Phelps Won’t Be Charged
"Dad-Nabbit! We done been out-smorted ageein!"
Michael Phelps is breathing a sigh of relief today as South Carolina Sheriff Leon Lott announced he would not be charged with anything related to the bong picture.
Sheriff Lott then defended his senseless investigation into Phelps, drawling:
“[He's] an American hero … but even with his star status, he is still obligated to obey the laws of our state.”
He then closed the press conference by spitting tobaccee juice, uttering a racial slur and mumbling something about Yankees and Jews before doing the Rebel yell while hanging out of his patrol car; as of course is custom in South Carolina.
Lott blamed the fact that Phelps never admitted to smoking pot as his primary reason for not pressing charges. I guess drug tests are a bit much to ask of a place that has yet to learn of evolution. Michael is just lucky that the Richland County Sheriff department’s unquenchable thirst for attention and power is trumped only by their staggering incompetence.
The pictures of me offering candy to children out of a window-less van seemed to be enough for those asshole cops in Colorado.
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