USC Suffers Fate Worse Than Death Penalty

O'Neill's talents include looking like the dad from ALF

The USC men’s basketball program has been stealing headlines from their bigger, richer, more successful football program.  That must make Pete Carroll angrier than a ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ sign on his vacation.  The football program has dominated the PAC-10 for years.  This year, the basketball team won the conference tournament.  The football team has always boasted A-list celebrity backers.  The basketball team features rapper Master P’s son.  The football team is under constant scrutiny from outsiders because of their ability to sign top-tier talent and even caught the NCAA’s attention for benefits given to Reggie Bush.  The basketball team faces major penalties for NCAA violations involved in the recruiting of OJ Mayo.  The point is, the basketball team has been getting a little too close to elite status lately, so something had to be done.  But what could destroy a rising program in the stroke of a pen?  Ladies and gentleman, meet your new head basketball coach Kevin O’Neill!  Looks like these Trojans…(takes off sunglasses)… could’ve used some protection.  YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHH!!

The hiring of Lute Olsen’s former right-hand man effectively kills any chance the USC basketball team had of being on par with the football program, at least in the foreseeable future.  O’Neill somehow managed to coach his way out of a job in one season as interim head coach at Arizona.  Last season, he served as special assistant to the general manager for the Memphis Grizzlies.  Do you know what that means?  He was working for Chris Wallace, the man who gave away Pau Gasol for Marc Gasol.  Just ask Bill Simmons about him.  Oh, O’Neill was also featured in the movie ‘Hoop Dreams’.  I haven’t seen it in a while, but I seem to remember that nothing worked out well for anyone in that movie. 

It was less than two months ago that then-USC coach Tim Floyd was rumored to be considering taking the Arizona head coaching position.  He ended up declining and saying USC was the last job he wanted.  Now, USC is settling for a coach that Arizona not only doesn’t want, but also may be murdered the next time he’s in Tucson. 

The Trojans threatened to make a quality hire.  Their wish list included Pittsburgh’s Jamie Dixon, Jeff Van Gundy and Reggie Theus.  Even a noted choking survivor, P.J. Carlesimo, and a former-player with no head coaching experience, Brian Shaw, would’ve made a bigger splash and more sense than O’Neill.  Put that list of candidates on paper and the paper will burn itself to erase ‘Kevin O’Neill’.  Put his name into Google and it returns ‘did you mean any other coach in history?  Even Isiah Thomas?’

I realize that I sound like a USC supporter by expressing such heart-felt disapproval for this hiring.  I apologize for that.  USC fans would probably go back in time to stop this horrible event from happening.  I, in the words of Eric Cartman, wouldn’t because personally, I think it’s hilarious.

Tags: Arizona, basketball, football, Kevin O'Neill, Pete Carroll, USC

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