Must Make Basketball Playing Son

Did I tell you to rest yet?

Sports Illustrated has released their list of The Fortunate 50, which in case you couldn’t tell by their cutesy title, is the 50 highest paid athletes across all sports when you include endorsements and salary.  When I say athletes, I mean American athletes, because God forbid you include rich, foreign soccer players,tennis stars, boxers or racecar drivers who are making bank.  If you must know who’s in the money overseas, you can check out that list here.  For the rest of you beer-swilling Americans, the time has come for you to produce a male heir and then lock him in a gym with a basketball until he’s 18.  Let’s face it, it’s really the only way you’re ever going to be able to retire. 

Golfers Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson actually top the list, but Tiger may still be dominating the tour by the time your kid grows up and you need money to produce a stellar golfer, which I believe is the reason you’re breeding your kid to be an athlete, to get money.  So, that’s a problem. 

Five of the top eight, however, are NBA players.  Nearly half of the list is basketball players, in fact, and that doesn’t include noted foreigner and injury specialist Yao Ming.  The moral of this story is that NBA players get paid, or perhaps it’s that NBA owners are borderline retarded.  How else would you explain Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury and Jermaine O’Neal making this list.  And Stevie Franchise is somehow still bringing in $500k in endorsements.  When was the last time he really played basketball?  Does he endorse burglary tools?  Or maybe those inflatable donuts that make it easier to sit on your ass?  I don’t know, but clearly getting a son into the NBA should be everyone’s top priority. 

Based on this list, getting into the NBA is step 1, step 3 is profit.  There doesn’t even have to be a step 2, but if you must, step 2 can be don’t die.  Chances are, if you have a heartbeat and a decent agent, you can bilk an NBA team out of millions.  Then, you just sit back, claim you have some sort of chronic injury and fade into obscurity.  Beautiful, lavish obscurity.  It’s at this point that I feel an apology to Robert Swift is in order, as I have essentially just outlined his entire life plan.  Sorry Robert, but you can’t really be too angry.  I mean, the last time anyone who looked like you became well-off financially, they had to wear giant shoes and deal with kids all the time.  Hint: it was Bozo the Clown.

Tags: basketball, NBA, Robert Swift, Tiger Woods

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