Things Better Than Watching The NFL Draft

The inevitable result of attempting to watch the NFL Draft: A fat dog will sleep on your crotch.

Oh my God, it’s so finally here!  It seems like they only just started talking about it, like 5 months ago.  I can’t believe all the monotonous, worthless, baseless projections, bickering and cock-fighting are about to come to their anti-climactic end!

What will we do without Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay pretending to hate each other over their differing predictions of the distant future? 

“You evaluated someone’s ability to succeed in the NFL differently than I did!  That makes you stupid pants!” 

“No, you’re stupid!  Look at these meaningless stats about a completely different player who I think is similar to the one in question.  You obviously have Downs Syndrome!”

“Hurrrr……  Are the cameras off yet?”

But, just in case you don’t feel like watching a cast of mouth-breathers repeat themselves for seven straight hours, here’s a list of better things to do with your time.

1.  Anything else.  Literally anything you can think of.

2.  Time how long you can hold your breath before hitting your head on the coffee table.  The added bonus is that you might find the coverage fun and intriguing after this exercise.

3.  Shit in an envelope and mail it to your congressman/woman. 

4.  Write dirty words on your chest in sunscreen, get drunk in the back yard, impress your co-workers on Monday.

5.  Try to think of hypothetical reasons why you wouldn’t sleep with Megan Fox.  The stumper is usually “if she had a penis.”  But ya never know.  Some of us could get past that.

6.  Draw mustaches in all your girlfriend/wife’s magazines.  No repeats staches either.  And only one pirate per mag. 

7.  See how long you can watch a religious channel without cracking a smile. 

8.  Go to a public park in basketball shorts and see if you can hook your foot over your head.

9.  Fart in different brands of zip-lock bags, wait an hour, and see which held the smell better.  Better yet, have someone else test it.  Best yet, have a female test it. 

10.  Try to masturbate to a Goldie Hawn movie.  Any Goldie Hawn movie.

11.  Eat sauerkraut, drink beer, time how long it takes for your pee to smell funny. 

12.  Buy a label-maker and name everything in your house.

13.  Rent a kung-fu movie, turn off the sub-titles and make your own commentary.

14.  Try to masturbate to a Muppets movie.  Any Muppets movie.

15.  Fill condoms with helium and give them away to strangers.

16.  Buy obnoxious bumper stickers and put them on your friends’ cars. 

Of course there are any number of things you can do on Saturday that would be a better use of your time than watching the NFL Draft show on ESPN, but I decided to stop before reaching “hook a hose up to your exhaust and…”

Tags: College Football, ESPN, football, Mel Kiper, NCAA, NFL, NFL Draft, Todd McShay

3 Comments to Things Better Than Watching The NFL Draft

Burt Destruction
April 24, 2009

Have a corn race against yourself.

oiler
April 24, 2009

Have a contest with your friends to see who can dig out the most ear wax.

Matt M
April 24, 2009

learn to juggle mcnuggets in front ofyour dog

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