Rod Smith: A Bandwagon of One

The Denver Broncos are 5-0.  Wait a second, let me double check that.  Hmm, story checks out.  Wait, maybe I should check one more source.  Well, what do you know?  I didn’t see that coming because, you know, the Broncos should be terrible.  Did you know Kyle Orton is their quarterback?  Even Kyle Orton is shocked that Kyle Orton’s team is undefeated.

One person that isn’t shocked is former Bronco Rod Smith.  He predicted Denver to win their first 5 games before the season even started.  Did I mention that he played his entire career for the Broncos?  Because I feel like that’s an important factor in this incredible foresight.

See, sometimes there’s a reason, or many reasons, why everyone in the entire world is predicting something to happen.  Like, if everyone is expecting the moon to stay in orbit, but one crazy guy, who is a giant moon homer, says he expects the moon to crash into the Earth tomorrow and he turns out to be right, is it because he really knows what he’s talking about or because he’s the only one crazy enough, with the right loyalties, to predict such a ridiculous thing.

Rod Smith basically predicted the moon would crash into the Earth, which is actually more likely than the Broncos being undefeated at this point in the season.  But let’s not get too carried away heaping praise on the guy.  I mean, are we amazed every time Notre Dame wins because Lou Holtz predicted it?  Or every time South Carolina wins because Lou Holtz predicted it?  No, it’s a homer pick.

This video, by the way, is kind of stupid, but I enjoy almost anything that points out when John Clayton and Mark Schlereth are wrong.  So enjoy because we only get this opportunity every time those two are on television.

Bootlegged from Awful Announcing

Tags: Denver Broncos, football, Kyle Orton, NFL, Rod Smith

Good Morning, Gus Johnson

By now you’ve almost certainly seen Brandon Stokley hilariously break the hearts of the Bengals with this tip-drill TD catch.  As this was happening, I was struggling to stay awake as the Kansas City-Baltimore game wound down…and I didn’t wake up until well after noon yesterday.  I guess I’ll never understand why Gus Johnson isn’t the number one voice for CBS football and basketball and isn’t broadcast to most of the country.  Well, I kind of understand if it’s the same reason Jay Leno is ‘America’s most popular TV host’.  That being that old people no longer can recognize what is good and what is bland and terrible.  If you’re over 55, first off, kudos for being able to find this site, but second, don’t voice your opinions anymore.  Your time has past.  When I’m as old as you, I would gladly pass my decision making abilities on to the younger generation except that clearly I’ll be awesome and youthful forever.  Now I’m off to chug an energy drink and download the latest underground indie rock album that you’ll never hear because your corporate radio is too commercial.

Bootlegged from Awful Announcing

Tags: Brandon Stokley, CBS, Denver Broncos, football, Gus Johnson, NFL

Brandon Marshall Distrusts Broncos

Oh my god, he got a ball to me!

The AP has a story out saying that Brandon Marshall is having some trust issues regarding the Denver Broncos.  They seem to think these stem from the team’s handling of his misdemeanor and subsequent acquittal, but I disagree.

The real trust issues here are far deeper.  Bootlegger Sports has decided that in actuality, he doesn’t trust Kyle Orton to get him anything like a catchable ball during a game.  Even conceding that he may accidentally place one in his vicinity, Marshall is beyond skeptical that this extremely rare occurrence will happen with any regularity. 

Seeing as how everyone in the NFL except Lovey Smith knew Kyle Orton plays quarterback about as well as he grows beards, Marshall is forced to believe that his terrible luck is anything but coincidental.  The Denver front office knew damn well what they were doing when they traded away Type One for Throatie, namely, planting a Brutus-esq dagger squarely between that 1 and 5, just under the name Marshall. 

His season has been sabatoged, and it didn’t even take a self-pittying ego-maniacal douchebag like him to figure it all out.  It just happened to work out that way.

Tags: Brandon Marshall, Denver Broncos, football, Kyle Orton, NFL

Jay Cutler Thinks He’s Better Than Mannings

This image bootlegged from the future

Maybe he didn’t actually come out and say he was better than Eli and Peyton, but Jay Cutler has absolutely implied it.  By refusing to be in commercials, do extensive interviews, and generally keeping his fat face off Chicago TV screens and magazines, Cutler is saying that you can’t completely focus on football if you’re too busy being a prima donna.

“With all the excitement that’s happened so far, there have been a lot of endorsement opportunities.  But I’ve kind of steered clear of those because I haven’t even stepped on the field yet.  I’m trying to take care of that before I step into that realm.”

See?  It isn’t that he couldn’t be doing commercials right now or anything like that.  There are a lot of places that would love a dorky, fat, diabetic white guy badly reading their pitches and messing up lines in their commercials.  Just like I could absolutely be getting dates right now if I wanted to.  I turn them down even.  I just need to focus on this blog… and my… ..my… um … my porn collection?  Hobbies!

So here’s a couple things you won’t see the vaunted Bears quarterback doing for quite some time.  By choice.  I’m sure Peyton was the backup for these spots, after Mastercard begged and pleaded with Mr. Personality.  I didn’t know that the pancreas produced insulin and a sense of humor.  All I know is that Cutler’s is broken.

Tags: Chicago Bears, Denver Broncos, Eli Manning, football, Jay Cutler, NFL, Peyton Manning

More NFL Rules Changes! Wheeew!

Ed Hochuli likes to make dinosaur sounds for the players

NFL Owners have been getting together a lot lately to change a bunch of rules.  Because why not, right? You can’t cheat on your old, bitch-of-a-wife with that sexy Latino secretary with the big boobs that you payed for as a Christmas present to yourself on your 60-foot yacht while smoking Cuban cigars and donating money to the GOP all the time.  Sometimes you’ve just got to buckle down and tamper with football, by-god.

They’re calling this one the “Hochuli Rule,” after NFL official Ed “Look at how big my arms are” Hochuli.  Poor Ed, who’s biceps are so big they’ve inspired their own blog, fucked up a big call in the Denver vs. San Diego game last year when he ruled that Jay Cutler didn’t suck threw an incomplete pass when in fact he had sucked fumbled.  Because he ruled it incomplete, it was non-reviewable, Denver retained possession, scored on the drive, made the two-point conversion, and won the game.

So now any similar play is reviewable.  Nevermind that they ignored the fact that referees blow their whistles when they rule the ball dead, and players are instructed to stop pursuing the ball when they hear the whistle.  That’s no big deal.  I’m sure a replay-reversed dead-ball touchdown will go over just fine with football fans.

I was going to post video of the really bad call, but while looking for it I found out that Biceps-Eddy is also an attorney, and what with certain things being in my trunk and certain growing operations going on in my shed I think I’ll lay off Mr. Hochuli.  Sir.

Tags: Denver Broncos, football, Jay Cutler, NFL, San Diego Chargers