Translating For Sammy Sosa

First you get the money, then the steroids, then you get the women

Remember that Congressional hearing in 2005 when Sammy Sosa was questioned about steroids?  He barely spoke English and his attorney did most of the talking, which included reading a statement Sosa had prepared.  Now, news is breaking that Sosa tested positive for a performance-enhancing drug in 2003.  Obviously, this means Sosa will once again need a translator.  Allow me to humbly serve in this position.

Part of Sosa’s written statement at the 2005 hearing read, “I have never taken illegal performance-enhancing drugs.  I have never injected myself or had anyone inject me with anything.”

Sosa’s tenuous grasp on the language prevented him from expressing himself clearly.  When he said, “I have never taken… drugs”, he simply meant he’s never stolen any PEDs.  And he is technically telling the truth about never being injected with anything.  His test didn’t show up positive for anything, although they are rampant with PEDs. 

Sosa announced his formal retirement from baseball only two weeks ago and had this to say: “Everything I achieved, I did it thanks to my perseverance, which is why I never had any long, difficult moments [as a baseball player].”

Sammy simply meant that without that famous perseverance, he never would have been able to continually supply himself with the illegal substances he needed to attain success.  Steroids can be quite difficult to obtain sometimes.  As for the part about him never having long, difficult moments, your guess is as good as mine.  Maybe I’m not a great translator, but it seems to me that a moment is by definition not long.  If he meant he’s never had any prolonged slumps or difficult seasons, well he hit .203 in 116 games in 1991.  If that’s not long and difficult, I don’t know what is. 

Sosa, in that same interview with ESPN Deportes, went on to say “If anything ugly comes up in the future, we will confront it immediately, but with all our strength because I will not allow anybody to tarnish what I did in the field.” 

Sammy was mostly speaking about paternity suits that may crop up soon.  You can’t walk around with the moniker, “The Caribbean Bambino”, without knocking up some ladies.  If it’s an attractive male capable of bringing pride to the Sosa name, fine.  But if it’s ugly, Sammy’s confronting it with all his strength. 

When he said he wouldn’t let anyone tarnish what he did in the field, Sosa meant it.  Well, not specifically in the field because he was a defensive liability and he’s well aware of that.  Go ahead and tarnish his lack of fielding ability.  But, on the field, he did put up some big numbers.  Sure, they were probably PED enhanced, but he was never injected while on or in the field, so his point remains valid.

Finally, Sosa said “I will calmly wait for my induction to the Baseball Hall of Fame.”

Again, this is exactly what he meant to say, but some people took it the wrong way.  He is calmly waiting, not because he expects to be inducted, but because if he waited angrily, furiously or agitatedly, he’d like go insane.  He’s also calmly waiting to walk on the moon, make-out with Audrey Hepburn and be named Time’s Man of the Year. 

I hope this cleared up some of the confusion surrounding some of Sammy Sosa’s past statements that now look ridiculous.  I wish I could do the same for Barry Bonds, but that dude is just a douchebag.

Tags: baseball, MLB, Sammy Sosa, steroids

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