I’m hung-over.  Me and some of the boys stuck around in Hawaii for an extra day and it was worth it.  But now I have to catch a plane and I’m still a little drunk.  Also, my head is throbbing because Kurt Warner won’t shut the hell up.  He’s been quoting scripture to me since 2 AM.  Give that guy one too many shots of Tequila and you’ll pay for it. 

Wednesday:  I’m back in LA but I already miss Hawaii.  You’ll never guess what happened to me.  I was just chilling in my boy’s whip and I decided to put on an impromptu gun safety lesson with the .45 I bought from Plaxico.  (It’s a long story, but just know he’s getting rid of his weapons for cheap)  All of a sudden, these cops show up and put cuffs on me.  I’m worried because I didn’t get to the part of the lesson where I show how to use the safety. 

So, long story short, Marshawn Lynch is a surprisingly good writer.  I guess he made his time in Berkeley count.  Oh, also he got arrested last week for gun possession.  That part is true.  I mean, it’s all true, but that part is really true. 

Like when I say I’ve been sleeping with Marisa Miller, that’s true.  But when I say I’ve been slapped with a restraining order by Marisa Miller, that’s really true.

Tags: Buffalo Bills, Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald, Marisa Miller, Marshawn Lynch, NFL, Plaxico Burress, Pro Bowl

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