Thurman Thomas is MIA: UPDATE: Found Him

I don't remember Thurman having a beard

Just before the Buffalo Bills were embarrassed at home by the previously winless Browns, a wooden statue of former Bills running back Thurman Thomas was unveiled across the street from Ralph Wilson Stadium.  But, in the aftermath of the defeat, the Thomas statue made like the Bills pride and respectability and vanished.  Authorities are searching for the 8-and-a-half foot tall carving that weighs more than half-a-ton, but naturally finding a giant, nearly immovable statue in Buffalo is like trying to find a woman in Buffalo who isn’t giant and nearly immovable.  So, because we here at Bootlegger Sports care about inanimate objects glorifying former Tecmo Bowl superstars, I have a few hints as to who might have taken the statue.

The easy answer would be that the statue was horrified at the prospect of having to stand around Ralph Wilson stadium, forever associated with the team that just lost despite the opposing quarterback completing only 2 of 17 passes.  No one would blame the monument if he just decided to find the nearest wood chipper and end it all rather than having to live in that kind of shame.

Then again, this is a statue of the man who famously misplaced his helmet during a Super Bowl.  Which would you say is harder to do, lose your helmet during the biggest game of your career, or displace a giant statue of yourself after perhaps the most humiliating defeat in franchise history?

Of course, one shouldn’t overlook the current Bills who may have had something to do with this caper.  Terrell Owens is pretty pissed right now as he is on his way to the worst season of his career.  Who is to say he wouldn’t steal or destroy the statue as a way to get some attention.  Then again, he may have taken it because it didn’t look enough like him.

Marshawn Lynch seems to enjoy legal troubles and probably doesn’t enjoy Bills fans celebrating the good old days when another running back was in the spotlight.  Plus, did I mention he enjoys legal troubles?

Former Current Head Coach Dick Jauron should not be overlooked either.  I mean, he finds a way to lose every week, why couldn’t he also find a way to lose this statue?

Now, here’s a theory that’s a long shot but we have to consider every possible angle.  Maybe Barry Sanders took Thomas’ likeness.  Why Sanders?  Because his wooden statue is tired of sitting behind Thurman’s and is ready to burst onto the scene.

Everything I’ve listed so far could very well be answer to cracking this case, but this last one is the one I’m going with.  I blame Toronto.  The Canadian city that has been planning to steal the Buffalo Bills for years certainly wouldn’t see anything wrong with getting the ball rolling by stealing Thurman Thomas.  Damn you, Toronto.  Now you are only a Jim Kelly, Bruce Smith and Andre Reed statue away from being better than the actual Bills.

UPDATE: A man from Welland, Ontario confessed to taking the statue because he didn’t know it was a significant monument and thought the coals from other people’s tailgates would set it on fire.  You know, it sounded a lot more honest before I just typed it out.  Anyway, Welland is just across Lake Ontario from Toronto, so, uh, you’re welcome Buffalo PD for doing your job for you.  Not only did the guy who took the statue nearly ruin his own life and upset the people responsible for placing the statue across from the stadium in the first place.  He also upset Thurman Thomas, the man, by forcing him to field numerous calls from media outlets asking him about the statue.  And, he will probably get a border patrol guard fired because part of his story includes crossing into Canada with the statue and the guard asking about it and waving him through.  This guy is like the anti-King Midas.  But at least Thurman’s statue has been found and is currently resting comfortably in some Canadian’s garage.

Tags: Buffalo Bills, football, Marshawn Lynch, NFL, Terrell Owens, Thurman Thomas

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