Inspired By The Uninspiring

This swimmer is always interesting

Being that it’s Friday and the Lord madeth this day for slacking off and ducking out early, I figured I’d slack off and duck out early.  I had been thinking about writing something on Jeffri Chadiha’s article on ESPN that touched on the NFL’s car service that apparently none of the players trust enough to use.  That’s right, any NFL player can call a car service in any major city at any time to avoid, oh I don’t know, driving while under the influence of alcohol and striking and killing a pedestrian.  Players are worried that teams will keep track of how many times they use the service and be penalized for it when it comes time to sign a new deal.  And, when they put it that way, it’s easy to see why they’d rather risk jail time and killing a person than possibly lose some money, maybe.  Because they’re smart.  You didn’t think the NFL was full of over-privileged, mindless wrecking balls, did you?  Well, if you’d like to read a full article that’s essentially summarized in the previous three sentences, you can do that at Yahoo’s Shutdown Corner. 

As for me, my plans to write that article were derailed when I perused the AP wire.  Good God, there’s a bunch of stories that I, and I would guess most of America, could care less about.  Such as:

Michael Phelps is swimming in Montreal this weekend.  Two things I’d rather not talk about, swimmers outside of the Olympics… make that male swimmers, and French-Canadians. 

Swimming’s governing body is preparing a list of acceptable suits.  Let me now add swimsuits to that list of things I’d rather not talk about… male’s swimsuits. 

Mike Weir is off to a good start at the U.S. Open.  Damn it, Canada.  I actually like the U.S. Open, but I don’t need to know about it until Saturday afternoon at the earliest. 

Caribbean Games canceled due to Swine Flu.  Really?  Still with the Swine Flu?  Well, I guess the Caribbeans will have to forget the competitions and just relax in their island paradise.  Why is there something called the Caribbean Games again?

The Detroit Tigers recalled a Triple-A catcher.  Most Tigers fans would respond with a semi-interested ‘huh’.  His parents responded with ‘do you get free tickets or a raise?’

Marcos Baghdatis is out of Wimbledon with an injury.  Rafael Nadal is a top 2 player and pulled the same stunt.  What makes this guy think he deserves any coverage?  Hacky tennis columnists are likely bummed that they can’t make a ‘Baghdatis Bombed’ headline.

Yao knows nothing of a possible trade to Cleveland.  I’m sure the best way to win a Pulitzer is to start with unfounded rumors and then get their target to give you absolutely no insight or opinion on them.

WNBA player Seimone Augustus is out for the season.  Now they’re just making stuff up.  First, it’s not even basketball season and second, the WNBA had to fold like three years ago, right?

Tags: Detroit Tigers, Golf, MLB, NBA, NFL, olympics, tennis, Yao Ming

Tigers’ Announcer Learns Dangers Of Exercise

That smile could use a cigar

Detroit Tigers’ radio broadcaster Dan Dickerson was forced to abandon the team in Kansas City after he ruptured a tendon in his quadriceps while jogging.  Dickerson likely isn’t the first commentator to miss a game because of injury, but he may well be the first to miss a game due to exercise. 

What happened to the golden era of broadcasters who crafted their voice from cigar smoke and liquor?  How many runs do you think Harry Karay went on before a ballgame?  I’d guess zero but it’s possible he was forced to sprint to the booth after losing track of time in a nearby bar.  Did Johnny Most feel the need to exercise?  Maybe, but it was out of the question after he spent years ensuring that his lungs were capable of only two things, smoking stogies and calling Celtics basketball. 

After looking Dickerson up on YouTube, I can say that he’s not a bad announcer.  He’s not spectacular or even memorable, but he calls the game well and seems genuinely invested.  Those are not the ingredients for a broadcasting legend, however.  People want to hear someone they can connect with.  Someone who shares the same vices they enjoy and is familiar with the areas they haunt.  Dickerson may be a good announcer, but he won’t be remembered fondly like Ernie Harwell.  People who exercise and stay in shape are rarely remembered well.  Think about it, would rather be remembered like John Belushi or Richard Simmons?

I’ve never heard Dan Dickerson call a game live, but I am familiar with another broadcaster who seems to take care of himself far too well.  Dan, please understand that rupturing a tendon is definately not the worst outcome from jogging.  We don’t need another Joe Buck.

Tags: baseball, Dan Dickerson, Detroit Tigers, MLB

I Hate April Fool’s Day

No midgets or redneck pimps? This rumor can't be true

Ever since Sports Illustrated introduced the world to Sidd Finch, every jackass in America thinks it’s hilarious to start a fake news story on April Fool’s Day.  This only means that every piece of news you hear or read about today has to come with a dash of skepticism.  Of course, I think that’s always the case when reading news involving Kid Rock that doesn’t include him being arrested. 

The piece of trash, shit-slinging hack (I’m president of his fan club) is rumored to have purchased the naming rights to the Detroit Tigers’ home stadium today.  The previously named Comerica Park, he says, will now be known as Kid Rock Field. 

Other sites have already picked up on his press release and are reporting this news as fact, but I’m going to call bull shit on this one.  Actually, I’m praying it isn’t true because even hearing this asshole’s name makes me want to vomit, so any Tigers’ broadcast and even Baseball Tonight would be unwatchable.  Can’t say I’d miss Tigers’ games that much, but still. 

Comerica paid $66-million in 1998 for naming rights to the Detroit stadium over 30 years.  So they’re bailing out after only ten seasons without even a press release?  But let’s forget the facts for a while. 

Kid Rock is too stupid to avoid Hepatitis, how the hell is he going to put together a deal to put his name on a stadium.  Oh, and he also negotiated to have his own line of beer sold exclusively at White Trash Inbred Stadium.  That makes sense because Kid Rock is synonymous with refreshing, high quality, non-diseased substances. 

Hey Kid, if you want to pull an April Fool’s joke, how about faking your own death?  At least you’d bring a little joy to the world. 

Editor’s Note: We realize this post is more hateful than usual.  But because Kid Rock is such a giant douche, we stand behind the views of this writer.  If offended, Mr. Rock himself, or any of his fans should email us telling us when they learned to read.

Tags: baseball, Comerica Park, Detroit Tigers, douchebaggery, Kid Rock, MLB

It’s Not Baseball Season Yet Dammit

Slow down buddy, there's alot of boring stories left to be told

On a sunny, summer day in mid-July, it’s a nice change of pace to grab a couple of beers and relax in your air-conditioned house while a slow paced baseball game plays out on your TV.  But here we are in mid-February, my air conditioner might have been abducted by aliens for all I know and the last thing I want to hear about is baseball.  Apparently, the mainstream media disagrees with me about what I want to hear about. 

This isn’t baseball season.  You know how I know?  Because papers across the country are running stories like this:

Alfonso Soriano might not hit lead-off for the Cubs this year.  I might not watch my dog lick itself for 20 minutes and wonder why God didn’t give me that ability.  Which of these stories was a bigger waste of your time?

Astros’ pitcher Mike Hampton has a “glitch” in his EKG.  This explains alot… which part of your heart do you use to throw a curve ball?  Even the Astros call this detail “minor”.  If this is the best MLB.com can do, imagine what reporters with less access are coming up with.

The Tigers’ have two new catchers.  Jesus Christ, the most interesting part of this story is that one of them is Misty May’s husband.  This story should be called, don’t draft a Tigers’ catcher in fantasy baseball.

Joe Mauer is recovering from surgery.  So, this is an update of a story you did after he had surgery two months ago that said he would be recovering for the next three months.  In other news, Ted Williams continues to recover from death.

Jason Bay showed up.  That’s it…I’m off to burn my baseball glove.  Come and get me when the Cubs are officially eliminated.

Tags: Alfonso Soriano, baseball, Chicago Cubs, Detroit Tigers, Houston Astros, Jason Bay, Joe Mauer, Mike Hampton, Misty May, MLB