The Day Of Madness- LIVE

Yeah I didn't post a hot chick, do something about it

As I lay awake like a kid on Christmas Eve last night, I suddenly thought, “I really don’t want to look around for stories while I’m watching hoops tomorrow”.  Then, a great idea struck me, why not just write about the shitload of basketball I’m watching.  So there it is.  You may get some news today, but you’re definitely going to get the experience of watching all the games with me and my four-legged sidekick.  You usually have to be a pizza-boy or cheap prostitute to get this kind of experience.  I plan on drinking throughout the day, so this will either be a great way to chart my descent into drunken madness, or this will soon be known as ‘Exhibit A’ in my impending trial. 

11:10- CBS already screwed us.  No ‘NCAA on CBS’ song to get my blood pumping?  I was finally going to get that Katy Perry song out of my head. 

11:12- Bruce Weber says no Chester Frazier for Illinois in the first round.  That’s a definite upset-alert.  Roy Williams said something too, but I was hypnotized by his down-home charm.

11:14- Fine, I’ll do it myself. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ponq2hAjAhg&feature=related

11:15- I think I’m going to have that song played at my funeral on bagpipes.  Depending on how the rest of today goes, that might be this weekend.  That’s why I’m planning ahead. 

11:17- Looks like it’s Butler- LSU in Greensboro to lead things off.

11:19- Please be Gus Johnson or Bill Raftery… (fingers crossed)

11:20- Hello Jim Nantz and Clark Kellogg, looks like that nap is going to be coming much faster than I thought.

11:21- Kellogg’s opening line “Butterflies and basketball”.  I think that was a Far Side comic.

11:23- Already 9-0 Tigers.  Well, there goes my perfect bracket.

11:24- Thanks Gillette, you’ve taught me that a digital Roger Federer is even more awkward than the real Roger.  Still a tie in human-ness though.

11:27- Shelvin Mack just put Butler on the board, just wait until he scores again…

11:28- Sound the alarm, Memphis is going down.  7-2, they trail CS Northridge.  So, they could have won C-USA?

11:30- Oh no, CBS switched me to the A&M, BYU game with Carter Blackburn (who?) and Jay Bilas.  How did my announcer pairing just get worse?

11:32- Someone check with Vegas on the odds, I have a hunch this Carter character is just some guy Jay Bilas picked up at a bar last night.

11:34- Lee Kamard is having a terrible start for BYU, he probably misses Harold and is jonesin’ for White Castle. 

11:35- Toast to the first bad joke of the day, get used to it folks.

11:37- Just got our first look at Carter and it’s official… he’s Jay Bilas’s boy-toy.

11:39- BYU has some good names.  Apparently, Jimmer Ferdet (most likely mis-spelled) must be said all together at all times. 

Blackburn: Jimmer Ferdet, the steal and hoop.

Bilas: Jimmer Ferdet is really good in transition, Jimmer Ferdet is impervious to pronouns. 

Blacburn: Jimmer Ferdet’s mom told me Jimmer Ferdet was born on Jimmer Ferdet’s birthday.

11:42- Robert Dozier just picked up his 2nd foul for Memphis.  Doesn’t he look like a bad guy from a fantasy movie?  I could swear he tried to kill Frodo at some point.  I think I’ll start calling him ‘Orc King’.

11:45- BYU is struggling to stay within the boundaries of one of the Big Dance’s perennial storylines.  Just when you think subtle racism can predict basketball games, i.e. whoever has more black guys wins, some predominantly white team wins and blows that theory to hell.  Well, 22-7 says that’s not happening here.

11:47- Jimmer Fredette is from Glen’s Falls, New York and Jimmer Fredette played wide receiver in high school.  Jimmer Fredette!

11:51- It’s official, A&M and BYU is a blow out, so CBS has sent us to KC to watch Memphis struggle against Northridge.  The Tigers have 2 fouls… all of them have 2 fouls that is and CSN has XFL style lettering on their jerseys.

11:56- Tim Brando says ‘Memphis is led by Long Tall Sallie’… that would be their first problem.  Having a song and a fat guy on the same team must mean Coach Cal isn’t the recruiter he once was.

11:59- Seriously, Sallie has 5 threes and hasn’t missed yet for the Tigers.  He’s going to set some records to go with his record of being the first player to spell Robert with a ‘u’.

12:06- Memphis’s Donnel Mack got fouled shooting a 3, which leads me to this.

12:10- That little girl in the State Farm commercial has a crush on me.  “Yes Dad, Dylan”… haha, yeah.

12:16- Robert ‘Orc King’ Dozier hit a free throw to get on the board with 25 seconds left in the first half.  You got me, I just wanted an excuse to call him the ‘Orc King’ again.

12:26- Will Smith’s mom from ‘Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ is in a Fidelity commercial.  Somehow, I’m skeptical that she has any savings.

12:36- Butler-LSU has been deemed too boring to be shown out of those teams’ home regions.  We get to go back to the Memphis-CSN game.  I think it will quickly turn into a blowout once the second half starts, but hooray CSN!

12:37- This girl makes commercials for car lots in my region… jealous?

12:40- We’ve reached out first dilemma of the day.  The Butler-LSU game is down to a one point margin, but I’m a full 6-feet away from changin the NCAA on-demand away from A&M-BYU.  I need a miracle.

12:44- For the best defensive team in the tournament, Memphis gives up a lot of layups.

12:46- Who was that idiot who thought Memphis would come out of the locker room and blow out the, uh, the, uh, Cal State Northridgers?  5 point game!

12:48- Chevy is the truck for poor people who can’t afford to buy new trucks, even when their truck catches on fire.  Where can I get one of those?

12:51- Orc King with his 3rd foul, and Memphis is sincerely disinterested in transition defense.  Don’t uncork that champagne yet 2001 Iowa State team. 

12:52- FOR 3!!  CSN takes the lead, somebody tell me what their mascot is.

12:54- Who do you think will have a better career, the red-headed girl in the Chevy commercial with Howie Long or the girl in the AT&T commercial that gives her dad a monkey?  Keep in mind I didn’t ask who you wanted to punch more, cause that’s obvious.

12:55- If any of you are planning to see 4Fast & 4Furious, just get the hell out now.

1:00- This game is a serious shoot-out.  A Memphis 3-point play, a CSN 3, a Memphis 3, a CSN 3, a Memphis 3-point play.  This game is good enough to quit your job to watch.

1:02- Keith Veeney of Marshall holds the NCAA record for 3s made in a game.  He hit 15.  Keep that in mind.  It might come into play in a few minutes.

1:06- If I said CSN by 6 with 10 minutes to play, would that be something you might be interested in?

1:08- This whole game is a highlight reel, a Tiger dunk in traffic answered by a circus lay-up by CSN.  And a Bill Raftery reference, although butchered by Tim Brando: “A little lingerie on the deck!”

1:15- 6 minutes to play, a 3 point Memphis lead.  This thing is slipping away from us.  At least CSN kept it close enough to keep the announcers from resorting to mindless stories about players and coaches from deep in their bios.  I really don’t care that Sean Taggert was born two-weeks premature or that the ‘Orc King’ is planning on resurrecting his armies upon graduation.

1:20- Oh yeah, here come the human interest stories.  I forgot CSN was the team with the deaf guy, he hasn’t played today, but his interpreter is kinda hot.  The more you know.

1:22- Butler is about to be the first team out of the tournament, but CSN could beat them to it.  It’s going to come down to who fouls more.

1:23- Some gamesmanship being shown by both teams, as Butler’s timeout with 27 seconds left is matched by CSN’s timeout with just over a minute left.

1:25- Butler has it down to 3 with 11 seconds left, but LSU is on the line to ice it.  And it’s iced.

1:26- Another Butler timeout, you’ve got to admire their spirit.  They refuse to be the first team out of this tournament.  But are they dedicated enough to commit some late technical fouls to prolong things?

1:27- Sallie has 10 3s in this game.  His previous career high was 13.  That’s 13 points!  He went from scrub to star faster than Madonna went from virgin to whore.

1:29- Butler is out, and CSN outlasts them by 32 seconds.  Congrats CSN!

1:31- How about a big hand for the deaf kid who just got in the game.  Oh, hmm, on second thought, can everyone just sign ‘Go Deaf kid’?  It might mean more.

1:33- CSN officially out, and Bilas’s cabana boy tells me BYU has been defeated by A&M.  Apparently, Jim Calhoun is ’sick’ and won’t be coaching UCONN today.  He can’t even be bothered to coach his team in the NCAA tournament?  Give some of that money back, Coach!

1:39- If you’re looking to ‘bone-up’ (tee-hee) on some teams in the dance, start with Louisville.  There’s some great background on girls associated with the school at Busted Coverage.  Beware the one fug girl who finds a way into the background of some of the pics.

1:42- Kevin Harlan and I think Jim Spanarkle are stepping up to bring us N. Iowa versus Purdue.  Spanarkle is fun to say, Spanarkle.  It should be a verb, I really Spanarkled that chick last night.  Spanarkle yeah!  I think I’m getting buzzed. 

1:44- I’d like to drink a Boilermaker after every Purdue dunk, but I’d never get to drink. Hmm, Marcus Green disagrees, channeling Kevin Harlan, ‘Down it GOES!’  I’ll be disappointed if he doesn’t top, ‘With no regard for HUMAN life’.

1:51- Terrible news, there’s no Gus Johnson or Bill Raftery today.  UNC and UCONN will be tipping off shortly though, along with the Cal-Maryland game. 

1:53- Purdue is dominating Northern Iowa, I’m predicting I’ll see Greg Gumble’s mini-fro telling me he’s taking me to another game sooner rather than later.

1:54- Turns out CBS Spanarkled me.  It’s actually Dan Bonner doing color with Kevin Harlan.  By the way, for the full announcing schedule, head to Awful Announcing.

1:57- Picture a guy named Farouq-Manesh in your head.  I’ll wait…   got it?  Now picture a guy named Brian Brown from Iowa.  Now switch their names, and you’ve got Ali Farouq-Manesh, shooting guard for Northern Iowa.  That was a fun game.

2:01- To the UNC- Radford blow-out match-up.  Did you know Ty Lawson isn’t playing today?  Also, Tyler Hansbrough is only 3 points from breaking JJ Redick’s ACC scoring record.  I feel like we’ll be hearing alot about those stories in the next hour.

2:03- Well this one’s over, 6-0 Tar Heels and Radford hasn’t taken a shot.

2:06- Did you know Tyler Hansbrough is almost the career leader in points in the ACC?  Jim Nantz knows.

2:07- Maryland and Cal is underway with the Terps out to a 7-2 lead.  Notable ‘fear the turtle’ alums are listed as Larry David and Jim Henson.  How can you root against that?

2:09- Jim Nantz jumped the gun, proclaiming Hansbrough was now tied with Redick for the ACC scoring record.  He is in fact one point short, or didn’t you hear?  Oh, Psycho-T to the line for the record!  He’s made more FT’s than anyone in NCAA history, so it’s only fitting, or so says Nantz.

2:11- I’m officially annoyed with ‘Spaghetti Jimmy’… that is all.

2:12- Did you know Tyler Hansbrough just tied Redick for the ACC scoring record?

2:13- Nantz blew the moment again, confusing the record tying FT for the record breaking FT, but in either case, Hansbrough is now the ACC career leading scorer.  You are obligated to refer to him as such.

2:15- Did you know Ty Lawson isn’t playing in this game?

2:17- Are Purdue and N. Iowa even really playing?  They’re at the half already, Boilermakers by 12.  I think they played 20 minutes of basketball in 30 minutes.  That’s gotta be a record.  Maybe CBS is making all Big 10 teams play extra fast so there’s less of a chance the rest of the country sees their games and wonders how they got so many teams in the tourney.

2:23- ACC career leading scorer Tyler Hansbrough is going to get a surprise phone call from JJ Redick.  Those guys should be good friends.  They can bond over their sub-par pro careers.

2:26- Radford is making some solid defensive plays, but the Heels could still easily hit 50 in the first half, it’s feeling like time to hear from Greg Gumble.  Amazing that this game isn’t closer, I don’t know if you heard by Ty Lawson isn’t playing. 

2:27- Hey G2, Maryland-Cal?  Love to. 

2:28- It’s a three point Terp lead.  Greivous Vasquez doesn’t pass the name test, but he’s a player.  Currently, that player is in foul trouble.

2:32- Damn it Spaghetti Jimmy

2:33- Jim Calhoun may have to pull a Willis Reed and show up to save his team.  The Mocs have kept it close, trailing by 4 with 10 left in the half.

2:36- And just like that it’s a 13 point lead, go back to bed Jim.

2:43- Right now, I’d take UCONN and UNC’s first half total to beat Northern Iowa’s game total.  In case you were wondering, they’re losing, but not by as much as you’d think.

2:45- Mike Gminski is disparaging the fat white guys place in the NCAA tournament.  Yeah, like a guy named Gminski has any room to talk.

2:47- UNC has 53 at the break, keep that in mind.  Purdue and UNI haven’t scored in about a week.

2:51- UCONN needs to step on the gas, I think they have 4 points in the last 4 minutes.  Not that Chattanooga is even close, but they aren’t going to outscore UNI’s game total at this rate.

2:55- Maryland leads by 3 at the half, and I think I just saw an Asian walk-on.  They’re making history in College Park folks.

2:58- Rihanna and Chris Brown might have a sex tape.  So, if you’re getting bored of basketball, get some background on that story.

3:02- White guy dunk, White guy dunk, White guy dunk!

3:06- You haven’t heard Bon Jovi’s ‘Livin On a Prayer’ until you hear it played by a pep band.

3:08- UCONN ended with 48 at the half, UNI is sitting on 44.  It’s going to be close folks.

3:11- Hey, so a 6 point game with 4 minutes to play is obviously a game you should cut away from right?

3:19- Remember way back when I said UNI had 44.  They’re all the way up to 46.

3:22- Cal’s Christopher collects Nike Air Force Ones, the official shoe of the Cal Bears.  Tim Brando says he has them all.  He seems greedy.

3:23- UNI has 51, but they trail Purdue by 4 and they trail UNC by 2.  It’s coming down to the wire people.

3:27- 3 for UNI puts them over UNC and UCONN, so whatever.  Purdue wants to know since when do their opponents actually make threes?  Who is this Michigan State?

3:31- So Purdue hangs on.  It’s just as well, those Iowans couldn’t have handled any more excitement.

3:36- Apparently, Jimmy Fallon adopted Chattanooga as the team of his Late Night show.  That seems fitting, considering the Mocs have scored 20 points in 25 minutes so far.

3:40- A mixed bag for the gambling community so far.  Cal State Northridge covered easily with Memphis giving them 20 points.  Texas A&M got 3 points and won by 13, so whoever handicapped that game is fired.  A late, meaningless hoop by Ali Farouq-Manesh/Brian Brown ensured Purdue couldn’t cover.  UCONN and UNC look like they will pay off.  Cal is actually a one-point favorite, but they trail by 6.

3:43- The race is on for Chattanooga to score at least a point-per-minute.  That would be 40 if you hate math.  Right now, they have 27 in 27+ minutes.

3:44- Greivis Vasquez just shushed a neutral court crowd.  Mike Gminski calls dick.

3:49- At the start of the year, you could have gotten better odds for Oklahoma to win it all (50-1) than for USC to win it all (30-1).  In case you hadn’t noticed, this is the gambling portion of the day.

3:54- If you have $100 to burn, and who doesn’t, throw down on Binghamton to win it all.  If they come through, it pays $100-grand.  Then you’ll have $100-grand to burn.  I’d steer clear of the parlay bet, somehow I don’t think it’s on the up and up.

3:56- The Mocs have 8 minutes to score 4 points, so that’s still a dicey situation.  UNC has finished off Radford, 101-58.  UCONN will try to match them by hitting the century mark, but they’re currently 20 points short.

4:00- So… my basketball just got pre-empted for ‘The Price is Right’, I can’t decide if I’m upset or not. 

4:01- Turns out I was upset, but they fixed it just in time for an entertaining Sprint commercial.  Whoo CBS!

4:02- Now, every time the screen goes black, I’m expecting ‘The Price is Right’.  It’s made my viewing experience 10, no 20 times more exciting.

4:04- Washington versus SEC Champs Mississippi State has started, with the Huskies laying 6.  I like UW, but if you’ve been paying attention to me, you’ll take the Bulldogs.

4:06- Chattanooga has easily eclipsed the point-per-minute level.  UCONN putting up a c-note seems likely as well.  Oh, hey Maryland won.  That second group of games was disappointing.

4:10- Miss St. and U-dub is the only game in town until the night session.  With that in mind, I’m going to take a break and do all the things I should have been doing today.  You know, paying bills, doing my taxes and finding a place for that body.  What gets blood out of upholstery?  Never mind, I’ll figure it out.  Maybe there will be more tonight, or maybe tomorrow.  You never know what will happen at the most unpredictable, least prepared sports site on the net, Bootlegger Sports.

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