Japanese Baseball Robot Invasion Alert

It is possible FOX has been trying to warn us all along?

A disturbing story came across the wire today that could jeopardize humans dominance on this planet.  A Japanese professor has created baseball playing robots that are capable of putting up incredible numbers.  As of right now, they probably aren’t capable of making a major league roster, but just wait until they start using performance enhancers.  I’m not exactly sure exactly what that would be in a robot’s case, maybe some sort of super viscous motor oil.  At any rate, if the robots figure out how to upgrade themselves, there will be nothing stopping them from taking over baseball and soon after that, the world.  Of course, then we humans will have to wait for the robot baseball commissioner to crack down on all the performance enhancers before we can even hope to compete with them.  What do you mean I’ve put too much thought into this? 

The current robots have a pitching and hitting model.  The batter-bot hits nearly every ball in the strike zone and doesn’t swing at balls outside the zone.  Wait, so we’re sure Albert Pujols is human right?  Has anyone ever tried to peel his face off?  Hmm, we may be in more trouble then I thought. 

The pitcher-tron throws a strike 90-percent of the time, but so far has only been able to hit 25 mph on the radar gun.  Wait, so we’re sure Jaime Moyer is human right?

My bigotry suggests that these robots are fueled solely by rice and sushi and have trouble pronouncing English ‘R’s, but I don’t have any hard evidence to back that up.  All I know for certain is that baseball playing robots is the beginning of a story that won’t end well.  Why baseball playing robots anyway?  What useful purpose could they serve?  If they ever made a prequel to Wall-E, I think it would probably start with baseball playing robots.  As long as they are developing robotic technology for the sole purpose of making humans obsolete, why not make a politician bot?  They could even paint him half-black if it makes them feel more progressive. 

Call me paranoid if you must, but I for one don’t look forward to the day when I walk out of my home, only to be ambushed by rogue automatons flinging plastic balls.  Sure, it will only be a mild annoyance at 25mph, but one that could easily be avoided.

Tags: Albert Pujols, baseball, Japan

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