He Will Be Our New God

One of Tim's lesser known miracles, lifting a fat guy

I realize that it has become cliche to joke about Florida QB Tim Tebow being the new son of God or whatever, but is it alright if I’m really starting to believe?  Tebow arrived on the Gainesville campus as a blue chip recruit capable of taking the Gators back to the top.  I didn’t think ‘the top’ would be so literal.  I assumed at the time that he would win some games, bang some coeds and get arrested a couple times.  You know, the typical Florida experience.  Instead, he’s managed to bring religion into college football.  And not just the post-game interview, ‘first off I wanna thank God for hating the Bulldogs so much’, type of religion.  Tebow has brought the all-out, Philippine circumcising, announcer converting religion.  I guess it could be worse. 

Oh, did I mention that he’s also brought college football into religion?  Maybe you haven’t bought a bible recently and seen the New New Testament, according to Tim.  I guess it’s kind of like the Book of Mormon, except not dug out of a hole in the ground.  And, you know, Tim Tebow is real.  Uh-oh. 

I haven’t seen the book of Tim myself, but it has to exist.  Why else would Tebow be referenced in a wedding ceremony?  That’s right.  A minister conducting a wedding held this weekend outside of the state of Florida made reference to a college student.  I shouldn’t be that surprised, I mean I’m sure people outside of Nazareth were hearing about Jesus in weddings before he was 20.  ‘In the name of that kid in the sandals who needs to blow his nose, I pronounce you man and wife’.

The shocking part of the whole ordeal was that Tebow has officially transitioned from amateur athlete to deity.  Trust me, you can never really be prepared to welcome a new god into your life.  It’s incredibly spiritually draining.  Like tantric sex with Megan Fox.  Maybe. 

I don’t know if this was all a part of Tim’s plan, but he should probably be cautious with how he proceeds from here.  I read somewhere that the original God, (points up) That Guy, doesn’t encourage the worship of other gods or idols.  At least not before Him.  I guess that means we’ll have to move church services up from Sunday to Saturday morning so we can get our praying done before we go to worship at the feet of Tebow (sidesteps lightning bolt).

Yea verily, Tim did walk down from the mountain to smite the Sooners and it was brought to you by FedEx, for it was good.  Praise to you lord, Tim Tebow.  (Gator chomp)

Ed. Note: Whoever created spell-check must be going to hell for categorizing Tebow as a mis-spelled word. 

Tags: Florida Gators, football, NCAA, Tim Tebow

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