Pepe the Warlock Means Business

Obviously, this isn't after someone asked: 'how do you feel about warlocks?'

Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo played his first game with Spanish club Real Madrid about a month ago and has already netted 6 goals.  The La Liga power signed the Portuguese sensation for 29-million pounds per year, which basically means they over-paid regardless of how many goals he scores.  And now there’s a warlock in the mix, so that can only be bad…right?  I’ll be honest with you, I don’t really know how to feel about warlocks.

And this warlock’s name is Pepe.  I figure that means he’s either a friendly warlock or he’s brutally cruel and evil to make up for his ridiculous name.  Despite my constant reminders, people still seem to underestimate the effects a name has on it’s owner.  Like, if you name a kid Sawyer, he’s either going to be a total pussy or he’s going to be expelled from his private school for selling hard-line drugs.

Pepe the Warlock, or is it Warlock Pepe, like I said I don’t have much expertise in this area, has written a letter to Real’s president informing him that Ronaldo has had a curse placed on him.

I have been contracted so Cristiano Ronaldo suffers a serious injury. I can’t promise when that will be, but I can say he will be injured for more time than he plays.

What kind of self-respecting warlock writes letters?  Is it too much to ask that Pepe appear in a cloud of smoke and deliver the message in person?  Maybe that’s too extravagant…damned economy.  I hope the note was at least delivered by an owl or some kind of flying monkey thing.

Now no one everyone is wondering who might have payed the fearsome Pepe to put a hex on Ronaldo.  Pepe says it was someone who is “famous and knows the player.”  That doesn’t particularly narrow it down considering Ronaldo travels in packs of famous people.  Oh, Pepe, you are as cunning as you are diabolical.

Since this is clearly a realistic threat and in no way the ravings of a mad lunatic, we as a society need to decide what is to be done about our growing warlock problem.  Hmm, that kind of sounds like the start to one of those pharmaceutical drug commercials.  ’Nine out of ten males over the age of 25 have a growing warlock problem.  But now, there’s help: Sorcerzox.  Get back to your life without the constant fear of warlock attacks.’  Anyway, I don’t have any real suggestions because I live in constant fear of warlocks.  I’m pretty sure this is why we have elected officials, though.

Ed. Note: I can’t tell you how many times I typed ‘warlcok’ in this story.  I just thought you should know.

Tags: Cristiano Ronaldo, Real Madrid, soccer

Ronaldo’s A Big Earner

Go ahead and laugh at him, but no one is paying $100-mil for you

The soccer world, which is to say the entire world except for the United States, is buzzing today with news that English club Manchester United has accepted a record transfer offer for reigning World Player of the Year, Cristiano Ronaldo.  Spanish club Real Madrid paid $131-million for the right to negotiate a contract with the 24-year-old superstar.  That’s right, the transfer fee is a pay-off for Man U to release him.  Real Madrid still has to sign him and give him a salary.  Paying that much money for a 24-year-old is insane.  But, I guess Ronaldo doesn’t have two kids and isn’t addicted to meth.  Plus, he probably does the really dirty stuff. 

Can you imagine if professional sports in America operated this way?  If teams had to pay more money to owners than to the players themselves, small market teams would just be investment firms.  Buy low, sell high and if you win a few games, so be it.  On the other hand, the Expos likely would have been rich enough to stay in Canada and Barry Sanders might have escaped Detroit.   

Ronaldo was under contract with Manchester until 2012, but has been pushing for a move to Spain off and on for a year.  He joins Brazilian superstar, former highest paid player in the world and 2nd grade punchline, Kaka (Ed. Note: still funny) at Real Madrid.  AC Milan agreed to let Kaka go earlier this week.  I agreed to let Kaka go earlier this morning.  I told you it was still funny.

With the recent moves, Spanish La Liga now features, arguably, three of the best 5 players in the world, as Ronaldo and Kaka join Lionel Messi of Barcelona.  Imagine if the Barca star joined Real Madrid.  The Messi-Kaka combination would be quite formidable.  OK, it may be getting a little less funny. 

Madrid entered the off-season as soccer richest club based on revenue, earning more than $512-million.  Obviously, they’ve quickly made their money work for them, shelling out $223-million for two players.  If Ronaldo lives up to his name, it might all be worth it for a club that failed to win a single trophy this past season.  Real Madrid also needs Kaka to not live up to his name.  It’s funny again.

UPDATE: It turns out the loose association I played with the headline and first graf comparing Ronaldo to a whore was not far off.  He occasionally dresses like a man-whore and certainly fraternizes with notorious whores like Paris Hilton.  Real Madrid might be in crisis mode right now.   At the very least, they’ve probably called in an army of physicians to find out which STDs affect soccer ability and which do not.  I’m imagining they’ve put together a nice power point presentation with an outline of Paris Hilton and every disease it’s assumed she carries.  One by one, a disease is highlighted and either flies to the left under a banner that reads “OK For Soccer” or to the right where, instead of a banner, there’s just a picture of Tom Hanks from “Philadelphia”.  That would be an exciting presentation.

Incidentally, that banner picture is likely the way Ronaldo looked when he sobered up this morning and found himself under Paris Hilton.

Tags: Cristiano Ronaldo, Kaka, Lionel Messi, Manchester United, Real Madrid, soccer

Ronaldo, Over the Limit, Nobody Cares

Drunk? This guy? Never.

Manchester United Striker is getting a lot of press today and amazingly it’s not because he’s prancing around some beach with a supermodel.  What?  Right, it’s also not because of something he did on the soccer field… but you already knew that, haha!  Ronaldo is making headlines because he totaled his Ferrari (now how will he get to practice?) in a tunnel at the Manchester airport.  The cause of the accident?  Police are unsure so you can assume drunk. 

Authorities are saying that inquiries are continuing on an accident that involved no other cars or hazardous road conditions.  I assume that’s British for “We’re trying to figure out how to close the case and keep Ronaldo on the field, out of jail.”  He had just gotten off a chartered plane and was being followed by a teammate.  Sounds like a perfect recipe for drunk driving.  You don’t deserve to fly on a private jet if you don’t get tanked while doing so, and “I’ll follow you to make sure you get home alright” sounds exactly like drunk reasoning.  What are you going to do, ram the cop car that tries to pull me over?

This story is being reported by The Sun and marks the first time I realized they actually wrote articles.  Check it out here for sweet mangled steel, but boobless, action.  Also note the related story on the right.  Apparently, Ronaldo nearly crashed his Audi about a year ago and again may have been drunk.  I think the Brits know for sure, but the article only contains about two sentences that make sense to me.

Tags: Cristiano Ronaldo, drunk, EPL, Manchester United, The Sun