NFL Wants You To Cut Those Sideburns

Chris Cooley's wife is going to get fined

Every professional sports league has some sort of policy on uniform attire.  Though I haven’t seen much discussed in detail, I’m going to guess that the NFL is among the strictest.  What happened to the good old days when helmets were optional, blood was not expected but demanded and nobody gave a crap about something as fruity as a nasal strip?  Now, the NFL may well have an official tampon. 

Chris Cooley posted a few specifics on the NFL’s strict dress code on his blog.  I’ve taken the liberty of adding a few rules of my own, see if you can guess which ones are real. 

$5000 fines:

Pants not covering the knees or any skin showing below the waist.  I guess Visanthe Shiancoe will have to think twice about flashing somebody ‘The Goat’ this year. 

Wrong nasal strip.  Jim Brown says the wrong nasal strip is any nasal strip…fairy. 

Grass stains on uniforms.  This is a gentleman’s game after all.  If you are viciously tackled by a 300-pound lineman, at least have the decency to have a Shout wipe handy. 

Jersey untucked.  Stop in the middle of a play if you have to. 

Color coordinating tattoos and grills/false teeth.  You Chiefs better stay away from green tattoos and no red for the Vikings.  Calvin Johnson, I suggest you take out those gold teeth and give them to Marques Colston. 

Chin strap undone ($7500).  After the league has turned a blind eye to their steroid problem, it’s probably in a player’s best interest. 

$10-thousand fines:

Personal messages on tape, shoes or any other part of uniform.  We’re the NFL, we don’t care about your family, friends or personal savior.  We can’t wait to take most of Tim Tebow’s signing bonus.

Tinted visor without a doctors note.  Regular people’s eyes are immune to gouging and the brightness of the sun.  Take those sunglasses off, you hoodlums. 

Shoelaces tied in improper fashion.  It’s over, under, around and through folks.  Otherwise you’ll look like hobos. 

Non-Reebok apparel 90 minutes before and after games.  If in the shower, you must have a Reebok symbol shaved into your pubes. 

Minimum fines in playoff games will be $10-grand.  For the conference title game, the minimum fine is $50-thousand and the minimum in the Super Bowl is $100-thousand.  If you forget to wash your hands at the Pro Bowl you are drawn and quartered. 

Suspensions:

If you are deemed to resemble in any way the appearance of Jared Allen.  God, I wish.

Tags: Chris Cooley, douchebaggery, football, NFL

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