Edinson Volquez is Going To Miss Plenty

On the bright side, Edinson won't have to wear this for awhile

Cincinnati Reds ace Edinson Volquez made only nine starts this season before being placed on the DL on June 2nd.  On Monday, he had reconstructive elbow surgery and is not expected to play again for 12 months.  The fact that this young pitcher may never be the same isn’t even the worst part of the story.  Reds fan ‘ozu’ wasted $5 and possibly jinxed Edinson by sponsoring his baseball-reference.com page with the message: “Thanks, Edinson, for giving Reds fans something to root for during our inevitable 70 win 2009 season.”  By the way, the Reds are 45-59 now.  Expecting them to go 25-33 for the rest of the season, without Volquez, seems unrealistic.  Yikes, when predicting a 70-win season is too lofty of expectations, you’ve got problems as a fan base.  Oh well, Cincinnati faithful can still look down at Pittsburgh. 

Because there’s not a whole lot going on otherwise today, and because I like to kick a guy when he’s down, I thought I’d tell Edinson about some of the things he’s going to miss while he’s out with a bum wing.  On a related note, in the future, Bum Wings will be sold at KFC for 12.99 per bucket.  Plan accordingly. 

While you’re gone, Edinson, Dusty Baker will make about 75 (low estimate) questionable managerial decisions.  Now that you’re on the DL, he’ll also make it his life’s work to send Johnny Cueto to join you.  You didn’t think when he called you two his ’new Wood and Prior’ that he was referring to your pitching ability did you?

Rick Ankiel’s mustache will get him into a sticky situation at a St. Louis area elementary school.  The mustache will be quoted as saying, ’that’s what I love about these 4th graders, man.  I get older, they stay the same age…yes they do.’  Tony LaRussa will be forced to extradite Ankiel by making a double switch.  Joe Thurston and Dennys Reyes will be left behind, while Rick and a left-handed 9-year-old will head to Busch Stadium. 

David Ortiz’s fact finding mission to discover the truth behind his 2003 positive drug test will come up as fruitless as O.J. Simpson’s mission to find the real killers.  He will hit less balls during his research than O.J. did.  As for Manny, well Edinson, you’ll be glad to know that you’ll miss exactly zero of his haircuts. 

The Phillies, Cubs and Mets will all endure their home crowd turning on them.  The Marlins will continue to endure their crowd not existing. 

The Washington Nationals will consider suing the Pittsburgh Pirates for stealing their identity as the worst team in baseball.  The Pirates will counter with an offer to trade their entire starting line-up for a minor leaguer to be named later.  The Nats will pass. 

Alex Rodriguez and Kate Hudson will split after the Yankee slugger repeatedly yells out another woman’s name during sex.  Hudson will report that he seems to be ’hung up on this D.J.’ 

 Ozzie Guillen will hire a team of assistants to follow him around and write out subtitles for everything he says.  America will thank him, but quickly will tire of what he is saying. 

5 more names from ‘The List’ will come out and Jose Canseco will be there to claim he knew about those players all along.  The ‘death penalty for douchebaggery’ bill will gain steam in Congress. 

If this sounds like a lot to miss out on during your 1-year absence from baseball, Edinson, don’t worry.  I have good news for you.  During that 12-month span, you’ll miss exactly zero of your team’s playoff games.  And if you want to take an extra 48 months off, you’ll miss exactly zero of your team’s playoff games.  You know, that sounded like better news in my head. 

Tags: baseball, Cincinnati Reds, Edinson Volquez, MLB

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