Jermaine O’Neal Thinks We’re Stupid

I call this portrait 'Stealing Money'

Miami Heat forward Jermaine O’Neal has played in all 82 games of a regular NBA season exactly as many times as I have.  While that does put him in elite company, it doesn’t exactly inspire confidence that this will be the comeback season he has suggested it will be.  O’Neal spoke to FanHouse earlier this week to try to get someone to jump on his ‘I’m no longer fat and injured’ bandwagon.  There are still plenty of good seats available.

“I will dominate my position again. I won’t do it the same way I used to. But I’ll do it,” O’Neal said as he prepares for his 14th NBA season.  I’m assuming he doesn’t mean ‘position’ like power forward or center, but rather his position as an aging, over-weight over-the-hill former All-Star.  I have to say he is dominating that position.  I mean, his only real competition is Zach Randolph considering Shaq doesn’t appear interested in competing.

JO says that he’s finally healthy after being plagued by knee injuries the past few seasons.  ”I averaged 14 (points) and seven (rebounds) on one leg the last couple years,” he said for some reason despite the fact that I can easily use the Internet to discover that he actually averaged 13.3 points and 6.5 rebounds.  In what world does a 3 round up, Jermaine?  Oh well, we’ll have to give him the benefit of the doubt here…(whispers) he never went to college.

O’Neal goes on to say that with all of his health problems, he’s been forced to improve the mental side of his game and discover different ways to be effective beyond just being a great athlete.  So, he’s healthy, he’s smarter and he’s motivated.  I will admit that it sounds like JO could be in for a stellar comeback campaign.  That is, until this line: “He has been slowed this month by minor foot, groin and shoulder problems.”  Hmm, he has nagging injuries in essentially every area of his body and he hasn’t even started the 82-game 15-month (give or take a few) grind that is the NBA’s regular season.  How exactly am I supposed to get excited about this guy’s potential again?  It would be easier to get excited about Amy Winehouse’s next album.  You know, the one she does publicity for by announcing how she’s finally clean and motivated to get back into the studio.  Yes, that would inspire more confidence than anything Jermaine O’Neal has announced this off-season.

Oh, did I mention that it just happens to be a contract year for Jermaine?  I’ll bet even he doesn’t know that.  I mean, I can’t imagine that being in the last year of a deal where he is making $22-million, which is about $21-million more than he’s worth, would play any role in him announcing how hungry and in-shape he is for this season.  He might as well sit out every game this season except when Miami plays Memphis, then hope the Grizzlies brass are so impressed by his torching of Marc Gasol that they throw him a ridiculous contract in 2010.  Oh wait, Allen Iverson just texted me to say that it isn’t worth it.

Whether or not O’Neal spent the off-season training and getting healthy, one thing is for certain, he didn’t spend the off-season building his vocabulary.  Hey big fella, what kind of season are you going to have?  ”A really, really surprising season.”

Tags: basketball, Jermaine O'Neal, Miami Heat, NBA

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