ESPN ‘Improves’ HR Derby

Less of this means better ratings, right?

You may have noticed the lack of noteworthy news today, so instead of me boring you with something as trivial as cycling or a new video game release or, God forbid, women’s sports, let’s take a look back at last night’s Home Run Derby.  Nelson Cruz surprised us with his easy-swinging power.  Prince Fielder somehow managed to maintain his monstrously taxing swing for three rounds and Cardinals fans were disappointed that the contest wasn’t rigged for Albert Pujols.  Also, ESPN did everything they could to ruin the whole thing. 

I’m sure you noticed the obvious ‘Ball Tracker’ technology that was implemented, giving some of the dingers a comet-like tail.  I guess ESPN execs ‘misremembered’ how that technology went over when it was attempted in hockey.  Also, I’m pretty sure balls don’t wobble that much in flight.  It seemed to me that instead of actually developing a program to follow the home run balls, they just paid an intern to trace it with his finger on a telestrator.  Maybe next year they can convince a branch of the armed forces to lend some tracer fluid to the event. 

And then, of course, perhaps the greatest transgression of all.  I would’ve rather seen ‘Ball Tracker’ used on everything from the bat swing to the jiggle of Prince Fielder’s man boobs than have ESPN welcome Joe Buck into the broadcast.  As Robbie said, ESPN ruined the best thing they have going for them, the fact that they don’t employ Joe Buck.  But there he was, enjoying the smell of his own farts and having a congratulatory suck-off with Joe Morgan. 

If you, like me, thought the actual presentation of this year’s Home Run Derby was flawed, you should be thanking whichever god still accepts your calls that ESPN didn’t go through with all of their ideas.  Bootlegger Sports has obtained* a list of brainstormed ideas for improving last night’s broadcast and we are proud to present them to you now with quotes from producers:

Less Erin Andrews- “When we show Erin, people tend to tune out what’s being said and they miss the athletes’ various cliches and sponsorship hocking.  Let’s keep her off-screen as much as possible.  If she must be shown, tell her to wear a loose-fitting sweatshirt and ski-mask or stand behind a fat guy.”

More Chris Berman- “People are getting annoyed with Chris’s shit shtick and it must be because they forgot what a big, loveable teddy bear he is.  Let’s put him in a picture-in-picture box in the corner of the screen all night.  He should be wearing something that shows off his cleavage and we’ll put a fan on him to blow his comb-over.”

Fan Interaction- “People need to feel connected to the event, so why not interview fans throughout the broadcast.  Make sure we find the most sober, unappealing, uninteresting people though.  We don’t need the FCC up our ass or people talking badly about us around the water cooler tomorrow.”

Something for the kids- “Kudos on booking David Cooke gang, but the young viewers aren’t going to stick around to watch baseball’s biggest stars hit monster home runs unless we inject more pop culture.  I’ve already invited Paris Hilton to be a guest commentator, you know, comment on the players’ fashion and how much she hates the Midwest, but we also need a hip music group to play a concert in the bullpen during the actual event.  I was thinking Nickelback.”

Standard Definition- “It’s going to cost us extra to shoot this in HD and we’re getting people talking about us showing the British Open in standard definition on ABC.  We can generate a lot of buzz by broadcasting the Home Run Derby in SD and that will make our ‘Ball Tracker’ idea more relevant.”

*from our imagination

Tags: All-Star, baseball, Erin Andrews, ESPN, MLB

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