NHL Players Are Slow, Not Sexy Enough

No porn stars, but NHL players still have Elisha

Seven years is a long time.  That’s how long Marilyn Monroe had an itch, I guess.  That’s how long it took for Van Wilder to graduate college.  Also, some non-movie related things can happen in that amount of time.  Things like a group of 19 current and former hockey players can wise up to an investment scheme that had duped them out of $25-million.  That example is just off the top of my head. 

A group consisting of notable NHL stars who you’d only know if you watch a lot of hockey have filed a lawsuit seeking to recoup their investment and be awarded $15-million in damages.  Those damages, more specifically, consist of their non-invites to parties held by the real-estate developer they invested in.  Before you scoff at parties being worth $15-million, consider that the guest list for these shindigs allegedly included female porn stars, escorts and Roger Clemens, Reggie Jackson, Pete Rose and Joe Morgan.  Say what you want about those guys, but I’d party with any one of them.  I will say listening to Joe Morgan’s creepy robotic laugh while he gets a lap-dance would be emotionally scarring, but it would be worth it for porn stars.  And if you said, ‘which porn stars’, I think you’re missing the point. 

The NHLers money was used to finance not only the parties, but also private jet trips for the developer and the baseball players, plus exorbitant salaries for the developer and his brother-in-law.  The hockey players were told the expenses were to woo potential property owners to the would-be resort, though it seems to have been made clear repeatedly that none of the baseball players would even consider buying anything… except in the case of Clemens.  He was constantly considering steroids… I assume.

Speaking of which, Brian McNamee was hired to be the developer’s fitness trainer.  Now the gang is complete.  Are we sure Jose Canseco didn’t play a part in this?  It just seems like the type of crowd he’d be in with.  Except he never gets invited anywhere. 

It’s good to see the hockey players have finally figured out that the millions of dollars they invested SEVEN YEARS AGO probably should have paid some kind of dividends by now.  Kudos to the developer though.  His plan seems to have been well-thought out and well executed.  Step one, attain investments from athletes who are routinely beaten in the head.  If the NHL players hadn’t taken the bait, I’m betting Roy Jones and Floyd Mayweather would have.  Step two, spend the next 3 to 7 years spending the investment money on buying new friends, like porn stars and baseball players.  You know, people someone would actually recognize and be jealous of you for getting to hang out with them.  Step three, flee to Europe? 

The real victims here are those poor porn stars.  They took money to do a job, but I’m sure they never would have gotten involved if they had known that money had been scammed off of hard working hockey players.  If there’s one phrase that can accurately describe most porn stars, it’s ‘no gag reflex’, but if there’s two, it’s also ‘well-adjusted morality’.

Tags: douchebaggery, Hockey, Joe Morgan, MLB, NHL, Pete Rose, Reggie Jackson, Roger Clemens

1 Comment to NHL Players Are Slow, Not Sexy Enough

Zach
June 19, 2009

“listening to Joe Morgan’s creepy robotic laugh while he gets a lap-dance would be emotionally scarring”

LMAO!

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