Thurman Thomas is MIA: UPDATE: Found Him

I don't remember Thurman having a beard

Just before the Buffalo Bills were embarrassed at home by the previously winless Browns, a wooden statue of former Bills running back Thurman Thomas was unveiled across the street from Ralph Wilson Stadium.  But, in the aftermath of the defeat, the Thomas statue made like the Bills pride and respectability and vanished.  Authorities are searching for the 8-and-a-half foot tall carving that weighs more than half-a-ton, but naturally finding a giant, nearly immovable statue in Buffalo is like trying to find a woman in Buffalo who isn’t giant and nearly immovable.  So, because we here at Bootlegger Sports care about inanimate objects glorifying former Tecmo Bowl superstars, I have a few hints as to who might have taken the statue.

The easy answer would be that the statue was horrified at the prospect of having to stand around Ralph Wilson stadium, forever associated with the team that just lost despite the opposing quarterback completing only 2 of 17 passes.  No one would blame the monument if he just decided to find the nearest wood chipper and end it all rather than having to live in that kind of shame.

Then again, this is a statue of the man who famously misplaced his helmet during a Super Bowl.  Which would you say is harder to do, lose your helmet during the biggest game of your career, or displace a giant statue of yourself after perhaps the most humiliating defeat in franchise history?

Of course, one shouldn’t overlook the current Bills who may have had something to do with this caper.  Terrell Owens is pretty pissed right now as he is on his way to the worst season of his career.  Who is to say he wouldn’t steal or destroy the statue as a way to get some attention.  Then again, he may have taken it because it didn’t look enough like him.

Marshawn Lynch seems to enjoy legal troubles and probably doesn’t enjoy Bills fans celebrating the good old days when another running back was in the spotlight.  Plus, did I mention he enjoys legal troubles?

Former Current Head Coach Dick Jauron should not be overlooked either.  I mean, he finds a way to lose every week, why couldn’t he also find a way to lose this statue?

Now, here’s a theory that’s a long shot but we have to consider every possible angle.  Maybe Barry Sanders took Thomas’ likeness.  Why Sanders?  Because his wooden statue is tired of sitting behind Thurman’s and is ready to burst onto the scene.

Everything I’ve listed so far could very well be answer to cracking this case, but this last one is the one I’m going with.  I blame Toronto.  The Canadian city that has been planning to steal the Buffalo Bills for years certainly wouldn’t see anything wrong with getting the ball rolling by stealing Thurman Thomas.  Damn you, Toronto.  Now you are only a Jim Kelly, Bruce Smith and Andre Reed statue away from being better than the actual Bills.

UPDATE: A man from Welland, Ontario confessed to taking the statue because he didn’t know it was a significant monument and thought the coals from other people’s tailgates would set it on fire.  You know, it sounded a lot more honest before I just typed it out.  Anyway, Welland is just across Lake Ontario from Toronto, so, uh, you’re welcome Buffalo PD for doing your job for you.  Not only did the guy who took the statue nearly ruin his own life and upset the people responsible for placing the statue across from the stadium in the first place.  He also upset Thurman Thomas, the man, by forcing him to field numerous calls from media outlets asking him about the statue.  And, he will probably get a border patrol guard fired because part of his story includes crossing into Canada with the statue and the guard asking about it and waving him through.  This guy is like the anti-King Midas.  But at least Thurman’s statue has been found and is currently resting comfortably in some Canadian’s garage.

Tags: Buffalo Bills, football, Marshawn Lynch, NFL, Terrell Owens, Thurman Thomas

Terrell Owens is Homeless

'That's my 6-bedroom, half-million dollar house, man'

Is there anything Bills’ receiver Terrell Owens can do to become a more sympathetic figure to fans?  What if he donated his signing bonus to charity?  What if he adopted an orphan?  What if he lived on the streets?  The first two may not be likely to happen, but if Buffalo residents have their way, Owens may end up without a home in the area. 

Tuesday night, T.O. used his Twitter feed to announce that residents of the Buffalo suburb Orchard Park don’t want him living in their neighborhood because “they don’t want any drama”.  Is it really drama to have a large group of reporters and a helicopter crowded around your driveway while you do sit-ups?  I guess that qualifies in Buffalo. 

I’m really disappointed by this news.  I mean, what is the world coming to?  We are reporting on something that Terrell Owens said on Twitter?  I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve come across that sounded interesting but didn’t post here because the main content stemmed from Twitter.  Instead of use that site, I think we are going to start attributing athletes names to content from texts from last night.  That’s just as newsworthy and legitimate. 

A local real estate agent refuted Owens’ claims, which really puts me into a quandary.  Sure, a T.O. tweet isn’t a reliable source, which included an “LOL!!!”, but how can you trust anything a realtor tells you?  That guy probably also tried to tell Terrell that Terrell Owens once lived in the house he was showing. 

The realtor was quoted as saying, “I don’t know how it all got started”, referring to Owens’ claim that residents don’t want him in their neighborhoods.  I think maybe I can clear that up.  Twitter… giving delusional egomaniacs a public forum for their insanity for the past few months.

Tags: Buffalo Bills, douchebaggery, football, NFL, Terrell Owens

Terrell Owens is Starting Early

Are we sure T.O. didn't do that to Stuart Scott's eye?

Everytime Terrell Owens joins a new team, fans and media-types wait eagerly, or anxiously if he’s on your team, for him to start destroying the franchise.  It usually takes him until his second year at a new location to piss everyone around him off, but it seems like he’s off to a roaring start in Buffalo. 

The Bills are holding a voluntary mini-camp this week and 30-minutes into today’s 90-minute session, Owens injured cornerback Terrence McGee.  I’m not sure exactly how this helps T.O., but I’m sure he has it planned out in his head.  Maybe McGee, being the leader of the team’s secondary, was fielding too many questions about what it’s like to cover Terrell in practice.  Maybe he gave the wrong answers when asked those questions.  Maybe it was all just an innocent accident Maybe Owens is just an unbelievable asshole who doesn’t need a reason.  Whatever the case may be, it seems clear now the Bills won’t be making the playoffs yet again. 

At least Owens finally wised up and realized that his all too public displays of dissatisfaction with a franchise were greatly diminishing his value.  If he just starts injuring teammates when he’s unhappy then he can’t really be blamed.  At the end of the year, people will say ‘the Bills suffered through a bunch of injuries this year and that cost them a chance at the post-season, but hats off to T.O. for sticking it out and continuing to work.’  That quote is taken directly out of Owens’s head. 

So maybe T.O. was just upset that he was present at a voluntary workout.  He decided to get back at the team by injuring Terrence McGee.  What happens when Marshawn Lynch, if he’s not in prison, fumbles in the redzone, possible costing Owens a TD?  Say goodbye to your ACL, Marshawn.  What if Trent Edwards checks down to another receiver when Terrell thinks he’s open?  Get ready for rehab, Trent.  What if the playcall is a run on a critical 3rd and short and the Bills don’t make it?  I hope you enjoy traction, Dick Jauron.  Incidentally, if you’re ever asked ‘Who’s Dick Jauron’, the proper response is, ‘fuck you, Jauron my Dick’.

Tags: Buffalo Bills, Dick Jauron, football, NFL, Terrell Owens, Terrence McGee

Please Excuse Terrell Owens

T.O. seen here raising awareness for the NBA and idiocy

Terrell Owens skipped the first voluntary work-out with the Buffalo Bills and media-types have taken the opportunity to bash him for it.  For people who write or speak for a living, they seem to have a real problem with the word ‘voluntary’.  Blah blah first impressions and work ethic and what not, the point is he’s getting older, he’s an established star and call me when he skips training camp.  Oh yeah, he had a valid excuse anyway. 

Owens attended an Alzheimer’s benefit in Washington D.C. instead of working out with his new team.  Wait, are we sure that’s not just his clever way of telling people that he forgot about the workout?  Apparently not, he appeared at the National Alzheimers’ Gala (are they celebrating Alzheimer’s?) to receive the Young Champions Award.  I guess to qualify for that award, you either need to be a child or act like one. 

Actually, it’s given out for raising awareness about Alzheimer’s.  Owens’s grandmother is currently battling the disease.  Oh, you didn’t know that?  Come to think of it, me neither.  In fact, this is the first I’m hearing of Owens and Alzheimer’s in the same sentence.  As long as you don’t count Cowboys and Eagles and 49ers fans wishing it on him, I mean.  No one would have even known he attended this benefit if it hadn’t conflicted with a Bills’ team function.  Still, he is doing a bang up job raising awareness.  When will he be accepting his award for raising awareness of douchebaggery?  Now that’s an honor he’s worthy of.

Tags: Alzheimer's, Buffalo Bills, football, NFL, Terrell Owens

Marshawn Lynch Has A Story

Marshawn is practicing for his second career as a hand model

If only Buffalo Bills’ running back Marshawn Lynch would have been keeping a running diary of his Pro Bowl vacation.  It might have looked something like this…

Friday: Finally made it to Hawaii.  It’s sunny here, which is nice because the ladies can see the light bouncing off my gold tooth.  The guy who drove me from the airport was an amazing driver, he only hit one pedestrian.  I know I couldn’t have done any better.  Going to try to get rested up, tomorrow I hit the beach and find out if any of the natives can braid hair.

Saturday: Turns out Larry Fitzgerald brought a girl with him to do his braids, so she hooked me up too.  Thank God she did, or I would have looked like a crazy homeless guy on national TV.  You know what else is great about Hawaii?  I can wear sunglasses all the time to hide my lazy, pirate eye.  In Buffalo, that bad boy is on display 24/7.  Tomorrow is the big day so I better get going… only 12 hours left to get loaded. 

Monday: The Pro Bowl was as boring to play in as it is to watch.  If they ever move this thing out of Hawaii, count me out.  My boy just told me it’s in Miami next year… get my agent on the phone.  If it isn’t a contract year for me, I’m going to throw the season away so I won’t have to show up.  Miami is great and all, but I’ll hit that up when there’s no shitty exhibition game tied to it. 

Tuesday: God I’m hung-over.  Me and some of the boys stuck around in Hawaii for an extra day and it was worth it.  But now I have to catch a plane and I’m still a little drunk.  Also, my head is throbbing because Kurt Warner won’t shut the hell up.  He’s been quoting scripture to me since 2 AM.  Give that guy one too many shots of Tequila and you’ll pay for it. 

Wednesday:  I’m back in LA but I already miss Hawaii.  You’ll never guess what happened to me.  I was just chilling in my boy’s whip and I decided to put on an impromptu gun safety lesson with the .45 I bought from Plaxico.  (It’s a long story, but just know he’s getting rid of his weapons for cheap)  All of a sudden, these cops show up and put cuffs on me.  I’m worried because I didn’t get to the part of the lesson where I show how to use the safety. 

So, long story short, Marshawn Lynch is a surprisingly good writer.  I guess he made his time in Berkeley count.  Oh, also he got arrested last week for gun possession.  That part is true.  I mean, it’s all true, but that part is really true. 

Like when I say I’ve been sleeping with Marisa Miller, that’s true.  But when I say I’ve been slapped with a restraining order by Marisa Miller, that’s really true.

Tags: Buffalo Bills, Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald, Marisa Miller, Marshawn Lynch, NFL, Plaxico Burress, Pro Bowl