BS Mock Draft: Don’t Be Stupid, NBA

This is how Mullens asks for head... so far, he's 0-2.

This year’s NBA Draft features plenty of potential busts.  This group could bust more than a male porn star on his first day of work.  With that in mind, and considering the large contingent of NBA front offices that seem incapable of evaluating talent, I give you the first annual Bootlegger Sports Mock Draft.  We aren’t going to tell you who your team should draft, there’s plenty of blow-hards out there to do that.  Instead, we’re going to tell you who the worst possible, but feasible, pick for your team is.  More often than not, it’s B.J. Mullens.  Here they are in reverse order just to screw with you. 

30. Cleveland: Eric Maynor/ Nick Calathes- At least one of these combo guards will be available at the end of the first round, the Cavs should have as much interest in them as they are in giving Jay Z season tickets and admittance into their locker room.  They Cavs have scoring point guards and at best, these two will be Delonte West.  At worst… uh… Delonte West?  But, of course, either would be better than B.J. Mullens.

29. LA Lakers: Wayne Ellington- The champs don’t need much, but taking a PG or building better depth up front could be defended.  Drafting a poor-man’s Rashad McCants to sit behind Kobe Bryant can’t be.  Kobe plays over 40-minutes per game, meaning even if Ellington plays incredible for a rookie, his impact will be minimal.  Contrast that with Andrew Bynum playing roughly 3 minutes before picking up his 2nd foul and the very real possibility of losing Lamar Odom.  Get a big, LA… but not B.J. Mullens… or DeJuan Blair. 

28. Minnesota: Any International player- Minnesota owns roughly every other pick in the draft, so we’ll hear more about terrible options for them later.  With so many holes on the team and so little veteran leadership, the last thing they need is to take an International guy who will spend the next couple years over seas.  Or worse, infect the young, impressionable millionaires with their French way of thinking.  Ricky Rubio is long gone by this point and I’m assuming the days of the Spurs being the only team with scouts in Europe is long gone as well.  That means Internationals outside the lottery are verboten.  And yes, Minnesota should consider Ohio a foreign country, so no B.J. Mullens. 

27. Memphis: Darren Collison- We could just wait for the Griz to show us their worst possible pick by drafting him, but what’s the fun in that?  At one point last season, I believe their roster consisted of Rudy Gay, Marc Gasol and 10 point guards.  Drafting another one, especially one that hasn’t really wowed anybody, seems like a dumb decision.  Judging by GM Chris Wallace’s track record, he’s getting excited about B.J. Mullens.  He’s got Internet buzz!

26. Chicago: Omri Casspi- This is the Bulls’ 2nd pick of the first round and they have reportedly shown interest in this wing player from Israel.  Hmm, I guess they loved the Thabo Sefolosha experience so much, they wanted another go-round.  Considering seemingly safer picks like DeMarre Carroll and Chase Budinger may still be available, the decision to go International seems sketchier than casting Britney Spears in a movie (ugh and might I add, woof).  On the other hand, Casspi beat B.J. Mullens in a game of 1-on-1 while blindfolded… true story. 

25. Oklahoma City: DeJuan Blair- Adding a shooter or pure point guard here might make sense, assuming they take Thabeet at number 3.  The Thunder are at their best when they go small and run with either Kevin Durant or Jeff Green at power forward, so how would adding a guy shaped like a dorm-room fridge make any sense?  He should be gone before this, unloaded on some poor sucker who will immediately regret his decision while watching Blair attack the buffet on the first day of training camp.  But if he slips, NBA GMs tend to think, ‘this guy was supposed to go 10 picks ago, I know we have him graded really low and he doesn’t fit our system, but he’s a steal now!’  You know what else is a steal?  B.J. Mullens talent.  Rumor is Evan Turner stole it last season to make himself even better. 

24. Portland: Eric Maynor- I honestly believe that Maynor and Blazer Jerryd Bayless are so similar, the universe may implode if they ever shake hands.  This team doesn’t have a ton of need, so avoiding global catastrophe should be priority number one, er two.  After nailing Megan Fox, everyone’sunderstood number one… don’t pretend like it isn’t ladies.  By the way, drafting B.J. Mullens should be roughly priority 703,324,109, right between a total frontal lobotomy and scrubbing Greg Oden’s taint. 

23. Sacramento: Jeff Teague- The Kings were abysmal last season, so honestly anyone would help them.  Teague could be a Ben Gordon-like scorer in the league, or he could be completely worthless.  No need to take a risk on an undersized 2-guard with limited point potential.  Instead, take a risk on a player who plays a position that could be of use to you in this crapfest draft.  Incidentally, Crapfest Draft was the name of my first home-brew.  Now I’m working on Sheisse Bock.  Guess who is on the label?  Hint:  It’s B.J. Mullens.

22. Dallas: Tyler Hansbrough- Imagine a line-up featuring Dirk and Psycho-T in the frontcourt.  Now imagine every offensively capable post-player nearly creaming themselves while reading the scouting report.  The Mavs could use a center, but here’s really no bigs to get excited about here so investing in a point guard to groom behind Jason Kidd could work.  They may also want someone to groom to be the next Eric Dampier.  Talk about a job that’s perfect for B.J. Mullens. 

21. New Orleans: Demar DeRozan- It’s a long-shot that he’d slide this far, though I can’t figure out why he’s so highly regarded.  Obviously, taking a point guard would be a waste, especially a guy like Brandon Jennings who you couldn’t even play along-side CP3, but somehow I think DeRozan would be a worse fit.  He isn’t a great defender, has limited range but is a talented finisher near the rim.  He’s like Desmond Mason without the defense… so he’s present day Desmond Mason.  Chris Paul has already played with Mason and it wasn’t a rousing success.  He could really use a guy like J.R. Smith, why did the Hornets exile him again?  Oh right, Byron Scott hates success.  Speaking of which, have you met B.J. Mullens, Coach Scott?

Jesus, I had no idea this was going to be so long when I started, but I guess I’m handcuffed to finish it now.  Look for the next ten picks later…sometime.  Also, look for that Leighton Meester sex tape, I heard it’s good.

Tags: basketball, mock draft, NBA, NBA Draft

1 Comment to BS Mock Draft: Don’t Be Stupid, NBA

Your BS Pre-NBA Draft Awards | Bootlegger Sports- Sports Humor Blog
June 24, 2010

[...] year before what has proved to be a pretty abysmal draft, I gave you this and this and this.  That’s a whole lot of effort and words poured out for what turned out to [...]

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