Amare Stoudemire
Amar’e Stoudemire, The Hebrew Hammer
Amar'e clearly has much to learn about being Jewish
So Amar’e Stoudemire is embracing the Jewish faith now. Maybe that has something to do with the superfluous apostrophe that showed up in his name awhile back? Yes? No? You’ll soon learn I know very little of Judaism outside of stereo-types and jokes. Speaking of which, I guess Amar’e’s per diem is going to go a lot farther now. But he’s also now the worst tipper in the league. See what I’m saying?
Reportedly, Amar’e’s mother, who was absent for much of his childhood, is Jewish. Welcome to the Lenny Kravitz club, Amar’e! Also, watch your ass Omri Casspi. There’s a new Jew in town/the league.
Stoudemire is currently in Jerusalem, if his Twitter is to be believed.
I’m the new Reggie White. (RIP) I’m going 2 Israel 2 study Hebrew. It’s time 2 get a better understanding on who we R. Follow me !! Shalom
Jerusalem is a beautiful city, I’m at a cafe eating a late lunch. I’m learning Hebrew by the min. Keep up !! Shalom.
Well, he’s got that Shalom thing down, I guess. But, if the ‘we’ he’s trying to understand better is tall, black, athletic Jews, he’s going to have a difficult time. Good luck anyway, Amar’e.
Does anyone else find it interesting that he just signed to play in New York and suddenly he’s made it public that he has Jewish ancestry? It’d be like LeBron revealing that he’s a quarter Puerto Rican. Or Darko Milicic revealing that he’s Scandinavian. Or Lance Stephenson revealing that he’s actually incredibly boring (he was drafted by the Pacers).
Amar’e may as well have shown up to his first NY presser with a bagel in his hand, a large slice of pizza in the other and complain about the tourists in Times Square. Also, he could have made an excuse about being late having to do with the E-train running on the D-train’s schedule.
At any rate, I guess Amar’e Stoudemire is now an authentic New York Jew. I don’t know who the Blacks got back in return in the Racial Draft, but it must have been somebody good. Bar Rafaeli, perhaps?
NBA Free Agency Begins, PTA Disbands
The day that we’ve all been waiting for, especially if your name is Dwyane, LeBron or Bosh, is finally here. The NBA Free Agent signing period officially began at midnight Eastern time and it’s been sheer madness ever since. We’re talking true chaos, pure insanity, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!
So now that the signing period has been open for like 14 hours, we should know where LeBron James has signed and how the balance of power has shifted, right? Hahaha…dumbass.
Technically, players can’t sign a new contract until the 8th, so as of now, they’re just talking. They’re just talking, people. Let ‘em work it out.
Here’s what we know:
Darko Milicic has signed to play in Minnesota. Anytime you have a chance to sign a former number 2 pick who has a ring for $20-mil over 4 years, you have to do it. I mean, Darko averages nearly 6 whole points per game. He’ll be the face of the franchise. He puts butts in the seats. This is just another shrewd move by a stellar front office.
The Bucks locked up Drew Gooden. I like the core in Milwaukee. I like what Drew Gooden brings to a team, which essentially amounts to rebounding and an almost unparalleled level of eccentricity. However, Drew will be 34 or so when this contract expires. Thankfully for Milwaukee, Drew will be on his fourth team since signing the deal by then.
Rudy Gay got overpaid by a lot. That’s not surprising. But Memphis turned out to be the ones shelling out for him. That is a bit surprising. $80-million is officially the most money paid to a Gay since…something something Elton John.
Seven assumed different teams are courting Raymond Felton. It’s either because they are in love with him or because they think he can be their starting point guard. Honestly, both are equally ridiculous. Meanwhile, somewhere D.J. Augustin is chuckling maniacally.
Amare Stoudemire seems to have dropped the superfluous apostrophe for now and looks like a “long shot to return to Phoenix”. I mean, not like he’ll be banished from the city. He just won’t play for the Suns anymore. Maybe he’ll be banished from the city. Pat Riley met with Amare already to discuss the possibility of him playing in Miami. I assume he made his pitch with a muttered aside of, ‘unless we get LeBron, Wade and Bosh.’
Speaking of D-Wade, he took the opportunity to meet with his hometown team, the Bulls. People in Chicago were really excited to hear that until they remembered that he already plays for the team but under the name ‘Derrick Rose.’ He may not quite be on the level of Wade yet, but at least he spells his name correctly.
Finally, the big prize…LeBron James. He jerked around the Nets this morning. Some may wonder why he wasted his time there. They obviously didn’t know about his friendly wager with the other free agents. First one that laughs at Mikhail Prokhorov’s accent has to play for the Clippers.
LeBron also met with the Knicks. You hear that, New Yorkers? There’s still hope, which means there’s still time before your attempted suicide. No need to say good-bye to the loved ones though. Considering you cheer for the Knicks though, you’ll inevitably fail.
So that’s what we know today. Just imagine what we’ll know tomorrow. SPOILER ALERT: Nothing good.
I Like Your Style, Amar’e
'Son, if you work hard enough, one day you can get an apostrophe too'
You may have noticed the surplus of hate that’s been hanging around Bootlegger Sports. A good portion of that hate is reserved for Twitter. Not as much as Joe Buck is getting, but a good amount. Twitter is the reason the economy is in the toilet, there I said it. But, we’ve been missing out at times because some people think breaking news on Twitter is the way to go. This is why I now heart Amar’e Stoudemire. So much so that I’m even willing to include the superfluous apostrophe in his name. Where the hell did that apostrophe come from anyway? He didn’t use to use it, but at some point I guess he figured he’d gotten famous and rich enough that he needed that extra bit of flair. Or maybe he was tired of people calling him A-mare. Either way, I’ve rebelled against that apostrophe for a while, but today is the day I give in. Why?
Amar’e Stoudemire has been traded to the Lakers. That’s what a good portion of Twitter sheep believed for at least a moment this afternoon, thanks to Amar’e himself tweeting the false news. I don’t know if he meant to call attention to the ridiculous nature of getting news from Twitter-feeds, but I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. Thanks for the social commentary ‘Amareisreal’, you’ve made America give itself a long, hard look in the mirror. Unfortunately, most of the population soon posted a tweet reading ‘I’m looking at myself in the mirror…LOL! (fart)’.
NBA Bottom 5
Wasn’t the NBA trade deadline exciting? Names like Vince Carter, Tracy McGrady, Amare Stoudemire, Shaq and Richard Jefferson were flying around, but the bodies actually attached to those names didn’t budge. In T-Mac’s case, he may not be budging for a long time. But hey, Anthony Roberson got dealt. What could be better?
5. Post Trade Deadline Injuries- Phoenix was determined to send Amare somewhere, but couldn’t make it happen. The Celtics made some minor moves, but didn’t significantly alter their roster. Both teams probably would’ve wanted to know that just hours after the deadline, their all-star power forwards would be injured, maybe out for the rest of the season. Good news Amare, we aren’t trading you. What do you mean you’re going to intentionally get poked in the eye? Whu… why?…WHY?!?
4. Charles Barkley- Made his triumphant return to TNT’s ‘Inside The NBA’ this week, but failed to pass the blame. Barkley owned up to his mistake and took full responsibility. C’mon Chuck, it’s way more fun to blame the bartender who over-served you. I guess you’ll gain your fans by going the honest route, but I’m not going to be dedicating my next DUI to you, you can be sure of that.
3. A.I.s hair- The Answer cut his cornrows off at All-Star Weekend, now that’s all anybody wants to talk about. This just in, I don’t care what Iverson’s hair looks like. There’s really no need to film it and play it on every show that has anything to do with sports. If A.I. somehow regains the form he had when he carried the 76ers to the finals, then you can tell me all about it. I have to root against that possibility now though, because the idiots in the media would somehow tie his resurrection to his hair.
2. Jose Calderon’s Ham- The Toronto point guard and native of Spain has a life outside of basketball. It’s not glamorous, but it’s honest work. He’s got a pig farm. That’s not a euphemism for a prostitution ring, he honestly raises and slaughters pigs and makes some gourmet ham. That’s great Jose, but don’t come crying to me when you go to give a pig a handful of walnuts and come back with only 3 fingers. Even if a 3 fingered point guard is a great gimmick.
1. Jabbawockeez- Dear God what can I say about these jackasses. Why does ‘America’s Best Dance Crew’ have any relation to sports? Not only did they ruin the All-Star game even before the opening tip, but they are also killing Gatorade commercials and I shudder to think what they’ll destroy next. Thankfully, Obama got inaugurated before this idiocy hit it big, otherwise they might have been breakin’ on stage behind the Chief Justice. Shaq can do what he wants, but leave the masked retards at the curb please.
NBA Bottom 5
Only three teams in the league have yet to hit double digits in the win column, so needless to say I’m pretty bummed. Rumors are already starting to swirl about salary dumping trades though, so good news fans, tanking season is just around the corner.
5. All-Star Voting- The starters for the NBA All-Star game have been announced and the bitching has begun. Stories about who should have been voted in are as abundant as stories about Obama or boobs on the Internet. Plus all the stories about injured players like Carmelo and T-Mac almost getting the nod, or terrible subs like Bruce Bowen nearly beating out Amare Stoudemire. Not that Bowen is that bad… he’s worse, plus he’s old.
4. Rasheed Wallace- ‘Sheed isn’t exactly lighting it up lately, so his post-game interview request are down. Way down. So naturally, he would feel the need to snap Jason Maxiell’s neck for stealing his gig. Or at least try to… failed again eh ‘Sheed?
3. Memphis Grizzlies- Let the tanking begin! Marc Iavaroni gets fired for having the 4th worst record in the league (aka one of the best starts in Memphis history). He’s replaced by interim coach Lionel Hollins, although to be fair Iavaroni was a glorified interim coach himself. Hollins is a stellar 18-46 for his career, which means the Grizz are headed in the right direction. that direction is another lottery pick by the way. Also, Avery Johnson became the first name coach to reject Memphis today. So we get to look forward to every other available coach with experience shooting them down too, and then they’ll settle for… Lionel Hollins!
2. Vinny Del Negro- Speaking of questionable coaching decisions, Vinny is in his first year with the Bulls and it’s looking more and more like it will be his last. And he may be dragging Chicago GM John Paxson down with him. With an 18-25 record, a first year coach would get a pass. Except if Ben Gordon is around to verbally assault that coach. Damn straight Ben, who is this guy who dares fine you for being late? Oh right, your coach… for now.
1. Stephon Marbury- He’s becoming a mainstay in the Bottom 5 thanks to the recent comedy of errors that is his career. Everyone thought he was going to Boston, but no. Then the talk was that Olympiacos in Greece was interested in his services, but no. And it gets worse. Not only have they decided that they don’t need Starbury, they decided to fill the open roster spot with Janerro Pargo. That’s gotta hurt. Steph used to be an All-Star, now he’s losing a roster spot in Greece to a career 6th man. I don’t have a clever analogy to use here, but suffice it to say Marbury is probably pissed off enough to get another tatoo on his head.
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