Even IndyCar Drivers Hate IndyCar

Look, she emerged from her cocoon as someone I could give a damn about

Richmond International Raceway’s 2009 IndyCar event is being described as “a procession”, “a disappointment”, “an awful, awful race” and “the first time I’ve seriously considered killing myself out of sheer boredom”.  Guess which one was mine.  The rest, however, are from a rather unlikely source, the drivers. 

It seems the racing series apologists will have a hard time explaining away the problems with a sport whose competitors can’t even get excited about the proceedings.  This will be even more difficult than the argument over whether or not the drivers qualify as athletes that race fans have been losing for at least the last 15 years.  And what’s the deal with making IndyCar one word?  I’d like to pronounce it (in-DIKE-are) but that makes it sound far too sexy.

As boring as a so-called ‘race’ sounds when the third place finisher said he “only had to pass two cars all night, this even wasn’t without it’s noteworthy performances.  Winner Scott Dixon tied IndyCar’s career victories record with his 19th checkered flag.  You may be thinking that 19 sounds sort of low to be a career wins record in a league that’s been in existence for over 13 years, but there’s an obvious explanation.  The shelf-life of an IndyCar driver isn’t very long.  Eventually, they get so bored that they intentionally wreck on the turn farthest away from the pits, jump the wall and escape to a life of intrigue.  Though no one knows for certain, it’s said that Sam Hornish Jr. has been painting houses for a living to, as he says, “feel alive again.” 

Considering all of the spectators who spent their money on such a non-spectacle, it seems fitting that the racetrack was shaped like a ‘D’.  You know, for douchebaggery, or dicks.  But not for Danica.  Sweet, sweet Danica Patrick finished fifth and I’m sure she looked amazing doing it.  In her case, helmets are ruining the appeal of IndyCar.  Damn safety nerds.  The only thing that helmet is saving is the inseam on my pants… COUNT IT! (looks for high five partner… keeps looking)

Speaking of Danica, Richmond did witness a record-breaking performance.  With the lack of action, most fans failed to notice that the record for continuous driving by a woman without a car-to-car collision was broken with nearly two hours of time behind the wheel.  Get it?  Because women can’t drive.  And don’t even get me started on them going to the mall.  Women be shoppin’, right guys?  (Continues looking for high five… slits wrist)

Tags: Danica Patrick, IndyCar, racing, Scott Dixon

1 Comment to Even IndyCar Drivers Hate IndyCar

Steve
August 9, 2009

You are a jack ass, who should kill himself. You hate Indy so much, why are you writing about it? Is anybody paying you to race cars? but you can sit behind a computer and run your mouth 200 MPH. GET A LIFE BLOG BOY!

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