Denial and the BCS: A Love Story

Bill Hancock, BCS Chief and spokesman for handsome cream

The BCS recently hired a new executive director who began his tenure Thursday by pissing off everyone but the two schools slated to play for this season’s national championship.  Clearly, they made the right decision on who should get the job.

Bill Hancock, who’s name naturally has some reference to ‘dick’ because it’s a prerequisite for his position, made his first act as BCS Chief by telling everyone how great the system he’s inherited is.  Cincinnati, Boise State and TCU, you’ll have to be quiet.  The Chief is talking.

I know this is not completely popular, but I believe in it.  I believe it is in the best interest of the universities.

I’m not going to tell you again, Cincinnati, Boise State and TCU.  Hancock might as well have said ‘I know this system is terrible, but screw you, everyone, I don’t really care.’  It’s essentially the same message.

He went on to make the tired argument that “college football has never been better” so why change things?  Good point.  Afghanistan has also never been better, so clearly it’s beyond fault and now one of the elite, most advanced countries in the world.  Yep, there’s not a damn thing I would want to change about Afghanistan now that it’s better than the steaming shit-pile that it was recently.

Why is it that idiots with flawed products tend to adopt the ‘if it ain’t broke don’t fix it’ policy while people with outstanding products adopt a ‘how much can we screw with a good thing before we break it’ policy?  For example, the BCS is better than a system where you can end up with more than one champion, so it must be the perfect system.  Meanwhile, the NCAA men’s basketball tournament is widely regarded as the greatest event in U.S. sports, so naturally the powers that be are seriously considering butchering it beyond all recognition and adding somewhere along the lines of every team that has played basketball anywhere ever. [Ed. Note: The previous statement may contain some hyperbole.]

Furthermore, why haven’t I been asked to take over as the decision maker on all of this as clearly I have the best ideas?  adjusts bowtie.  notices hole in boxers.

Back to Hancock:

The fact is what we have right now works.  Who would you ask not to be a part of this?

To which everyone within earshot replied, ‘What?’  I know there’s a sic that belongs in there somewhere, but I’m not quite sure where.  If only I could watermark the entire statement with a giant sic and be done with it.

The Chief’s nonsensical statement aside, how exactly is a system where at least one team gets screwed every year in everyone’s best interest?  The only teams happy about the BCS every year are the two that play for the national title.  And that’s not even the case this season as Colt McCoy refused to back off of his indictment of the system now that his team is in the big game, after being snubbed last season.  Kudos to you, Colt, but clearly you don’t have what it takes to win a title.  Anyone who sticks to their beliefs and morals doesn’t deserve to be associated with the BCS.  Now, Nick Saban on the other hand…there’s a BCS champion.

Tags: Alabama, BCS, Bill Hancock, Colt McCoy, douchebaggery, football, NCAA, Nick Saban, Texas

Breaking Colt McCoy’s Leg No Longer Viable Option

She's insured in case of jersey chasers

News broke this weekend that several marquee college football players have taken out large insurance policiesto protect them in case of a career-ending injury.  This seems to have befuddled most of the insiders involved with the NCAA as they have known about the practice for years, but one ESPN blogger just published a story about it, so here we are.  Colt McCoy will get paid between $3 and $5 million if his an injury jeopardizes his pro career.  Sam Bradford and Tim Tebow reportedly have similar policies.  Meanwhile, Graham Harrell is wondering why he didn’t throw himself down a flight of stairs when he had the chance. 

The elite QBs in the nation aren’t the only ones who would do well to cover themselves with insurance, however.  There must be dozens of players and coaches who should think about taking out a new policy for that worst case scenario.  Here are a few of them:

Tyrod Taylor- It appears the Virginia Tech signal caller has taken over the starting job for good, but let’s all keep in mind what it means to be a Hokie QB.  Mr. Taylor may want to safeguard against any incidents involving a gun in a McDonald’s parking lot or any illegal activity with dogs, or animals of any kind to be safe.  That kind of stupidity may be limited to the Vick family, but if I were Tyrod, I wouldn’t be taking any chances.

Charlie Weis- Though he might want to avoide any insurer who requires a physical before granting a life insurance policy, Notre Dame’s coach should probably look into providing for his family after his demise.  Should he fail to make a BCS game this season, Touchdown Jesus and his crew will take swift and fatal action.

Any Florida State player- The Seminoles should be desperately searching for a policy that will cover them in case of ludicrous arrest.  The premium may be insanely high considering the chances the insurance company will have to pay out are better than the chances that Bobby Bowden craps his pants in the next 6 months (and that’s nearly a lock).  But, it would be worth it.   

Arrelious Benn- Illinois’ talented receiver has but one problem, he plays for Illinois.  His policy should cover the likely scenario of him dropping in next year’s NFL Draft due to lack of exposure and poor QB play in Champagne.  Maybe his policy could pay him a couple million dollars and another superfluous consonant for his name. 

Eric Berry- Some people are pegging Tennessee’s safety as a dark horse for the Heisman Trophy (I know, just try to stifle your laughter).  His problem is similar to Benn’s, but instead of a sub-par team around him (he has that, it’s just not his main concern), Berry has to deal with a wild-eyed young coach named Lane Kiffin.  If Eric hasn’t already taken out a policy covering him in case he’s sent on a suicide bombing mission to Florida’s sideline, he’s crazier than his head coach. 

Every NCAA Player with NFL aspirations- Whether it’s a first round lock or a second day guy, there’s an insurance policy that every NCAA football player should look into before leaving school.  I would urge them to secure some coverage in case they are drafted by the Raiders.  Darren McFadden, JaMarcus Russell and Darrius Heyward-Bey are kicking themselves right now for forgetting to take that precaution.  It’s a complicated policy because the loss of income isn’t apparent right away, but the inevitable loss of production and work ethic leads to a decrease in market value.  NCAA schools might want to look into the opposite policy, which is insurance in case of hiring a former Raiders employee.  Nebraska would be in a much better way right now if they’d gone that route and the Vols may soon be wishing they had too.

Tags: Arrelious Benn, Charlie Weis, Colt McCoy, Eric Berry, Florida State, football, NCAA, Sam Bradford, Tim Tebow, Tyrod Taylor

Colt McCoy is The Deer Hunter

Texas quarterback Colt McCoy got overlooked a lot this season.  Graham Harrell stole his thunder when the Longhorns fell to Texas Tech on the final play, and Sam Bradford of Oklahoma stole his Heisman.  But this deer, well no longer will Colt have to suffer this deer’s insolence. 

Reportedly, the deer was running a blog called “The Real McCoy” where he published embarrassing stories and pictures from the UT star’s youth.  The final straw was when a picture of his first time on a big boy potty showed up on the website.  That’s when it was time for some vigilante justice.  McCoy put in a call to Chuck Norris, but the Texas Ranger was busy campaigning for McCain (everyone was afraid to tell him), so Colt picked up his rifle and remarked “This ends now!” 

Witnesses say the deer was shopping for groceries, frustrating other customers by checking out in the express lane with well over 10 items, when the QB found him.  “The buck stops here” yelled McCoy, and after firing, reloading, firing again, reloading again, and firing once more, the mighty deer blogger fell. 

“Let’s see Sam Bradford do this!” Colt exclaimed as he loaded the carcass into his pick-up, unaware that at that very moment, the Heisman winner was breaking the neck of the world’s richest, most powerful bear.

Tags: Colt McCoy, football, Graham Harrell, Heisman, NCAA, Oklahoma, Sam Bradford, Texas, Texas Tech

Bootlegger Sports Heisman Preview

The 2008 Heisman Trophy will awarded Saturday night and we here at Bootlegger Sports want you to be fully prepared for the drawn-out, totally meaningless ceremony.  So, here’s what we know.

There are three finalists:

Florida Quarterback, Prophet, and Dreamboat Tim Tebow

Oklahoma Quarterback and human-rat hybrid Sam Bradford

Texas Quarterback and short-bus rider Colt McCoy

Heisman Voters Don’t Like to Make History:  Tebow won the award last season and Archie Griffin of Ohio State is the only player to win two trophies, so Timmy won’t be walking away with another award this season.  It’s just fine to be the first to do something, like being the first black president, then all of America (except the South) applauds you.  But God forbid you break someone’s record, then none of America (except the South) roots for you. 

Heisman Voters Have Short Memories: Colt McCoy had an amazing stretch of games early in the Big 12 season, but that might as well have been in the 80’s because no one remembers it.  His time in the national spotlight ended when Michael Crabtree “seen it in my mind.”  Have his numbers gotten worse?  No, but he’s faded into obscurity like the rest of his learning disabled class.

Heisman Voters Don’t Learn From Their Mistakes: Jason White, Andre Ware and Ty Detmer… do these names sound familiar?  Unless you’ve been buying insurance or used cars lately probably not.  Sure, Ware is an analyst for ESPN, but he’s terrible so let’s move on.  The point is, all three won Heismans because they were a cog for unstoppable throw it first offenses.  None won anything big on the field or went on to success in the NFL.  Not that you have to turn into a great pro to be deserving of the Heisman, but I’d prefer the best player get the award, not some interchangeable spare part.  Colt McCoy and Tim Tebow will have similar numbers whether they play for OU, UT, or UF, but Sam Bradford’s numbers will only go down.  This should go into consideration, but Heisman voters obviously aren’t concerned with logical arguments.  The rat-man is your Heisman winner… I mean really, did Splinter from the Ninja Turtles have a kid?

Tags: Colt McCoy, Florida, football, Heisman, NCAA, Oklahoma, Sam Bradford, Texas, Tim Tebow