Today In News That Can’t End Well

That is not a face that inspires confidence

Sometimes finding a good angle on a story is easy.  Sometimes, you’re reading through the latest sports news and BAM, an obvious topic for a post hits you like Megan Fox’s ass in the newest Transformers trailer (did I force it in?  No, I haven’t even met her yet, but I’m willing to sell my cock into bondage for that chance… ZING). 

Read, if you will, the first few lines of this story from the AP:

Americans have remembered Sept. 11 in years past by planting trees, raising flags and saying prayers at makeshift memorials.

This year, NASCAR (dear God– Ed.) driver Benny Gordon is going to the racetrack– in a custom-designed, Sept. 11 memorial car, inscribed with the message “Always Remember”.

Let’s see, planting trees, saying prayers, raising flags… NASCAR!  One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong.

Gordon is planning to race his tribute car in a Nationwide Series race on Sept. 11 at the Richmond International Speedway.  Can someone tell me how exactly a Speedway can be ‘international’?  There’s not cars taking off from Richmond and landing in Paris and it certainly can’t be referring to a culturally diverse crowd.  Not if anything I’ve read about the South in the past, oh, 200 years is true. 

That might actually be a good thing, however.  The exclusionary attitude of those good ol’ boy NASCAR fans could save lives this Sept. 11.  When Gordon’s car comes out of the garage and onto the track, those fine patriots are going to get choked up about what happened that fateful day in 2001.  Then, they’re going to hear Toby Keith’s dumbass lyrics in their head and decide to throw something heavy at something dark.  Thankfully, the only thing dark at a NASCAR event is a hillbilly who forgot his sunscreen. 

That’s not the only disaster that could possibly mar the good intentions of Gordon and his crew.  There’s the one obvious and almost unavoidable outcome.  What’s the first thing you think of when someone says NASCAR?  OK, besides redneck fans.  OK, besides Ricky Bobby and Talladega Nights.  Why don’t I just tell you?  It’s wrecks. 

Just last week, a car flew off the track and crashed into the chain-link fence in front of the stands.  Drivers even crash during qualifying when they’re the only ones on the track.  And we aren’t talking about an elite driver who will be in front of the pack.  We’re talking about some dude named Benny Gordon.  Let me paint a little picture for you. 

‘Things are heating up here at Richmond Speedway, Benny Gordon is making a move.  He started 35th and has made his way up to 18th but there’s quite a logjam there.  Into turn 3 where they go 4-wide… Gordon gets a nudge and he’s loose… oh, he’s into the wall, that car’s on fire’

Now, remember he’s driving a car painted to remember 9/11. 

Do us all a favor NASCAR, use a memorial car as the pace car but don’t crash a symbol of the most tragic crash in American history.

Tags: Benny Gordon, douchebaggery, NASCAR

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