Around the Leagues: Home Runs and Jessica Simpson

Cool Stadium. Corny Event. Crappy Beer

Baseball:  That’s right folks.  It’s the 2009 Home Run Derby in St. Louis.  Wheew!  ESPN recently re-aired the 1998 Juice Derby where steroids were put on national display thanks to McGwire’s moon-shots and Sammy’s elastic sleeves.  No doubt in this era of steroid witch hunts lessons have been learned.  Despite temperatures in the mid 80s and the very nature of the event, maybe we should expect loose long-sleeve shirts and wimpy ground outs tonight.  Or maybe not.  Baseball players aren’t notorious for being fast learners.  Let’s see some dingers!

The Washington Nationals fired their manager.  You know.  Ol’ what’s-his-name.  The Washington GM is currently on the phone receiving derisive laughter and abrupt dismissals from minor league managers he thought might be interested in the job. 

The Cubs may file for bankruptcy for some reason or another.  What do I look like, an economist?  I would wager this means they’re out of the running for Halladay though.

Football: 

If you still looked like this you would still be with Tony Romo

Tony Romo confirmed today that he is indeed a sadist, when he chose to dump Jessica Simpson the day before her birthday.  Though he still needs to work on his timing a bit.  He should have waited until her birthday, gotten down on one knee, and presented her with a black velvet box.  When she opened the box it would just be a small note that read “Tony doesn’t date fat bitches.”  This explains why he chose to fumble that snap so early in the playoffs, rather than waiting for the NFC Championship game.  God bless you Tony Romo.

Urban Meyer felt the need to inform the world today that he is not, in the slightest bit, interested in coaching at Notre Dame.  He’s not even thinking about Notre Dame.  He doesn’t even talk about Notre Dame.  It’s just like how I call my ex-girlfriend every Friday night about 2:45 AM to remind her that I don’t miss her at all and how I won’t take her back.  Besides, Urban found Jesus re-incarnate at Florida, what’s he need stale-old dead Jesus at Notre Dame for anyway? 

Basketball:    

Kobe Bryant took it upon himself to remind the World that although LeBron James has snatched headlines for acting kind of douchey lately by censoring footage of a college kid dunking on him, Kobe is still the NBA’s King Douche. 

Tags: Around the Leagues

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