NARC Leaves Team Under False Pretenses

Monday, March 30th, 2009 | Dylan
The new informant may also be succesful

The new informant may also have some success

University of Oregon defensive tackle Tonio Celotto has left the team and the school in order to attend to an ailing grandmother.  At least, that’s his official story.  If you read between the lines, or more accurately a few lines down, you discover that Celotto also wants to pursue a career in law enforcement.  Pretty clever Celotto and you almost got away with it. 

Obviously, Celotto was a NARC working under-cover in the hot bed of illegal activity known as NCAA football.  His cover must have been blown after he finished 2 years at Oregon without ever being arrested. 

His work in Eugene saw multiple Ducks arrested, most notably receiver Derrick Jones was charged with maintaining a drug house.  He also tipped off authorities when a group posed as UO athletes and cheerleaders and collected money for bogus charities. 

But it would be doing Celotto a disservice to limit his achievements to the Eugene area.  He also aided in the arrests of Gonzaga basketball players, Washington State quarterbacks and even Linfield College athletes.

Agent Celotto was plagued by injuries last season, which turns out to be a clever cover that allowed him to meet with police while supposedly rehabbing.  Overall, the entire scheme was quite ingenious. 

Without an inside agent patrolling the seamy underbelly of college athletics, it seems we’re doomed to players driving under the influence, committing sex crimes and gambling with little to no repercussions.  This is terrible news for quasi-sports news sites like this one.  Oh, also it might not be great for society. 

Editor’s Note: The information regarding Tonio Celotto would be classified if it is in fact true.  There are no sources to back these claims.  But come on.  Even a blind infant from Cambodia can see the truth.

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