Happy Valley Retirement Home

Penn State announced Tuesday evening that they signed Joe Paterno to a three year-contract extension.  Although he relinquished most coaching responsibilities/remembering how to feed himself years ago, the wiley geriatric hinted that recruiting was the reason for the contract extension through the age of 85.

“I just get tired of recruits asking me, ‘How long are you going to be there?’”

Asked if 17-year-olds actually care if an old man falls asleep in the press box during their games, Dear Ol’ Papa Joe responded with:

“Who are you?  Are you here to take my phonebook?”

He then proceeded to have a noisy bowel movement before angrily asking a black reporter “how the hell did YOU get in here, and on the first row for Christ’s sake” before being hurriedly escorted back to the home by two male nurses while mumbling the words “uppity” and “back in my day”.

The news of the legendary asshole’s ridiculous extension didn’t go unnoticed by Hollywood either, as the makers of Weekend At Bernie’s have announced plans to film a documentary about the coming season.

Tags: football, Joe Paterno, NCAA, Penn State

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