Yankees’ Parade is Identity Thief’s Wet Dream

This photo seems to say, 'New York is tired of Andy Petite's crap'

The New York Yankees won the World Series nearly a week ago.  Did you know that?  Personally, I’m shocked because the good folks at Bootlegger Sports told everyone in April that Boston would be World Series champs.  I didn’t even watch any baseball this season because I just assumed Boston would win and all of the suspense had already been ruined for me.

Anyway, apparently I missed out on being disappointed when two teams most of the nation hates got together and the Yankees eventually won their 27th title.  Hey, has anyone used the headline ‘27th Heaven’ yet?  Because that would be a clever and original way to break the news that the Yankees won.

On Friday, the Yanks celebrated with their fans during their victory ticker-tape parade, a New York tradition of misleading rubes.  They don’t actually use ticker-tape anymore, you see?  It’s all a giant hoax designed to allow companies to side-step environmental protection laws and dispose of waste in an easy and cost-free manner.  It’s also a way for potential criminals to become actual criminals.  Allow me to explain.

During Friday’s parade, people in office buildings lining the route ran out of crap to throw out of their windows.  That left them with the option of hurling actual crap, which seemed counter-productive since this was the Yankees below them and not the Mets, or tossing out unshredded financial documents that contained the valuable personal information of their clients, like bank account numbers and social security numbers.  Needless to say, I’ve been using other people’s credit cards to buy Boston Red Sox merchandise on MLB.com all weekend.  Not because I’m a Boston fan, but because I know the owners of the credit card will be even more upset when they get their statement.  Having your identity stolen is bad, but having it stolen and being seen in the eyes of your creditors as a fan of the team you hate, that’s like bad like bear rape, son.

In all, an estimated 50 tons of debris was left on the parade route, which means New Yorkers throwing every scrap of paper they can get their hands on is still less pollutant than one home game on the campus of the University of Georgia.

Most reports about this story have had the decency to leave out the names of the financial firms that exposed their clients to fraud and theft, but not MLB.com.  They like to punish the folks who support their endeavors.  Take that A.L. Sarroff, where reportedly some of the documents came from.  It doesn’t appear you’ll be around to throw paper out of your windows for the next victory parade.

‘Hey there baseball fans, thanks for coming out to support one of our franchises, here’s a free kick to the nads.  Now you know how fans in Pittsburgh feel!  Selig…AWAY!’

Tags: baseball, MLB, New York Yankees

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