Jerry Jones Lurves His Video Boards

'These boards make my penis feel this big'

It’s been nearly a week since Jerry Jones and the Dallas Cowboys unveiled their new monstrous stadium and revealed that it was built, not out of love, but out of sheer prideful stupidity.  If you’ll allow me to channel Robbie for a moment, ‘of course this monument to retardation was built in Texas.  This is the same state that thought it was a good idea to put a goddam hill and flag pole on a baseball field.  This is the same franchise that endured a practice facility collapsing, but who is surprised that these idiots didn’t use that incident as inspiration to make sure the architecture in their new home would be well thought out.  This is why cities south of Chicago shouldn’t be allowed to have professional sports teams.’  Thank you.

The world’s biggest video board, located above the middle of the stadium’s field, is only 90 feet off the floor.  That’s about 10 feet too low at least, although it is actually 5 feet above the NFL’s standard height.  The Tennessee Titans were the first NFL team to play the Cowboys at their new stadium and watched as their punters hit the board multiple times in the pre-game warm-ups and once in the game.  It’s really a shame that there’s no way to simulate a punter kicking a ball and measure how high it usually goes.  That would have been an easy way to avoid this situation.

Oh, hey: “[Dallas punter Mat McBriar] topped 100 feet during a trial two years ago when Jones was deciding the height.”  What the f*ck?  Why even have a trial if you’re going to completely ignore the evidence?  I’m not completely upset about it though since this would be a perfect place for my second OJ Simpson joke of the day.  Still, it seems ridiculous to watch a punt go 100 feet in the air and then say, ‘I think 90 feet will do it.’  The way Jones thinks, he probably assumed his punter was in a class by himself.  He’s the Dallas Cowboys punter after all.  No one else in the league can probably get the ball above 60 feet.  This is probably how they ended up playing in a stadium with a giant hole in the roof for so many years.  Jones just assumed that God wouldn’t dare make it rain on the Dallas Cowboys.

The NFL rules committee have scrambled to make rules for the inevitable, punted ball striking the video board.  Those rules, however, only cover this season, which has led to speculation that the league will force Jones to move the boards higher before next year, when the stadium will host the Super Bowl.  At least Roger Goodell was smart enough to realize that Cowboys Stadium would need a year to fix all the stupid glitches.  He probably thought if he allowed Dallas to have the Super Bowl this season, it would end up being played underwater somehow.

Predictably, Jones refuses to admit that his precious wonder boards are too low.  He says if punters would kick towards the sidelines like they are supposed to, the boards would never be hit.  Again, what the f*ck?  This egomaniac just basically said he built the stadium so that players can only play the way he thinks they should.  I hope no one tries to run the ball on 3rd and long or else the running back probably gets electrocuted.

Jones treats these video boards like they are his screw-up kids.  ’My son can’t be blamed for trying to pay a prostitute with a brick of coke.  If you cops were doing your job correctly, you would have arrested the minority who sold him the brick.’

Clearly, we shouldn’t be blaming the boards.  We should be looking at ourselves and trying to discover why we project our own shortcomings on the boards.  The boards are good.  The boards are right.  The word of the boards.

Tags: Dallas Cowboys, douchebaggery, football, Jerry Jones, NFL

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