Antoine and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Post-NBA Career

Looks like 'Toine already lost his shirt

When Rick Pitino was coach and team president of the Boston Celtics, he decided to give Antoine Walker a max-contract equaling six-years and $71-million.  Wait, I haven’t even gotten to the bad part yet.  He then made the following statement, “[Walker] will never have to worry about money again in his life.”  I mean, I knew Pitino’s judgment was poor after that whole Karen Sypher extortion case, but apparently everything he said or did in Boston turned out to be way off the mark.  Unless of course ‘the mark’ was a complete travesty because if that’s the case then bull’s eye, coach.

If you hadn’t heard already, Walker is having to worry about money again in his life because he owes everyone he’s ever met a giant sum of money.  At this point, my only regret in life is never having the pleasure of meeting Antoine Walker.

I reported a couple months back, with an assist from a real reporter who did the real reporting, that ‘Toine had been taken into custody for failing to pay his debts to Las Vegas casinos.  He was able to make bail and play in a celebrity golf tournament, so naturally everyone assumed he was more lazy than broke.  Turns out, it’s likely both.

After making an estimated $110-million before taxes throughout his playing career, Walker appears to be short on cash.  The DA’s office is seeking more than $900-thousand to cover various bad checks Walker has written and court costs.  For failing to pay off promissory notes, he owes JP Morgan Chase and Wachovia more than $1.5-million each.  And he owes his agent and a host of other people more money than you and I will make this year.  And if you make more than what he owes in a year, I have two questions for you: Why aren’t you helping Antoine Walker and how can I be in your entourage?

Walker was reported as a 6-9, 245 pound suspect when he was taken into custody in July.  That’s relevant because he must be hurting for money if he only weighs 245 pounds.  He hasn’t played in the NBA for more than a year, he should be pushing 3-bills by now.  My God, the poor guy can’t even afford to eat.  Somebody get Antoine a dollar for a cheeseburger.

His own mother appears to be in denial about her son’s situation and also appears to know very little about how capitalism and our modern economy work.

Antoine doesn’t owe anybody any explanation.  He’s not out here hurting anybody. He’s trying to live his life peacefully. That’s all he’s doing . . . My son is young. Why can’t he just enjoy life, go where he wants to go?

Despite the obvious economic oversights in her opinion, I would love to live in the world Antoine Walker’s mom thinks we live in.  Sorry I can’t pay for any of this, but I’m young so suck on that.  Now point me to the Bentley dealership, Gramps.

By the way, did you know ‘Toine has two Bentley’s and a handful of other luxury cars?  Or, at least, he did at one point.  He also enjoys collecting high-dollar watches from Rolex and Cartier.  I guess what I’m saying is, do your Christmas shopping at ‘Toine’s this year.  He’s got a great selection of fine merchandise and is very motivated to sell.

If Walker is unable to pay his debts, he could serve up to 4-years in prison.  However, if he’s able to find a job and make an acceptable payment plan, he could avoid any jail time.  It’s been reported that he is looking for employment, but I also heard he was interested in getting back into the NBA.  He’s only 33, but still.  If that’s an acceptable avenue for him to take, I expect the same leniency.  The next time I go to the unemployment office, I’m putting down that I worked out for NBA teams when they ask if I looked for work.  It’s not my fault if those damn GM’s couldn’t show up on time.

Tags: Antoine Walker, basketball, NBA, Rick Pitino

Las Vegas Has Gotten Soft

No, no, Antoine should be on the other end of the club

Former token NBA fat guy Antoine Walker once famously said, when asked why he shoots so many threes, “cause there ain’t no four.”  Evidently, the same has held true after basketball, in his craps career.  See because “there ain’t no four” so he’s stuck crapping out with 2’s and 3’s.  Yeah, it makes sense. 

‘Toine crapped the bed in Vegas to the tune of $822,500 in debts.  He was taken into custody yesterday by Douglas County police while at the Harrah’s on Lake Tahoe.  An arrest warrant had been issued on Tuesday.  And Las Vegas casinos officially became pussies sometime between when Sinatra died and now. 

Walker is accused of writing bad checks worth a total of $1-million to Caeser’s Palace, Planet Hollywood and the Red Rock Resort.  By my math, he should have at least 3 busted kneecaps by now.  Instead, he’s a free man with the ability to walk under his own power after posting $135-thousand for bail.  Where are the Vegas gangsters waiting for him when he got out of jail to say ‘oh, so you got money for bail but ain’t got money to repay your gambling debts?  I don’t think the boss is gonna like that.’ 

Plus, his debts were built up from last July to January.  He’s had at least some debt to a Las Vegas casino for an entire year and at no point was he found stripped to his underwear in the desert, missing a pinkie.  What the hell happened to that town? 

I have a feeling new Vegas isn’t too thrilled with this story getting out because it spoils the perception that they’re still run by a bunch of degenerate mobsters.  If people start to realize there are no dire consequences beyond jail time for not paying back their gambling debts, they’ll be no more inclined to pay them off than they are to pay off student loans. 

Antoine Walker should write a book about how to beat the casino.  ‘Chapter One: Bet it all, don’t pay anything… THE END.’  That’s the best you’ll ever do gambling.

Tags: Antoine Walker, Las Vegas, NBA

Antoine Walker is Ready to Shoot… Whiskey

Antoine Walker, former NBA player, once said, when asked why he shot so many three’s, “cause there ain’t no four.”  Now that he’s out of the league, he’s found a place where he can take as many shots as he wants.  It’s a place called Miami Beach and Walker went there on a mission Sunday night.  By 5:39 AM, he was still hammered as he tried to drive home without his lights on and was pulled over by the police. 

The arresting officer said he detected a strong smell of alcohol and ‘Toine had a sleepy look on his face.  I can’t speak on the smell, but I can assume, but I know Walker always looks a little sleepy.  If that’s all it takes to get a DWI, Tracy McGrady better never drive anywhere. 

If there is a God, video of of the incident will be made available soon.  I’d like to know how many times Walker tried to convince the officer that he was a famous basketball player. 

“No sir, you don’t look familiar, and you’re so fat, I don’t think you could walk 90 feet, much less run it.”

Plus, watching him try to ‘Toine shake along a straight line is going to be priceless.

Tags: Antoine Walker, drunk, NBA, Tracy McGrady