US Soccer Sets A Good Example

Congratulations are due to the US Soccer team.  They’ve set a valuable example for the entire nation.  Our boys went to South Africa to compete in the Confederations Cup, which is the last major tournament they’ll compete in before the World Cup in 2010, but through two games hadn’t really competed at all.  They looked less like US Soccer and more like a war-torn African nation’s team.  Well, those countries are good sometimes.  OK, they looked like Americans, but the NASCAR-loving, moonshine-swilling, soccer-hating type of Americans.

With one game to play in the group stage, the US had a goal differential of minus-5 after losing to Brazil and Italy, but were somehow still alive to advance.  All they needed was a three-goal victory over Egypt and a three-goal victory for Brazil over Italy.  That’s exactly what they got.  The result was more unlikely than one of the chicks from ‘Gossip Girl’ releasing a sex tape.  But you don’t see that happening, do you?

You may remember me saying that the American soccer team set an example for the entire nation.  By that, I mean that we as a country have also dug ourselves a mighty hole.  We failed to compete and our leadership has been incompetent.  But, as our soccer team showed us, things will randomly work out.  No matter how bad it gets, eventually we’ll get a chance to improve our lot, provided another country helps us. 

Considering how bad the US soccer team had been and how dramatically they improved on Sunday, I can only assume they did this on purpose to teach us a lesson.  They’re not only great soccer players, but great motivators.  I mean, there’s no way they are as terrible as they looked against Brazil. 

So, my fellow Americans, take heed.  Though we are currently in the midst of our Brazil game, our Egypt game is just around the corner.  And we will win that game and get out of this funk.  And what will be our reward?  Well, US Soccer gets to play the number-one team in the world, Spain, who has a 15-game winning streak, the longest of all-time.  So, uh, for us?  I don’t know, maybe China will invade.

Video Bootlegged from Awful Announcing

Tags: Brazil, Egypt, Italy, soccer, Spain, United States, World Cup

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