They Took Our Jobs

Last year, Red Sox resident steroid suspicioned player David Ortiz was sworn in as a naturalized U.S. citizen.  Today, another Boston player will go from dirty, stinking foreigner to dirty, stinking American.  Jason Bay, born in British Columbia, Canada, will become a U.S. citizen in a ceremony held at Boston’s Faneuil Hall.  Faneuil, I assume, is French for ‘you still can’t date my daughter, Canuck’. 

Far be it from me to try to guess at the reasons for these MLB players to become naturalized citizens of the once proud USA.  All I know for certain is, they took our jobs.  If the Bays, Ortizes, Suzukis and Abreus weren’t tearing up the bigs, normal hard-working Americans like you and me might just have a chance.  Instead, they’re getting the fame, the glory, the big paychecks and the women.  We’re getting… uh… less of those things, or at least a lower quality. 

And now, they’re taking our elbow room, and I likes my elbow room (swings arms, hits immigrant).  Not only are full-blooded American baseball heroes like… oh, uh… I know there’s somebody… Jacoby Ellsbury, he’s as full-blooded as they get, getting fewer and fewer,  the immigrants are creeping into other sports as well.  They’ve been stealing our place kicker jobs for years.  They’re even trying to monopolize our point guard and center duties.  And in hockey, well, actually I guess Americans are the ones stealing jobs in hockey.  Sorry, Canada.  But I’ll make you a deal, you get out of the NBA and MLB and we’ll stop watering down hockey. 

Sure, taxing Jason Bay’s salary will be nice, but he’s opening the pipeline.  Soon a parade of Canadien, baseball playing supermen will come barn-storming across the border, rendering anyone who can properly pronounce an ‘o’ completely useless.  You know, I think I could run for governor in New York on that platform.

Tags: baseball, Boston Red Sox, David Ortiz, Jason Bay, MLB

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