London Games Officially Outlaw ‘Professionals’

I made it all the way through a story about London and hos without a Jack the Ripper joke...what's wrong with me

The next Olympics will start in just a few months when the Winter Games begin in Vancouver, but this story doesn’t concern itself with Winter Olympics.  The Winter Olympics are just a cheap knock-off of the vastly superior Summer Games.  They’re like Jesse Eisenberg to the Summer Games’ Michael Cera or Tony Romo to the Summer Games’ Brett Favre or that girl at the bar who might look a little like Marisa Miller if you can just get a few more shots of Tequila down to the Summer Games’ Marisa Miller.

Whether you agree or disagree, just understand that there’s a reason we only see the 2-man luge every four years.

This story is about the London Olympics of 2012, however, and the decision to make it the least sexy Olympics in history.  Well, maybe the 1980 Moscow Games will still have it beat.  I don’t like the combination of an absence of Americans, an abundance of Soviets and body hair and poor steroid regulations.

Organizers of the 2012 Games announced that they are taking ‘pre-emptive action’ to keep sex traffickers away from the event.  That, my friends, is called burying the lede.  You know who won’t have the opportunity to bury the metaphorical lede?  Anyone attending the 2012 Olympics.  No sex traffickers, you see.

Olympics Minister Tessa Jowell, who sounds like she’d be loads of fun at parties, says she hopes the Games “don’t become a target for this vile trade and don’t become tainted as a result.”  I’m not exactly sure what idealistic image of the Olympics Jowell has, but the absence of prostitutes seems like it would create a more tainted Games than their inclusion would.

For the past 4 Olympics, there have been stories about the thousands upon thousands of condoms that are supplied to the participants staying in the Athlete’s Village.  Sure, much of that action is of the athlete on athlete and sometimes athlete on athlete on athlete variety, but I’d imagine anyone would eventually get tired of grinding on someone who was 98-percent toned muscle mass.  For some reason, I’m envisioning a carrot on a cheese grater.

Besides, if it’s just the athletes hooking up all the time it greatly increases the chances that the favorite in some event loses because they were up all night with somebody who has already won their gold medal.

‘Come on baby, how often can you say you spent the night with the World’s Greatest Badminton, uh, Badmintoner, Badmintonist?  Uh…Badminton player in the world?’

And I haven’t even gotten to spectators and the media that will be attending the Games.  You’re telling me people have to get all charged up watching beach volleyball and then not even have the opportunity to drop a few Euros on a non-Olympic sanctioned pole vault?  And what of poor Bob Costas?  That guy is like 3-feet tall and is more condescending than Jesus at a father-son picnic.  Without the Olympics whores, things are going to get awfully awkward between he and Mary Carillo.

Tags: London, olympics

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