Tap Dancing Around David Wright

Until he starts wearing sleeves, David deserves the conspiracy theories and media circus

Last season, there was some ugliness surrounding a certain blog (not this one) and a certain Philadelphia Phillie named Raul Ibanez.  The blog made allegations about the player that were unfounded but not a huge leap and the player somehow found out about it and got pissed.  A huge spike in traffic and an appearance on ESPN’s Outside the Lines later, everything went back to normal and Ibanez fell off his early-season torrid pace.

I bring this up simply because baseball is getting back into the news and…holy hell have you seen the man purporting to be David Wright lately?

Senior writer for baseballprospectus.com, Will Carroll, had this to say on his Twitter account.

So Gagne regrets…something and Wright shows up ‘noticeably’ more muscular.  In other words, nothings changed in baseball.

That’s right, nothing has changed at all.  Players who are coming off disappointing seasons and perhaps have their best days behind them dedicate themselves to getting better, faster and stronger in the off-season through perfectly legal and grueling workouts.  I’m almost positive that’s what Carroll is driving at.

I mean, what else could you possibly think when a baseball player shows up to spring camp bulging with muscles you don’t remember him possessing?  Ohhhhh…he’s going to slay so much vagina this year.

Wright managed a paltry 10 home runs in 2009, which is the lowest output of his career including his 69-game total in 2004, his rookie year.  He’s also playing his home games in Citi Field, which is clearly not a hitter’s park despite the fact that I personally witnessed Ryan Howard leave it twice in the same game.  He gets to tee off of Mets pitching…Wright does not.  Naturally, David would want to pack on some biceps and be able to do things at 27 that he couldn’t do at 23.  I’m failing to see what the problem is.  Ohhhh…his tailor is going to be pissed that he has to re-do all of his measurements.

In all seriousness, David Wright isn’t the first player to show up and blow people away with a new body.  Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens…these are some of the biggest names the sport has ever known.  Why wouldn’t Wright want to be mentioned in the same breath as these guys?  Ohhh…they are all kind of douchey.

Well, I guess we’ll all have to continue to speculate on what exactly is wrong with David Wright bulking up from just over 200-pounds at the end of last season to what looks like a solid 240 before this season.  I mean, unless some gutsy sports writer out there would like to clue us all in…any takers?

Ed. Note: The ‘tags’ section is feeling quite bold.

Tags: baseball, David Wright, douchebaggery, New York Mets, steroids

New Batting Helmet Won’t Protect Stupid People

Minor League Baseball has once again taken action to protect its members from serious head injuries.  Two seasons after base coaches became required to wear helmets after minor league coach Mike Coolbaugh was struck and killed by a line drive, players will be required to wear more protective batting helmets starting next year.  The decision may or may not have been made after Minor League officials watched Bull Durham again and noticed how erratic Nuke LaLoosh was in the minors.  (Ed. Note: It was not, but it would have been cool)

The new Rawlings S100 is said to be able to withstand a 100-mph pitch and I was initially under the impression that it cost $100.  That would have led me to say, ‘hey, naming your product after its price is a great idea.  I can’t wait for the new Lexus RX-Youcan’taffordit comes out.’  Unfortunately, I just misread S100 for $100 and I have no idea how much the helmet cost.  Hey, wait a second, the Internet probably knows.  Hang on…little more…wait for it…what do you know, Rawlings is retailing the helmet for $99.99!  You know, I could go back and delete all the superfluous information considering I’m not typing this live and just give you the joke I initially thought was appropriate, but I feel like we’ve bonded through this little journey.  Well, not yet considering as I’m writing this you haven’t read it yet.  You know, I had my doubts about this post when I started, but this is shaping up to be the best post ever.  I’d better put on my tuxedo now so I’ll be prepared when the Pulitzer people call.

On a related note, that’s related to the original topic of this article, which just to refresh your memory is the new batting helmet that will be used in the minor leagues next year, MLB players have publicly stated that the helmet is too bulky and uncomfortable.  I applaud their honesty.  No one has ever accused baseball players of being overly intelligent and they’re clearly not pretending to be something they’re not when they tell people that their comfort is more important than preserving their mental capacity.  I don’t know exactly what that line of thinking says for Adrian Beltre’s refusal to wear a cup.

David Wright, who was recently struck in the head by a pitch and sent to the DL with a concussion, is not one who is opting for comfort.  Perhaps the ball he was beaned with knocked some sense into him because he says he will try out the S100 when he returns to action.  If only every player would take a fastball off the coconut…you first, Chipper.

As for the minor league players, they aren’t required by rule to wear the helmets until the 2010 season, but each team will be sent six S100s to try out for the remaining games of this season.  Why only six?  Well, I can only speculate, but I assume its to make the manager’s job easier.  Now, instead of those gut-wrenching closed door meetings at the end of the year when players are told they won’t be invited back to the team, managers can just not give new batting helmets to the inconsequential players.  If you didn’t get a helmet, it means the club doesn’t care if you suffer brain damage from getting hit by a ball, which probably also means you won’t be playing for them next season.

Ed. Note: Are you as disappointed as I am after that video?  Not only was there not a demonstration of someone getting hit in the head by a 100-mph pitch, but there wasn’t even an actual homerun monkey.

Tags: baseball, David Wright, minor league, MLB

With All Due Respect, The Mets Suck

'Jerry, who do you blame for the Mets struggles?'

Last season, outfielder Ryan Church batted .276 in 90 games for the Mets, which is on par with his lifetime average.  But, being a Metropolitan, Church slumped badly in September managing only a .209 average.  He hit only .250 in 9 games in August after returning from his second stint on the DL due to concussions.  I only bring this up because shipped to Atlanta after 67 games this season, Mets 3B David Wright is now struggling with a concussion and NY manager Jerry Manuel thinks Church is a gaping vag…but he means no disrespect.

After Wright was beaned by Giants pitcher Matt Cain last weekend, Manuel claimed his star wouldn’t have the same lingering effects as Church did because Wright is “a different animal” than Church.  The now-Brave responded by saying “F*ck that guy”.  Not publicly of course, but he was at least thinking it.

Church says he risked his career by playing last season and had to suffer through dizzy spells and nausea brought on by post-concussion syndrome.  He also says he’s hurt that Manuel would disrespect that sacrifices he made for the team last season.  Manuel says he didn’t mean his comments to be shot towards Church, but then, Manuel is an idiot…but I don’t mean that to be insulting.

New York has flat-out collapsed late in the season for 2 years straight and this year they’re not even in the hunt for a playoff spot.  That’s despite having a bloated pay-roll and some of the best players in baseball, who admittedly have suffered through injuries this year.  Still, it’s hard not to blame the manager.  Especially when he’ll readily throw a guy under the bus who sacrificed his health for the team.  Jerry Manuel, what a douchebag…there’s no ill intent there.

Church says he contacted Wright after he heard about his former teammates concussion to tell him not to rush back.  Church says he told Wright, “don’t be a hero.”  That’s obviously advice that Mets players took to heart long ago…I mean no disrespect.

Tags: David Wright, Jerry Manuel, New York Mets, Ryan Church

Erin Andrews is A Tease

You may or may not have heard about an Erin Andrews/David Wright sex tape that’s being shopped to some major porn producers.  If you haven’t, get with the program, don’t you do a google search for Erin Andrews every 20 minutes just to make sure she hasn’t decided to get married to the next sports fan that asks her or pose for Playboy?  Right… me neither.

Anyway, some of the most recognizable bloggers on the internet (thanks for the slap in the face hoaxsters) were sent a fake press release detailing the tape’s existence and that it would be made available to the public shortly.  The plan hit a snag when they were asked to play the tape for one producer and put in a video of a barbie “humping” a Starting Line-Up figure of Mike Schmidt.  Apparently, the Phillies uniform clued in the porn magnate. 

That bit’s not really important because I, and probably the rest of the male hetero-world, have long since moved past facts and have instead delved into the nether-regions of imagination land.  Where Erin Andrews’ sex tape plays 24/7, on demand and stars no MLB players, only Maxim Hot 100 ladies and ourselves.

Tags: David Wright, Erin Andrews, ESPN, Mike Schmidt