Usain Bolt Has A Cheetah

You're going to be disappointed when your read the story

I found out today that Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt recently purchased a baby cheetah.  Needless to say, I was excited.  Images of Mike Tyson’s tiger and the high-jinx that would invariably ensue flooded my brain.  Then, I found out Bolt merely adopted the cat as part of a publicity boost for wildlife conservation in Kenya.  Needless to say, now I’m pretty bummed.

Now I won’t be able to print stories about Usain Bolt’s cheetah escaping and running amok in Jamaica.  And can you imagine if a fellow sprinter was injured by Bolt’s cheetah?  That story would have written itself.

Usain Bolt has always worried about the day when he would have his title of ‘World’s Fastest Man’ taken away, but he appears to have a plan in place to keep that from happening.  Bolt has trained his cheetah to attack anyone who appears faster than it’s master.  For now, most of us are safe, but God forbid Bolt is ever restricted to a wheel chair.

Bolt has spent enough time in the States and in the spotlight that he should understand how to grab headlines.  Adopting a cheetah in a wildlife reserve doesn’t do it.  Buying a cheetah and having him shipped to your home, where you’ve constructed an indoor habitat and plan to race the animal daily, does do it.  And, I know Bolt isn’t a boxer, but maybe people would remember his name for all four years between Olympics if he took some tactics from guys like Floyd ‘you know I keeps a private jet’ Mayweather.  Living a life of luxury, opulence and animals who are dangerously kept away from their natural environment keeps people interested.

At least Bolt chose to adopt an animal that is known for the same thing he is known for, being Jamaican fast.  And most people think cheetahs are great, so well done on that front as well.  He could have been stuck with a loser animal like former Olympic hurdler Colin Jackson, who adopted an eland on the same trip as Bolt.  The AP reports an eland is the largest species of antelope.  But I’m almost positive the eland is an animal that was fabricated to get naturists asking for hand-outs off your back.

‘Oh, you’re collecting for a wildlife reserve?  I think that’s great, but I already gave money to the save the eland fund.  What do you mean you don’t know what an eland is, I thought you were a wildlife expert?  Say, what kind of scam are you pulling here.  Good day to you.’

Tags: Africa, olympics, track and field, Usain Bolt