BS Mock Draft Part 2: The Stupidity Continues

I know who I'm drafting

If you missed picks 21-30, you can check those out here.  Basically, I’m giving you the worst possible pick for each team, thus the pick you should boo with the most gusto when your team drafts and the pick you should laugh heartily at when other teams draft.  Because the NBA is where hating everyone happens.  Also, I’ve decided to give B.J. Mullens a break… unless I can’t come up with any other punchlines.

20. Utah: Brandon Jennings- I’m sure Brandon would be shocked if he fell this far, but most NBA GMs wouldn’t be.  He’s fail to wow anyone in his season abroad and his presence in Utah would be un disastro.  Like I said for the Hornets, drafting a guard who can’t play off the ball when you have one of the best point guards in the league seems foolish.  Plus, I have a feeling that Jennings’s swagger would rub the Mormons the wrong way, which is to say that rubbing Mormons in any way is the wrong way.  You know who they would love?  B.J. Mullens… they’d think he was the cutest thing since Greg Ostertag.  See?  I’m laying off of him, that was a compliment. 

19. Atlanta: Jeff Teague- I’m not sold on Teague and the Hawks have a long history of botching picks for these types of players.  Remember Salim Stoudamire?  Well, then you’re the only one.  If the trade for Jamaal Crawford goes through, then Atlanta will have plenty of guards who can’t really distribute without the addition of Teague.  I know I’ve been crushing International players, but I’d love to see the Hawks get a friend for Zaza Pachulia.  I mean really, that guy has to be dying in the ‘A’. 

18. Minnesota: Austin Daye- This Gonzaga product is like a poor man’s Earl Clark and most people aren’t even sure if Clark is going to pan out.  Can you imagine playing Daye at power forward alongside Al Jefferson?  That frontline isn’t going to stop a stiff breeze, much less a legit NBA post player.  Daye could slide to the wing, but his lack of back-to-the-basket skills means he’ll be unable to utilize his height advantage and he isn’t a good passer, which suggests he’s not a great fit for a team that just traded away their point guard and best wing distributor.  The T-Wolves can actually save Daye’s life by not taking him.  His lack of body fat suggests an inability to stand up against harsh Minneapolis winters…or falls…or springs.

17. Philadelphia: James Johnson- The Sixers have Thaddeus Young and will likely bring back Andre Igoudala.  That doesn’t leave much room for this former Demon Deacon.  Draft Express says at best he’s Ryan Gomes.  Really?  That’s his best case scenario and he’s going in the lottery?  God this draft is terrible.  It’s like if a movie exec tried to cast Brad Pitt and George Clooney, but struck out on both and immediately went to Carrot Top. 

16. Chicago: Tyler Hansbrough- What’s the difference between Joachim Noah and Hansbrough?  Psycho-T shoots it better, Noah is the better defender.  That’s about it.  Noah hasn’t exactly set the world on fire and the Bulls don’t need another project inside.  On a related note, I believe The Project Inside won 3 adult film awards last year.  Or maybe I’m confusing it with a documentary on public housing in Bed-Stuy.

15. Detroit: Any guard- Antonio McDyess, Kwame Brown and Rasheed Wallace are all unrestricted free agents.  That’s the bad news.  The Pistons did just pick up Fabricio Oberto in a trade for Amir Johnson.  That’s the worse news.  Any player under 6′-8″ need not apply.  Also, any player named B.J.  I didn’t want to give the guy false hope.  

14. Phoenix: Cash- The Suns have plenty of holes to fill, especially if they end up parting with Shaq and go back to transition, 7-seconds-or-less style ball.  They’d basically be pissing on their fanbase if they decide to sell this pick like they have in past drafts.  Then again, they could take B.J. Mullens and just shit on their fans.  Damn it, I’m really trying to stop. 

13. Indiana: A white guy- The Pacers could feature as many as 6 Caucasians even before adding any rookies or incoming free agents.  I realize it’s Indiana, but come on now.  I’m almost positive that no NBA team has won a title with more than 6 white guys since 1970.  I want to see an NBA whitewash as bad as the next guy, but let’s not mortgage an entire franchise to chase it. 

12. Charlotte: Any Tarheel- Enough already MJ.  You love Carolina, we know.  Reaching for Hansbrough or Ty Lawson here may make you feel a swell of pride for your alma mater, but it isn’t going to win you any games.  If you want to show your school pride, do what the rest of us do.  Paint your junk in school colors and give the next skank you find a spirit-filled mushroom stamp.  What do you mean you don’t do that?  Oh, you must have gone to a Baptist university. 

11. New Jersey: Terrance Williams- He kind of plays LeBron’s position and I thought it was already agreed upon that the Nets would leave that spot symbolically open until King James comes to save them in 2010.  I guess it would actually be a mistake to draft anyone here since that will hurt the cap space for the next off-season.  No, my advice is to just lie back and wait.  Incidentally, that’s also the advice I gave your mother.  ZING!

Yup, the jokes are falling off pretty sharply.  There’s only 10 picks to go, so come back before the draft to see the rest.  Or don’t, I don’t need your approval.  Seriously, come back… I desperately need your approval.

Tags: basketball, mock draft, NBA, NBA Draft

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