Lance Armstrong Isn’t Doing It Right

Winning the Tour de France is against Tour de France rules

Seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong has finally been caught cheating.  Armstrong has come out of retirement to compete in this year’s race despite constant rumors that he utilized an illegal advantage to capture his previous yellow jerseys.  He may well regret that decision since he was caught red-handed and punished before today’s third stage.  Wait, did you say steroids?  That’s not what this is about, why in the world would you think that?

The Tour de France is evidently a lot like the YMCA.  No, there’s not a bunch of elderly gentleman standing around with their junk on display in the locker room.  No, they don’t have a pool that has officially seen it’s ratio tip from mostly chlorinated water to mostly toddler urine.  Well, OK it’s not a lot like the YMCA, but it has one thing in common, you have to sign in.  Armstrong failed to do so Monday, so he has incurred the strictest penalty allowed for the infraction, a $92 fine and a stern wag of the finger from competition director Jean-Francois Pescheux.  Lance has to hope he doesn’t forget to sign in for the next 1-million stages because then he’d only have a few million dollars to live off of. 

At this point, it seems like the organizers of the Tour de France are just aching for a reason to punish Armstrong.  So far, all of those doping allegations haven’t stuck, so they’ve resorted to alternate methods.  I get the feeling that Lance will be informed tomorrow that the color of shoes he is wearing was just outlawed.  Also, there’s a five-minute penalty for being named Lance.  You don’t even want to know the punishment for being named Armstrong.  I’m actually OK with the recently passed ordinance prohibiting friendship with Matthew McConaughey. 

As for the rule about signing in before each stage, I guess maybe it’s to make sure that each rider actually starts at the starting line and doesn’t get a head start.  But then, it’s only a $92 fine.  Wait a second, I’ve got an idea.  I’ll need a bike, whatever 21 times 92 is, that many dollars and someone to write my victory speech.

Tags: Lance Armstrong, Tour de France

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