Another Day of Madness- Live

The 2nd day of the NCAA tournament is a tough sell.  It’s inevitable that you’re a little hungover, both from too much alcohol and too much basketball yesterday.  But, it’s time for the hair of the dog.  Yesterday had very few upsets and zero buzzer beaters.  Get it together March Madness. 

11:07- My local newscasters finally revealed what I’ve always assumed, they hate working the local news.  They told me that March Madness is shaking up the day’s programming, ’so less work for me’.  That may not be an exact quote.

11:10- Oh, CBS is sticking with the short NCAA theme.  Thanks so much CBS, it’s not like I wanted to hang onto any positive memories from my childhood. 

11:11- Jim Calhoun is still alive.  So, are we happy about this?  Mini-fro seems to have mixed feelings.

11:12- When Bootlegger Sports buys the rights to the NCAA tournament, (stop laughing), this will be the new theme song.

11:14-We’re starting off in Miami to see Syracuse and Stephen F. Austin.  This won’t last long.  SFA is the lumberjakcs, they have the shortest player in the tournament (5-3) and their coach looks like, uh, well, I’ll have to get back to you on that.

11:16- Ian Eagle is getting Spanarkled for this game.  YES!

11:17- SFA takes the tip.  Somebody needs to research the %s for winning the tip and winning the game.

11:19- The Lumberjack midget (best nickname ever) makes everyone in a Syracuse uniform look like Hasheem Thabeet.

11:20- still curious about who SFA’s coach looks like.  I think he was in some movie set in modern day Texas.  I thought it was Joe Dirt’s Dad for a second, but that’s not it.

11:22- They showed the upcoming games and highilighted Oklahoma State-Tennessee, so it looks like we’re heading there.  Get ready for some Raftery.

11:23- SFA is chock full of human interest stories.  Lumberjack midget, character actor coach, 27-year-old Nigerian and probably at least one case of dyslexia.  What a team!

11:24- The omniscient narrator just told me he was taking me from Miami to Dayton.  People have been killed for less.

11:25- Raftery is excited to watch OSU, his partner Humpty Dumpty looks like he’s struggling to sit upright.

11:26- OSU’s PG is named Eaton and is rotund.  Pronounced E-tawn to downplay the resemblance to Eat-ton.

11:27- Tennessee goes, manaman!  Humpty called out Raf already.  ‘What do you do in the Syracuse game?’  Raf undoubtedly kicked him under the table.

11:28- More orange in this game than a prison in Holland.

11:31- This game already outscored Purdue-UNI.  Eaton’s 2nd foul was sketchy, he and Humpty will now share a Snickers.  That would be a bag of Snickers.

11:33- Deodrant commercials should be outlawed.  I’m almost positive they’re making America stupider.  I’m just waiting for the official study’s results.

11:35- There’s been an abundance of Oklahoma basketball around here lately.  Did I move to a resorvation on accident?

11:37- Syracuse has already been penciled into the second round.

11:41- Why are we talking about Duke?  I could swear they aren’t playing today.

11:42- On a related note, my dog didn’t poop on the floor this morning.  It was quite a spectacle.

11:47- Raf doesn’t like morning games, but he managed to throw most of his catch phrases into one replay.  So kudos to him.

11:50- Busted Coverage has helped us spread the word about this live madness business.  So go to BC when you get a little weary of my commentary.  Go sooner rather than later, because hate mail is hurtful. 

11:52- ESPN says today could be upset heavy.  Thanks for the strong prediction guys, I could be sending you a bag of my own vomit… maybe.

11:54- OSU’s coach just got T’d up, must be tired of the refs referring to him as champ, small fry and chief.

11:56- If you own a Lexus, go ahead and punch yourself in the groin, you owe it to the rest of us.

11:58- The narrator from the Applebee’s commercials used to be on ‘Northern Exposure’.  A good personality test is to ask people you know where you know him from.  If they say ‘Sex and the City’ or ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’, they’re clearly gay.

12:00- North Dakota State is giving Kansas a game.  And Gus Johnson is calling it.  I’m starting to hate OSU and Tenn.

12:01- The words to ‘Rocky Top’ sound like they were written by an illiterate hillbilly… oh right.

12:03- They’re announcing Portland’s new MLS team right now I guess.  Evidently, they want to fly under the radar.  Anyone announcing something today has something to hide.

12:05- The lady in the John Deere commercial looked like Michelle Rodriguez’s mom, except kinda hot.  And she wasn’t drunk or screaming at someone.  Still, the resemblance was uncanny.

12:09- Eaton picks up his third foul and it’s clear the refs subscribe to a strict no fatties rule.

12:09- I’m wondering how much longer Bruce Pearl can last, he should have worn vertical stripes.

12:10- There’s a bird in the arena.  And why wouldn’t there be in Dayton.  I’m surprised they have electricity and running water in the barn they are no doubt playing in.

12:12- Vol Brian Williams now with a questionable foul and the anti-fats movement rolls on.

12:14- GUS!

12:15- Why’d they send the brothas’ announcing team to Minnesota?  CBS is racist is the easy answer.

12:16- NDSU’s coach is intentionally going bald so people stop mistaking him for the ball boy’s little brother.

12:17- If you’re planning a robbery in the North Dakota area, today would be the day to do it.  Everyone is at this game.  All 50 North Dakotans.

12:18- At the half, the only really competitive game is OSU-Tenn, so it appears me and Raf will continue our on again off again relationship.

12:30- Yeah, I skipped the halftime show.  Let me guess, mini-fro blandly narrated highlights, and Seth Davis was a little snarky.  Dick Vitale probably also inexplicably stormed the set to complain about St. Mary’s not being in the tourney.  Good, I didn’t miss anything. 

12:34- The NCAA on CBS is sponsored by Sonic.  To thank them, I think a chili cheese coney is in my future.  If only they delivered or were located next to my chair.

12:35- What do you think they make OSU’s mascot’s, Pistol Pete, mustache out of?  Don’t tell me if it isn’t funny.

12:40- Tennessee’s Josh Tabb sat out the first half because of an unspecified violation of team rules.  That’s timely reporting CBS.  When it’s unspecified, can we just make up what he did? 

12:41- Josh Tabb suspended for first half for painting a face on Bruce Pearl’s belly while he was asleep.  Pearl says paint was lead-based.

12:43- Did any one else think the Lowe’s commercial where they put a ‘T’ at the end of the name was a reference to Lowe State, an homage to the NCAA tournament?  Just me then?

12:44- Jim Calhoun missed parts of games in 99 and 04 also.  the Huskies won the championship both years.  Calhoun earns his money.

12:46- Utah State is making it close with Marquette.  Al Mcguire’s ghost must be busy.

12:50- If Tennessee’s Wayne Chism wore his headband any higher, it would be a yamaka.

12:51- You know what I’ve missed?  John Mellancamp’s ‘This is Our Country’.  Thank God for Chevy commercials.  They’re not only the longest lasting trucks, but also the longest lasting ad campaigns.

12:54- Do you think OSU and UT got together and decided to play a close game so CBS wouldn’t switch off to another game?  Me too.

12:59- Don’t miss The Mentalist on CBS… unless you’re under 65.

1:03- Humpty and Raf are upset about the T called on OSU’s Marshall Moses.  The Cowboys were getting too far out in front, CBS was thinking of switching to the KU-NDSU game.

1:06- Can a team finish a game with 4 players?  It may come into play here.  Also, can I hold on and not piss my pants before the end of this game?  We’ve got an exciting finish coming.

1:08- Evidently, Gus Johnson got into some sort of trouble a few days back.  Check that out here.

1:13- We’ve got 3 close games going here.  This would be a great time for split screen or picture in picture capabilities.  Thanks for being 20 years behind the technological curve Samsung.

1:14- Also, thanks for only broadcasting one game at a time CBS.  I’m more mad at you, I can’t stay mad at Samsung.

1:16- I must say, using cartoon people to testify about your brokerage is a genius move Charles Schwab.  I don’t invest with anyone else.

1:19- Tyler Smith of Tennessee has teardrop tattoos.  Shouldn’t he be in prison?

1:21- Verne Lunquist just quoted my last girlfriend and her ‘friend’ James.  “We’re going to go away in the dark”.  I still don’t know what that means.

1:23- Has anyone in a Taco Bell commercial ever gone on to a successful acting career or are they immediately blacklisted?  Don’t bother to respond, I already know the answer.

1:26- Utah State leads Marquette by 1 and Kansas is up 6 with a minute left.  And there’s the narrator.

1:27- KU is intentionally robbing us of a Gus Johnson called buzzer beater.  Rock Chalk my ass

1:28- On second thought, that sounds painful

1:29- ONIONS!

1:30- A second serving of…

1:31- ONIONS!

1:32- Marquette now on, leading by 1.  Make that 3 and Utah State is on the ropes.  Get Gus on a plane to Boise, STAT

1:32- Nevermind, this one’s done.  Marquette survives, back to OSU for the final six seconds.

1:33- Did OSU’s Eaton take all the onions or is there some leftover for the Vols?

1:34- OSU advances and Utah State banks in a three, still trails.  I’m not even sure who is playing who anymore.

1:35- I’m willing to bet the Utah State player with the intriquet cornrows has endured more than his share of racism.

1:37- Dominic James of Marquette is ready for lunch.  His appetizer is a towel.

1:38- Why is Taco Bell arena in Boise, Idaho?  It’s as far from Mexico as you can get.

1:41- Golden Eagles survive, Oklahoma State survives, Kansas survives, but not one buzzer beater.  Damn it NCAA tournament.

1:42- The ‘Cuse only ended up winning by 15 and only scored 59.  I could have sworn they had 59 in the first half.  Refs must have penalized them when Eric Devendorf started beating cheerleaders.

1:46- Arizona State-Temple is where we start the next session.  That means we’re going to get Spanarkled alot.  I can’t wait.

1:48- How well do you think this pick-up line would work: “Hi, I’m TV’s Jim Spanarkle”.  I think it’s somewhere between bullet-proof and sure-fire.

1:50- Dionte Christmas has unlimited range.  CiCi’s Pizza has unlimited refills.  That ad campaign writes itself.

1:52- Is there any chance the Olmos that plays for Temple isn’t related to Edward James Olmos?  These are the tidbits I expect to get from my announcers.  Also, depressing news of the day, Edward James Olmos was in ‘Beverly Hills Chihuahua’.  It’s not really depressing because he was in it, more that there’s a movie called ‘Beverly Hills Chihuahua’.

1:55- Terrible news, Megan Fox isn’t as single as previously suggested.  See?  And Brian Austin Green has a kid with Vanessa Marcil?  The woman Prince wrote ‘The Most Beautiful Girl in the World’ about?  Where do I sign up to apprentice under Brian Austin Green?

1:59- HHR has the video of Obama ripping on the Special Olympics.  And yes, following the flurry of close endings in the early session, I’m not real interested in first halves.

2:02- Portland Trailblazers coach Nate McMillan has a son playing for Arizona State.  He is not James Harden.  He will not be drafted by his father.

2:03- When’s the last time a big time coach’s son turned out to be a superstar?  Mike Bibby?  Mike Dunleavy?  I’m sure Rick Pitino or John Calipari have some illegitimate kids getting ready to burst onto the scene.  They seem like the type.

2:05- Fidelity has a commercial with an inter-racial couple.  That’s some progressive thinking from them.  Also progressive, when the white ‘husband’ discreetly grabs the asian ‘wife’s’ ass.  That was good TV.

2:06- Dayton and West Virginia have tipped as have Pitt and ETSU.  Oklahoma State= the biggest Bucs fans in attendance.

2:09- State Farm is systemtically making anyone in their key demographis hate them. 

 ’Hey let’s put a terrible, redundant song behind our lame commercial’. 

‘Great idea, getting that song stuck in people’s head will really create ill will toward us.  But I think we can do better.’

‘Agreed, let’s tell people where they can download that horrible song after the commercial.’

‘That should get them to audibly curse our names.  Well done men.’

2:11- Back to Boise now for Missouri and Cornell.  This might be interesting, or it might be a blowout. 

2:12- Did you read that ESPN?  Can I get hired now?

2:14- Big Red Bear!  Quickly a 5-0 Cornell lead and I just learned that Cornell features Randy Whitman’s son.  You may remember Randy Whitman for his failures in Cleveland and Minnesota as an NBA coach.

2:15- Demarre Carrol of Missouri is Academic All-Big 12.  Apparently, there were only 4 quality candidates, so they made a statement by putting on the scary guy with dreads.

2:17- When you airball a 4 foot hook shot, you make Ivy League’s 1st Team.

2:19- Tigers’ coach Mike Anderson looks relaxed.  I’m almost positive he just told an official an off-color joke.  The official responded with a ‘black joke’ but stopped halfway through and walked away.

2:28- I thought for sure this would be a brief stop on the Missouri-Cornell game, but somehow we’re still here.  I’m being forced to root for the Tigers to pull away.  I feel dirty.

2:32- I texted a guy ‘ONIONS!’ after the Oklahoma State win.  He responded ‘what?’  I now have one less friend.

2:39- Pittsburgh only leads ETSU by 2 more than midway through the half.  If the Panthers lose, does Jamie Dixon get fired?  My honorary, non-existent seat on the board at Pitt says yes.

2:43- Cornell leads by one and it kind of looks like they’re going to be around all game against Missouri.  Now we’ll never get to see Pitt getting beat by ETSU.

2:44- Mostly because it’s not going to happen.  Just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.

2:46- Big Red Bear has teeth.  I think he’s the only mascot with teeth.  Touche Ivy League. 

2:47- Craig Bolerjack just bought into the ‘Missouri’s Miguel Paul is Chris Paul’s first cousin story’.  So there are still some people that don’t read the internet.  Somewhere, Chris Paul just shuddered but doesn’t know why.

2:50- Just saw the commercial with Jim Nantz’s call when UNC won the title a few years back.  ‘There’s a new dean in college basketball’.  Last year, he pulled out ‘Rock Chalk Championship.’  Do you think he waits for the final four, or does he have a championship call prepared for all 65 teams? 

2:51- ‘Missouri has caught a title by the tail’  They lead Cornell by 1

2:53- ‘Today is the day for Dayton’ They’re up by 5 nearing the break. 

2:54- ‘The NCAA has made a deal with the Sun Devils’ ASU leads by 6, 14 minutes to play. 

2:55- Keep in mind, these are Jim Nantz calls.  They’re not supposed to be funny or clever.

2:56- ‘Cinderella has an eye patch’ ETSU Buccaneers trail by only 1 at the half.

3:01- Somehow ETSU lost 2 points.  Oklahoma State and I call shenanigans.

3:05- I just heard that Oklahoma coach Jeff Caple might be going to Virginia before next season.  I’d like to be the first to tell you that won’t be happening.

3:08- To anyone being forced to attend a wedding this weekend, it’s acceptable to root for a divorce or, even better, the bride or groom not to show up.

3:10- ASU’s James Harden looks like Tone Loc’s little brother.  He could officially become my favorite player if he had the same voice. 

3:12- The Sun Devil’s post game presser should look and sound like this.

3:16- Danny Manning was assigned an unfortunate spot behind the announcers in Minnesota.  He looks like every other black man in Minnesota.  Bored and pondering his life’s direction.

3:19- No wonder ETSU is staying with Pitt.  They’ve obviously stolen the Panther’s dark jerseys and sewn ETSU in gold on the front.  I’m shocked this hasn’t been tried more often.

3:22- 11-thousand people attended the play-in game on Tuesday in Dayton.  It seems that many of those people did not come back for today’s events.

3:26- Missouri is putting the finishing touches on Cornell despite there being about 15 minutes left in the half.  It’s about time for Greg Gumble to make an appearance.

3:27- I can’t tell you how disappointed I am in America for making NCIS a ‘hit drama’.

3:29- Now is the time for the Pitt-ETSU game.  The Bucs are outplaying the Panthers and out-hustling them.  At some point, talent will make an impact, but ETSU might make it interesting.

3:31- I’ve never been so happy to hear G2’s voice.  To Dayton!

3:32- ETSU is tied despite shooting 2-14 from 3.  Officials must have to pay a commision each time they blow their whistle. 

3:33- Humpty Dumpty is shocked the crowd has turned in favor of the underdog, reveals he rooted for the Germans in WW2.

3:35- Bucs aren’t hitting free throws either.  Pitt is about 10 points worse than their opponents right now.  Raftery thinks Levance Fields is injured.  He’s quickly informed that he’s always been that fat.

3:36- What happens when two bowling balls crash into each other?  We’ll find out if Pitt’s Fields meets OSU’s Eaton.

3:38- White+Bald+Headband=Shooter

3:40- Smart move by the movie studios releasing their shittiest movies during March Madness.  Not only do they have a built in excuse for bombs.  But they also get to show the trailer so many times that basketball fans become convinced they heard great things about the movie.  It’s like subliminal advertising. 

‘Fast and Furious is the thrill ride of the year’

(250-times seeing the same commercial later)

‘Hmm, I heard somewhere that Fast and Furious was actually pretty good.  Let’s get a Coke Zero and go see it.’

3:46- Gus Johnson is starting to get riled up with West Virginia making a run at Dayton.  He starting to get that growl in his voice.  He’ll be heartbroken if this game doesn’t stay close.  He’s willing the Mountaineers into it.

3:48- Doesn’t WVU’s Alex Ruoff have to actually have a big game on a big stage to be considered a good player.  I don’t think the phrase is, ‘big time players make big time plays against big time cupcakes.’

3:51- Dejuan Blair spanks his coach, Jamie Dixon.  The deep South cringes.

3:52- Dayton has a player with a nickname of ‘Dinosaur Head’.  Dayton is a prestigious university.

3:53- ETSU is on the verge of losing touch with Pitt.  But as Raftery has shown, you can teeter on the edge of something for quite a while.

3:55- Dejuan Blair landed on ETSU’s Tiggs.  Somebody needs to inform the Bucs’ coach that that’s only a foul when ETSU does it.

3:57- I’m glad Capital One thinks enough of their potential customers to only make one commercial.  So it’s going to play every commercial break during march madness?  Yeah, the same commercial will be the most effective.

3:59- They should claim they’re not making new commercials to avoid a bailout.  That would create some positive press.

4:00- Bob Huggins is the least likable coach in D-1 basketball.  Don’t bother arguing because that’s a fact.  There’s been conclusive studies.

4:01- Dayton is crazy for ETSU!  I think even the Pitt cheerleaders have been swayed.

4:03- Raftery says Pitt’s Blair is having ‘dinner time’ on offense.  If that’s true, ETSU defenders should check for their fingers.  Also, watch for Levance Fields to stay close.

4:07- ETSU lost to Oklahoma in 1989 by 1 in another 1-16 matchup.  Also, 1 seeds are 98-0 in the first round.  Even the Harlem Globetrotters couldn’t get to 100-0.

4:09- Game blouses.  ETSU gave it a good run.  Now we begin the 10 minutes of extending their stay in the tournament while the final minute ticks away.  Foul-Timeout-Foul!

4:15- Well, we got closer to some buzzer beaters.  Oklahoma State came as close as we’ve seen, but the first round has been a little underwhelming so far.  If there’s not at least 3 great finishes tonight, I’ll be disappointed.  Or 1 good fight.  1 fight=3 buzzer beaters.  That’s the kind of math I’ve learned.  Thanks for reading, enjoy the weekend.  Prost!

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