It’s Funny Because They Lost

As Vikings fans awake to a world where a Super Bowl title continues to elude them and Brett Favre awakes to a world where another entire week of media coverage monopoly eludes him, the rest of us awake to a world where Minnesota losing is hilarious.

Favre only threw 7 interceptions this season, which is roughly 50 below his previous single season low.  So, with the game on the line and Joe Buck in the booth at half-mast eagerly spewing non-sense about the ol’ gunslinger getting set to single-handedly win yet another classic game, you couldn’t help but guffaw like a lunatic when the Saints intercepted a pass inside their own 30-yard-line with less than 15 seconds remaining.

A moment this perfect would really be a valid argument that the NFL is scripted like pro-wrestling except that there’s no way the NFL writers would have Favre go out like that.  This played out like a blogger’s fan-fiction version of the NFC championship game.

It’s all good though.  Favre shared a long hand-shake and congratulations with Sean Payton after the game and handled the soul-crushing loss with grace and humility.  Vikings fans will go back to pretending there’s more to their frosty lives than professional football and telling themselves ‘at least I’m not from Wisconsin.’  And the Vikings’ radio team will likely slit their wrists after being unable to bear the pain of losing.

IF you haven’t already watch the included video, do so now.  And if you thought members of the media, which I guess these two technically qualify as, were supposed to be impartial, you’ve clearly been ignoring the media for the past several years.

This clip is pretty special, but I hope somebody in that booth was on top of things enough to record these guys when they went to break.  I can only imagine the hate-filled diatribe that they must have gone on, which likely ended with them screaming unintelligibly.  It may have also included the words ‘I drive a Dodge Stratus!’

Bootlegged from Awful Announcing

Tags: Brett Favre, douchebaggery, football, Minnesota Vikings, New Orleans Saints, NFL

When Will The Junior Seau Hating Begin?

Junior hates confetti because it obstructs people's view of him

Future Hall of Fame linebacker Junior Seau is every bit the attention grabbing, indecisive media whore that Brett Favre is, so why no ill will towards the guy?  He retired in 2006 for four days, then signed with the Patriots.  Then he retired again before the 2008 season, but again came back to play 4 games with New England.  As of right now, he’s retired, but has publicly stated that he would be willing to rejoin the Pats. The only thing missing is about 100 hours of media coverage and we have ourselves a full-blown Favre alert.

And Seau is actually a little worse than Favre.  I know, it seems crazy to say that someone has out-Favre’d Favre, but hear me out.  Junior says he would play football again, but only for New England and only for six games at most.  Why the short season?  Go ahead and shout out your guesses.  Mhmm, yeah, I’m hearing selfishness…I’ll go ahead and say selfishness.  ”Anymore would cut too much into his time with his children.”  So we were all right…pure selfishness.

Of course, technically, Seau isn’t retired.  ”I’ve learned not to say ‘retirement,” he said, then probably continued with ‘except when saying how I’ve learned not to say ‘retirement’, and when explaining that I said ‘retirement’ to point out that I’ve learned not to say ‘retirement’, and when explaining my explanation of why I said ‘retirement’ to point out that I’ve learned not to say ‘retirement.’

Oh, and did I mention the media whoring?  Seau is currently working on a series for the network Versus.  It’s called ‘Sports Jobs with Junior Seau’ and in it, he takes on tasks like working on an IndyCar pit crew or being an LPGA caddy.  So it’s basically like ‘Shaq Versus’ except rather than actually competing against anyone, Junior will be playing the role of the obscure people who no one really cares about.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t a role he was born to play.  Also, I’m confused about how he spends time with his kids while making a TV show.  Are his kids teamsters?

And the fact that this story exists at all is Favre-ian in and of itself.  Why are we talking about Junior Seau all of a sudden?  Who asked him if he’d be willing to play ball again?  Why not ask Jeff George or Bill Romanowski what their plans are for the upcoming football season?  This act wore thin long ago.  I guess when Seau said he was “graduating” when he retired in ‘06, he meant to imply that he’d be attending grad school to obtain an advanced degree in douchbaggery under the expert tutelage of Prof. Favre.  Unfortunately, that’s a more profitable degree than journalism at this point.

Tags: Brett Favre, football, Junior Seau, New England Patriots, NFL

Not So Fat, Andre Smith

You're welcome for this picture

Cincinnati Bengal offensive lineman Andre Smith ended his rookie hold-out over the weekend when he signed a 4-year contract with $21-million in guaranteed money.  That amounts to about $328-thousand per game, but he’ll only make half of that for any game that he weighs more than 350 pounds. While this might initially sound like solid reasoning by the Bengals to keep their number one draft pick in shape, it might turn out to be a seriously stupid decision, or as I like to call it, a typical Bengals decision.  What happens when, on Friday night, Smith realizes he’s at 365?  He starts cutting weight like a wrestler, spitting everywhere, not eating and jogging in a sweatsuit.  Then comes Sunday when he’s so weak and worn-out, he provides almost as little protection as Britney Spears around her kids.

That possibility aside, I love the idea of a specific contract clause punishing players for their most obvious vice.  For Andre Smith and his man-boobies, it’s eating, or more accurately, gaining weight.  How does one gain weight aside from eating?  I don’t know, but clearly Andre has figured something out.  There are plenty of other NFL players who need these clauses in their contract to save themselves from themselves.  For example:

Tony Romo- Every game he plays while dating a singer will result in the loss of his game check.  Come on, Tony, that’s obviously the reason you aren’t winning playoff games.

Vernon Davis- Every use of the phrase ‘you know’ in interviews will result in a $1-thousand dollar fine.  I would suggest nothing but one question interviews, Vernon.  Unless you want to lose $61-thousand like you would here.

Kurt Warner- Thanking God, Jesus or your ‘personal savior’ in interviews will result in a fine.  Giving your personal testimony to teammates will result in Matt Leinart starting the next game.  Harsh I know, but you’ve got to learn a lesson, Kurt.

Brian Westbrook- Any appearance on the injury report will result in a loss of half of your game check.  What I’m essentially saying is that, Brian, you’re now only making half of what you used to make.

Brett Favre- Any mention of the word ‘retire’ except in the phrase ‘no, I’m not retiring’ will result in you receiving a lifetime suspension from the league.  Enough is enough, Brett.

Kyle Orton- Any game played with a neck beard will result in the loss of your game check and a mandatory delousing.  If you need to know what the guidelines for appearance are, just do what New England does.  Those are the new guidelines in Denver.

Jay Cutler- Any game played with diabetes will result in a $50-thousand dollar fine.  This is for your own good, Jay.  We feel you just need some motivation to beat this thing.  Magic Johnson would’ve been healthy $5-million dollars ago.

UPDATE: Andre Smith broke his foot during non-contact drills today.  How much do you have to weigh to break your foot just by standing on it?  Probably more than 350-pounds but less than he’ll weigh after staying off the foot for a whole week.  The positive aspect of this story is that every delivery restaraunt within a 20-mile radius of Smith’s house can now pay for their kids’ college.

Tags: Andre Smith, Brett Favre, Brian Westbrook, Cincinnati Bengals, football, Jay Cutler, Kurt Warner, Kyle Orton, NFL, Tony Romo, Vernon Davis

Favre May Have/Cause Cracked Rib

My fingers taste like dirt and ass.

Bwett Favwe towd ESPN today that he may have a cwacked wib.   :(

Keep in mind, nobody from the team medical department has said this, and it isn’t official, Bwett just thinks it hurts a awful awful wot, and is a major owie. 

Later, ESPN reported that he was still scheduled to start the first half of the Vikings’ game against the Texans.  In other news, I may crack a rib of my own watching this ego-maniacal shit bag attempt to play a young man’s game with his old ass body.

Seriously, why would a quarterback make an injury like that known to anyone, let alone everyone?  You’d think he would keep that sort of thing quiet, so as not to take any helmets to the ribs, or undue abuse from Defensive linemen who thrive on that sort of knowledge.  But if you thought that you’d be wrong.  Probably because you’d be thinking about what most quarterbacks would do in a situation where they thought they might have a cracked rib. 

But you must remember, this is Brett “Please Talk About Me Some More” Favre here.  By leaking this should-be-confidential (if in fact it’s even true) information about himself he not only gets to be in even more headlines, but he also gets to have an excuse for sucking really bad when the spotlight is centered fully on him and him alone.  If by some miracle he should perform well, then he can play the “gutsy” card and be a gunslinger and a hero or a Maverick or some shit like that. 

Here’s to lots and lots of sacks.

Tags: Brett Favre, douchebaggery, football, Houston Texans, Minnesota Vikings, NFL

John David Booty is A Humanitarian

Booty searches for another lost soul to help

While competing for the Trojan football team at USC, John David Booty was the big man on campus.  He received Heisman-hype and was recognized as a star throughout LA.  But when his time with the NCAA was up, he became a bit-player in the star-studded NFL.  In his rookie season last year with the Vikings, he never appeared in a regular season game and didn’t throw a touchdown even in the pre-season.  While at USC, he led one of the best offenses in the nation and beat out future first round draft pick Mark Sanchez for the job.  Now, he can’t beat out less heralded QB’s Tarvaris Jackson or Sage Rosenfels.  This is not a story of Booty’s failures as a pro athlete, however.  This is a story of his successes as a person.

Today, Booty is expected to give his number, a big part of his very identity with the Vikings, and perhaps even his roster spot to a bewildered old man who has fallen on hard times.  A soon to be 40 former football star wandered into Minnesota’s training facility today in search of hand-outs and asylum.  Booty plans to give him much more.  He plans to give him a job.

Booty has only completed one season as a pro since being drafted in the 5th round in 2008.  He’s hardly had time to establish his independence financially.  Yet he was more than willing to sacrifice his future for the sake of another human.  The NBA has laid claim to the ad slogan, “where caring happens”, but never have I heard of any athlete embodying that phrase more than John David Booty.

Skeptics might point out that if Booty is released from the Vikings because of his charitable allowance of a stubble-faced geriatric to take his spot, he’ll likely find a better opportunity with another franchise.  That might be true, but one should see that scenario playing out as a result of karma, rather than a reason Booty can afford to be so giving.

It has been reported that Booty will wear number 9 for the rest of his time in Minnesota, but in my book, the kid is a perfect 10.  As for the unkempt transient who owes so much to the second year man from USC, he will continue to live a charmed life, depending on the kindness of strangers.  Before the end of the pre-season, Jackson and Rosenfels are expected to grant him the starting position for which they’ve been battling.  If this old-timer is able to find some life left in his arm and take the Vikings to the playoffs, well, that would be the greatest miracle of all.

Tags: Brett Favre, football, John David Booty, Minnesota Vikings, NFL, Sage Rosenfels, Tarvaris Jackson