Pepe the Warlock Means Business

Obviously, this isn't after someone asked: 'how do you feel about warlocks?'

Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo played his first game with Spanish club Real Madrid about a month ago and has already netted 6 goals.  The La Liga power signed the Portuguese sensation for 29-million pounds per year, which basically means they over-paid regardless of how many goals he scores.  And now there’s a warlock in the mix, so that can only be bad…right?  I’ll be honest with you, I don’t really know how to feel about warlocks.

And this warlock’s name is Pepe.  I figure that means he’s either a friendly warlock or he’s brutally cruel and evil to make up for his ridiculous name.  Despite my constant reminders, people still seem to underestimate the effects a name has on it’s owner.  Like, if you name a kid Sawyer, he’s either going to be a total pussy or he’s going to be expelled from his private school for selling hard-line drugs.

Pepe the Warlock, or is it Warlock Pepe, like I said I don’t have much expertise in this area, has written a letter to Real’s president informing him that Ronaldo has had a curse placed on him.

I have been contracted so Cristiano Ronaldo suffers a serious injury. I can’t promise when that will be, but I can say he will be injured for more time than he plays.

What kind of self-respecting warlock writes letters?  Is it too much to ask that Pepe appear in a cloud of smoke and deliver the message in person?  Maybe that’s too extravagant…damned economy.  I hope the note was at least delivered by an owl or some kind of flying monkey thing.

Now no one everyone is wondering who might have payed the fearsome Pepe to put a hex on Ronaldo.  Pepe says it was someone who is “famous and knows the player.”  That doesn’t particularly narrow it down considering Ronaldo travels in packs of famous people.  Oh, Pepe, you are as cunning as you are diabolical.

Since this is clearly a realistic threat and in no way the ravings of a mad lunatic, we as a society need to decide what is to be done about our growing warlock problem.  Hmm, that kind of sounds like the start to one of those pharmaceutical drug commercials.  ’Nine out of ten males over the age of 25 have a growing warlock problem.  But now, there’s help: Sorcerzox.  Get back to your life without the constant fear of warlock attacks.’  Anyway, I don’t have any real suggestions because I live in constant fear of warlocks.  I’m pretty sure this is why we have elected officials, though.

Ed. Note: I can’t tell you how many times I typed ‘warlcok’ in this story.  I just thought you should know.

Tags: Cristiano Ronaldo, Real Madrid, soccer

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