Ozzie Guillen Would Like Some Attention, Please

If the ump could understand a word of what Ozzie says, he'd really be upset.

The Chicago White Sox are on top for the moment in the AL Central, but no one has really been paying much attention to them or, more specifically, their manager.  Ozzie Guillen has largely been ignored for much of the season, but he’d like to change all that.  Take a bit of racism, add a pinch of Spanglish and mix in some cliches and BAM, you have a perfect batch of attention.

Ozzie would like everyone to know how unfair it is that Asian players are treated so much better than Latin players.  Specifically, he’d like to call your attention to the fact that there are no Spanish translators hired by teams, but it is common practice to hire Japanese or Korean translators for players.  He makes a good point actually.  If they didn’t have anyone to translate for Asian players, no one could communicate with them.  They don’t have anyone specifically hired to translate for Spanish-language speaking players and there’s no one who can communicate with them either.  Except of course the dozen or more other players who are fluent in Spanish and speak at least some English, at least one coach who speaks both languages and maybe even a scout or front office employee who can translate.  Other than those people, there’s no one that can understand the poor Latin players.

Of course, Ozzie described this problem in his patented quasi-English language so maybe baseball does need more translators for Latin players and managers.  I mean, I personally think listening to him butcher two languages at once is awesome, but maybe if he had someone to translate for him he could make a more compelling argument for all the crazy ideas he comes up with.

Speaking of which, he soon became tired of discussing the lack of translators in baseball.  Maybe he sensed that he wasn’t making a good case for it or maybe he figured it wouldn’t make headlines by itself.  Either way, he switched tracks onto everybody’s favorite hot-button topic…from three years ago: PEDs!

Ozzie says he’s the only one telling young Latin players not to take steroids.  Of course, he’s doing this for their own well-being out of the goodness of his heart.  He certainly isn’t doing this for attention or so people will give him awards.  But damn it why don’t people give him more credit for his self-less acts?

I’m the only one to teach the Latinos about not to use. “I’m the only one and Major League Baseball doesn’t [care]. All they care about — how many times I argue with the umpires, what I say to the media. But I’m the only one in baseball to come up to the Latino kids and say not to use this and I don’t get any credit for that.

I guess since he’s so dedicated to helping the young players, he missed the fact that MLB employs an entire staff of people to deal with these same issues and even has employees in the Dominican Republic full-time to educate prospects.

But how can they communicate without a translator?

Tags: baseball, Chicago White Sox, MLB, Ozzie Guillen

Ozzie Guillen is an Incredible Writer

Insert stereotypical Latin jargon here

You have likely heard all about Chicago White Sox manager and human soundbite Ozzie Guillen’s Twitter feed by now.  But, if you haven’t actually read it, you’re missing out on some of the best writing of our generation.  As long as you don’t mind typos, misspelling and some Spanish.

Otherwise incredible writers have often struggled to find that conversational voice and style that allows them to truly speak through their characters.  Guillen struggles to find any voice that’s not completely conversational, by which I mean he writes exactly like he talks, which is like a stereotype of a Latin baseball coach.

Guillen accomplishes this feat of phonetic Venezuelan writing so well, in fact, many people actually assumed that his Twitter account was being faked by some unnamed impostor.  It’s been discovered that Ozzie is actually behind the tweets, but read what he’s been writing and tell me he wouldn’t have been better off claiming it was a fake.

going to eat in half hour why dye no have a job ?

Thanks a lot for the support i like it the twitter…..

I feel nice and relax today I don’t know why yeeessssssss carlos quentin and rios in camp b ready people

Bed and bath I love this places

Dr drew I like you work very very patient guy I wish I have that abilities u have.

the real thingh star today iam so ready for a great summer I wish the best luck to ur boys

Clearly, every organization that is set-up to stop intolerance and bigotry targeted at minorities is interested in getting Ozzie Guillen off of Twitter because he’s really not helping.  But how can you not be excited about the baseball season when you consider how amazing Ozzie could be with an open forum like this?  In fact, Vegas needs to start taking prop bets on how long it will take Guillen to get his first Twitter related suspension or fine.  I’m assuming he would be reprimanded for tweeting this after the home opener:

‘These ump no hav eyes……wat a yoke.’

See, I couldn’t set that one off like the actual Ozzie quotes because it fit in too well.

Tags: baseball, Chicago White Sox, MLB, Ozzie Guillen, twitter

White Sox Fans Are The Problem

'It's your fault I'm a bad GM.'

With the All-Star break approaching, MLB teams are quickly being divided into buyers and sellers.  Most teams with a chance of making the playoffs are buyers, provided they aren’t owned by a penny-pinching miser.  The Chicago White Sox don’t exactly fall into either category.  They tried to acquire Jake Peavy in May, but the Padres ace nixed the deal.  Now, GM Kenny Williams would like you to believe that the Sox can’t make a big move because of budgetary constraints.  Namely, the fans aren’t supporting the team enough. 

”Well, if I’m being completely honest money is more of the issue now. We expected a little more support than we’ve gotten,” Williams said.  US Cellular Field Ballpark is only drawing about 26-thousand fans per home game, which is a drop of more than 4-thousand per game from last season.  So the numbers back up the claims, but does this sound like a cop out to anybody else?  Williams has been unable to do his job, so he’s blaming the fans before they can blame him.  It’s like he’s telling them that Manny would be in Chicago right now if they’d bought season tickets.  Similar to if I said this article, nay this site, would be better if more people showed up every day.  It’s your fault when you really think about it. 

Williams’s plan is working too.  Maybe he isn’t going to win many fans over by throwing them under the bus, although I’m sure some other team’s fans think White Sox faithful under a bus is pretty great.  But, the fans don’t keep Williams employed and people that work with him are saying good things.  After acquiring Tony Pena from Arizona on Tuesday, Mark Buehrle showed his support by saying “It just shows everybody in the clubhouse that he’s out there trying to do what he can do to make this team better”.  Really Mark?  He picked up a middle reliever, don’t be fooled just because he’s telling you how hard his job is right now.  Would you go to a restaurant and applaud the chef for serving you grilled cheese, which I believe is the food equivalent of Tony Pena, when you ordered and needed steak?  I guess Mark Buehrle would as long as the chef made some excuse about why his job was so hard. 

The question that keeps popping into my mind is, which came first, the poor attendance or the boring baseball team?   It is possible that Williams has a valid point and more fans at the park would enable him to get a great player before the trading deadline, although I still don’t think he should have come out and said it.  On the other hand, he may have driven the fans away by not making strong moves and allowing a team that won the World Series not long ago to crumble.  Keep in mind that last year’s big move was to bring in Ken Griffey Jr.  I love the Kid, but at this stage in his career, he’s not going to put anyone over the top.  The idea that he would was probably also the fans’ fault.

Tags: baseball, Chicago White Sox, Kenny Williams, Mark Buehrle, MLB

MLB and Bobby Jenks Have a Puss-Off

What's worse? Bobby's pink chin hair or bitch tits?

So the big news item in baseball today is what the MLB’s response will be to Bobby Jenks’ admission that he intentionally threw behind a batter. 

“I meant to.  To send a message.  Basically I was saying, ‘I’m sick of seeing our guys get hit and hurt and almost get taken out of the game.’  I threw it with intention”

That sounds pretty hardcore badasstically awesome all by itself.  But that’s where proper context steps in and slimes everything up.  This ”message” he threw behind Ian Kinsler’s ass.   Not his head, upper back, nor anything remotely threatening, but behind a big fleshy lump of fat with zero likelihood of an injury.

But of course only an asshole would try to injure a fellow player who wasn’t the direct target of retaliation.  So if Bobby was trying to hit him in the ass, then maybe he’s not such a pussy after all.  What’s that you say?

Jenks said he had no intention of hitting Kinsler, especially in a one-run game.  “I’m not going to put a guy on in that situation.  I was not going to hit him.  I made my point with that pitch and it came across the way I wanted it to.”

So the message sent was that Jenks will avenge his battered teammates and ward off future bean balls by intentionally missing his target while at the same time throwing in an area that every batter ever would rather be pegged in than any other?  That’s the guy I’d want watching my back in a fight.  Boy howdy.

The best part is that the MLB, not to be out pansied, is considering suspending Bobby for intentionally not hitting a guy in the ass.  Just because he was honest about it.  After they reach this conclusion they’ll undoubtedly ponder whether or not to dress the players like the girls from “A League of Their Own.”

Here’s to Jonathan Broxton’s naked thighs.

Tags: baseball, Bobby Jenks, Chicago White Sox, Ian Kinsler, MLB