Your Obligatory Gus Johnson News Report

About eight months ago, the team behind EA Sports NCAA March Madness 2010 game decided they should let Gus Johnson be their lead announcer.  The end result?  That game became the highest grossing product in the history of the world…or something.  What, you can’t use Google?  Figure out how that decision turned out for yourself.  I mean, you obviously came here to waste your time…now I’m giving you an errand to waste more.  Mission accomplished.

I bring this up only because the announcing team on the 2010 version of Madden football was horrible.  Tom Hammond and Cris Collinsworth were given the job of narrating your team’s exploits.  The end result?  The game became the top selling sleep-aide in the world.  That one is backed by facts.  Seriously, look it up.

EA Sports has decided that having that one guy who calls Notre Dame football and the Olympics call the pre-eminent football video game might not be the best choice.  So they stepped their game up and decided to get Gus Johnson.  Let it be known that if your problem ever includes the phrase ‘too boring’, adding in Gus Johnson solves it immediately.

These reports on our financial situation are too boring, Jenkins.

adds picture of Gus Johnson

These reports are fantastic, Jenkins.

I don’t know, Mr. King, this new novel is just too boring.

adds scene with Gus Johnson

Congratulations on another best seller, Stephen.

Sorry baby, but you’re just too boring in bed…

Well, you get the idea.

Cris Collinsworth will still serve as the games color commentator, which might actually be OK when his hum-drum style is spiced up with Johnson.  Wait, did I mean that to be a homosexual innuendo?  I don’t even know anymore.  Readers choice.

So here’s hoping that monopolizing the video game commentary is just Gus’s first step in conquering the sports commentary world.  You watch your ass, Jim Nantz.

Tags: Cris Collinsworth, football, Gus Johnson, John Madden, NFL

Well, Now What?

Now how will we know who's looking out his ear hole?

In a surprising move, John Madden has retired from broadcasting.  Citing a need to spend more time with his family, the former Coach is hanging up his headphones and presumably his tough actin’ Tinactin, his Awesome Blossom and any other endorsement deals he has. 

Madden has been a staple of NFL football for decades and while it is sad to see him go, the real tragedy here is that he left us with no suitable replacement.  NBC plans to put Cris Collinsworth in Big John’s seat.  While they’ll almost definitely save on the catering budget, the game won’t be nearly as enjoyable.  Collinsworth may be knowledgeable , but he lacks the charm and charisma that made America forgive Madden his faults.  

NBC surely realizes that they don’t have to please anyone with their announcer choices.  The only time anyone chooses a game based on the announcing crew is when they have a choice between multiple broadcasts.  Sunday Night Football is a football monopoly.  What are you going to do, not watch?  Spend time with your kids?  Listen to your wife tell you how her day went?  Eat vegetables?  Plant a garden?  Go dancing?  Take up sewing?  Other activities society has deemed effeminate? 

No, you’ll be there to see any 2 NFL teams battle it out even if the announcers are Mickey Rooney and Fran Drescher. 

Someday, another John Madden might step into the booth but the sad truth is that it’s not likely.  Madden is by no means a perfect announcer, technically.  He’s not overly descriptive or clear with his words, but damn it he sounds like football. 

With Cris Collinsworth in the booth, football games will take on a different sound: the sound of silence.

Tags: Cris Collinsworth, football, John Madden, NBC, NFL