In The Douche War, Who Should I Root For?

Tonight on SportsCenter, a bounty on Glazer's head

Reporting on the NFL has quickly become the douchiest game in town.  So, now we know that the greatest game ever played was a golf tournament won by Francis Ouimet, The Game is the Harvard-Yale football game or a west coast rapper, the most dangerous game is hunting humans and the douchiest game is reporting on the NFL. 

It is so dubbed because currently the profession features Jay Glazer and Chris Mortensen battling for supremacy.  Meanwhile, Adam Schefter has moved from NFL Network to ESPN, presumably to bring Mort down from the inside (wink, wink, touch of the nose). 

In a battle of douchey proportions, it is extremely difficult to determine which side to give your allegiance to.  On the one hand, Glazer actually reports facts and does so quicker than anyone else, but on the other hand, Mortensen has more hair and isn’t friends with Michael Strahan.  In the end, I’m going to stick with Glazer if forced to choose, if for no other reason than the banner picture.  Now that’s some unique visual satire. 

I’m pretty damn disappointed with Dallas, Green Bay, Minnesota and where ever else that bus has been and not been defaced so far this offseason.  Are there really people in the world who see a gigantic bus with Chris Mortensen’s face on it and don’t immediately think ‘how can I f*ck that thing up’?  Maybe other cities managed to do it in a more subtle way, like slowly letting air out of the tires or peeing on the door.  Subtlety is certainly not the strong point of Mr. Glazer.  ‘BUY A SANDWICH FROM SUBWAY, WATCH PROS VERSUS JOES, MORE SHOCKING BREAKING FAVRE NEWS AFTER THIS!!!’

Maybe the NFL brought personalities like these on itself.  Something about the game and the league is attracting only the douchiest of media members, and allowing only the most douchey to succeed and survive.  In baseball, we have Ken Rosenthal, who is the grand pooh-bah of sucking at life, but when he reports on football he’s damn near stomachable.  In basketball, we had Stephen A. Smith, but he’s gone.  We’re left with the smooth David Aldridge and Ric Bucher, who doesn’t completely blow. 

Considering it’s Friday, and also I lack most of the qualities needed to figure out one of, or any of, the universes great mysteries, I’m afraid I can’t tell you why the top NFL reporters are so douche-tastic.  All I can tell you is that right now, Jay Glazer is the king of all douches. 

Bootlegged from Awful Announcing

Tags: Chris Mortensen, ESPN, football, Jay Glazer, NFL

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