NBA Free Agency Begins, PTA Disbands

The day that we’ve all been waiting for, especially if your name is Dwyane, LeBron or Bosh, is finally here.  The NBA Free Agent signing period officially began at midnight Eastern time and it’s been sheer madness ever since.  We’re talking true chaos, pure insanity, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!

So now that the signing period has been open for like 14 hours, we should know where LeBron James has signed and how the balance of power has shifted, right?  Hahaha…dumbass.

Technically, players can’t sign a new contract until the 8th, so as of now, they’re just talking.  They’re just talking, people.  Let ‘em work it out.

Here’s what we know:

Darko Milicic has signed to play in Minnesota.  Anytime you have a chance to sign a former number 2 pick who has a ring for $20-mil over 4 years, you have to do it.  I mean, Darko averages nearly 6 whole points per game.  He’ll be the face of the franchise.  He puts butts in the seats.  This is just another shrewd move by a stellar front office.

The Bucks locked up Drew Gooden. I like the core in Milwaukee.  I like what Drew Gooden brings to a team, which essentially amounts to rebounding and an almost unparalleled level of eccentricity.  However, Drew will be 34 or so when this contract expires.  Thankfully for Milwaukee, Drew will be on his fourth team since signing the deal by then.

Rudy Gay got overpaid by a lot.  That’s not surprising.  But Memphis turned out to be the ones shelling out for him.  That is a bit surprising.  $80-million is officially the most money paid to a Gay since…something something Elton John.

Seven assumed different teams are courting Raymond Felton. It’s either because they are in love with him or because they think he can be their starting point guard.  Honestly, both are equally ridiculous.  Meanwhile, somewhere D.J. Augustin is chuckling maniacally.

Amare Stoudemire seems to have dropped the superfluous apostrophe for now and looks like a “long shot to return to Phoenix”.  I mean, not like he’ll be banished from the city.  He just won’t play for the Suns anymore.  Maybe he’ll be banished from the city.  Pat Riley met with Amare already to discuss the possibility of him playing in Miami.  I assume he made his pitch with a muttered aside of, ‘unless we get LeBron, Wade and Bosh.’

Speaking of D-Wade, he took the opportunity to meet with his hometown team, the Bulls.  People in Chicago were really excited to hear that until they remembered that he already plays for the team but under the name ‘Derrick Rose.’  He may not quite be on the level of Wade yet, but at least he spells his name correctly.

Finally, the big prize…LeBron James.  He jerked around the Nets this morning.  Some may wonder why he wasted his time there.  They obviously didn’t know about his friendly wager with the other free agents.  First one that laughs at Mikhail Prokhorov’s accent has to play for the Clippers.

LeBron also met with the Knicks.  You hear that, New Yorkers?  There’s still hope, which means there’s still time before your attempted suicide.  No need to say good-bye to the loved ones though.  Considering you cheer for the Knicks though, you’ll inevitably fail.

So that’s what we know today.  Just imagine what we’ll know tomorrow.  SPOILER ALERT: Nothing good.

Tags: Amare Stoudemire, basketball, Chris Bosh, Darko Milicic, Drew Gooden, Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, NBA, Raymond Felton, Rudy Gay

USA Today Grasps English Too Well

Dwayne Wade, not pictured, has a sensible name.

Presumably, you must have mastered the English language in print and the art of phonetics in order to work for USA Today.  I’m assuming that’s the case because when I interviewed there, they told me that I would need to add those tools to my resume.  They also told me I’d need pants.  Screw those conformists and their conventionalism.

Sometimes, it turns out that that book-knowledge and mastery of language isn’t helpful at all.  We call those cases: ‘Spelling Athletes Names’.  For example, Dwyane Wade.

The USA Today headline that accompanied a story about the NBA All-Star game read: “Dwayne Wade leads East over West in All-Star game.”  In a perfect world, there’d be nothing wrong with that headline, but in a perfect world people don’t spell their names like idiots with no regard for actual rules of language.  Also, in a perfect world, sitting outside Megan Fox’s window in my ‘USA Today interview’ attire is far from a crime.  As the LAPD have informed me, we do not live in this utopia.

In this reality, a name pronounced (Duh-Wane) can be spelled Dwyane, D’Wayne, Dwyann or X’dfjaudsf.  That last one was just me mashing the keyboard with my palm but did it really make any less sense than the others?

For a site like this one, typos and spelling errors and acceptable and, in fact, are encouraged.  I mean, we don’t want people to think we’re trying too hard, otherwise they might catch on to our questionable credentials and skill.  USA Today doesn’t seem to mind that they are borderline unqualified and unskilled, however.  They try like crazy, which makes their blunder on Dwyane Wade unacceptable.  Unacceptable like someone spending three-hundred words on a typo, you might say.  But, in my defense, I really just wanted to revisit how ridiculous Dwyane Wade’s name is.  Did you know his middle name is Tyrone?  Not ‘Tryone’, but Tyrone.  God…I haven’t this put off by a name since Big Booty Sluts 4.  They were pretty big booties…I guess.

Tags: All-Star, basketball, Dwyane Wade, NBA, USA Today

NBA Bottom 5

With college basketball nearing an end, the NBA regular season is winding down as well.  The playoffs will be starting any day now.  Wait, they’re about a month away?  Still?  Dear God.

5. NBA Rule Change- NBA owners approved ammending a rule prohibiting teams from playing with 6 players.  Now, teams with too many men on the court will be given a technical foul, but the opposing team will be given the option to allow or disallow any action that happened with the 6th man on the floor.  So, that’s settled.  And only decades after the NBA began.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t playing with 5 players the most fundamental rule in basketball?  Next you’ll tell me that players can travel and still score baskets.   

4. Bar Mitzvahs- Cavs Owner Dan Gilbert got into a scuffle with a former associate at one held in the Detroit area.  There should be more fights at Bar Mitzvahs.  What better way to turn a boy into a man?  I mean, besides the obvious that sets you back at least $50.  The worst part about the story is that Dwyane Wade and other members of the Heat stopped by to watch T.I. perform.  OK, it was a stellar Bar Mitzvah and T.I. is going to prison, so you’d better see him while you can, but really?  NBA players can’t find something better to do than attend a Bar Mitzvah?

3. Al Jefferson- Big Al ruined many a fantasy team by quitting early this season.  He claims to have a painful injury, pussy.  Now, he’s bragging about his giant hands.  We get it, Al.  You’re a freak.  You don’t need a Web site to make us all feel inferior.  Why don’t you just put up a site where we can compare our junk?  Oh, that’s pretty much what you did isn’t it?  Damn you Al.

2. Twitter- Charlie Villanueva Twittered at halftime of a game.  Now, seemingly once a day, somebody reports a story involving the NBA and Twitter.  Jerry Sloan strikes a blow for old people everywhere by claiming ignorance.  Guess what?  Nobody cares.  It’s great that the mainstream media is so far removed from what their target audience is actually interested in that they latch on to anything they hear is popular.  Can I get a report on what NBA stars think of the Jonas Brothers and vice-versa? 

1. NCAA Tournament- This one is pretty obvious.  College hoops and the NBA compete for fans more or less all season, but they’re never pitted head-to-head like they are during March Madness.  Now, it’s blatantly apparent how little NBA players care and how much pride the college teams display.  The college game is 8-game-minutes shorter, but after watching 4 days of the NCAA tournament, NBA games start to seem to last hours.  But, by mid-April, when the college boys have gone back to their dorms, basketball fans will be so starved for hoops that the NBA playoffs will seem like a God-send.

Tags: Al Jefferson, basketball, Bottom 5, Charlie Villanueva, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dan Gilbert, Dwyane Wade, Jerry Sloan, Miami Heat, NBA, NCAA Tournament

Athletes Be Sinning

Fathers lock up your daughter... seriously

We like to keep the mood at Bootlegger Sports light, so keeping the hardcore stories about crime, sex and death to a minimum is a must.  Unless they involve Joe Buck, Tim Tebow or Brett Favre.  But there are two stories floating around that can’t be ignored, so let’s turn on the ugliness by playing a special edition of The Dating Game.

Our first bachelor is Miami Heat all-star, millionaire and dyslexia enthusiast Dwyane Wade.  In his spare time, Dwyane enjoys buying his mother churches, divorcing his wife and holding weed fueled orgies at other people’s houses.  Desperate chick, say hello to Dwyane.

DC: Hi Dwyane, if you were coaching my basketball team, what position would I play?

DW: BJ queen, most people don’t realize it, but it’s a fundamental spot on any successful franchise.

DC: Wow, ok, what would we do on our first date?

DW: I’m Dwyane Wade, I don’t date, but I would convince you I’m a really good person, then I’d invite you to an associate’s house and let my childhood friends have their way with you.  Sorry, but you aren’t on D-Wade’s level. 

Now let’s meet bachelor number 2, he’s a former All-Star shortstop and an apparent opponent of safe sex, say hello to Roberto Alomar.  This legend of the diamond spends now spends his time practicing his spitting accuracy, tag teaming girls with his brother and being sued for giving women AIDS.  Desperate chick, say hi to Robby.

DC: Hi Robby, did I just hear you have AIDS?

RA: No baby, I’m Puerto Rican.

DC: Huh?  Well, if I was a sick child, how many home runs would you hit for me?

RA: How many does it take to cure AIDS?  3?

That’s all the time we have, thank God.  Be sure to join us next time when more athletes prove to be terrible, terrible people.

Tags: Dwyane Wade, MLB, NBA, Roberto Alomar

Cardinals’ Fans Motivate Losers

These guys are "persons of interest" in the case

 Donovan McNabb maintains a house in Arizona that was vandalized last week before his Eagles met up with the Arizona Cardinals.  Questions abound about why this is just coming out now.  Mainstream media is lazy and ineffective, some would say.  Not me though.  They should continue to set the bar impossibly low so those wonderful Internet types can start getting better access. 

Anyway, two Cardinal fans have been charged because a box they left on the lawn had the address of one of the men on it.  So immediately you can figure that we aren’t dealing with a couple of criminal masterminds.  Any Steelers with homes in Arizona probably don’t have to worry about these two diabolical geniuses burning your lawn.  Oh did I forget to mention that.  Yeah, they set Donovan’s lawn on fire.  It must have slipped my mind because I can’t imagine why it would be a big deal for 2 white men in the southern half of the United States to set a black man’s lawn on fire.  I’m living in Obama’s America, baby.  I don’t see color anymore.  I just see hope and change.

If you followed the link, you know that McNabb planned to use this incident as motivation to beat the Cardinals.  Well, I guess next time you should probably be motivated by something a little more stirring than an insurance claim filed to repair your grass.  Maybe you should have pretended the arsonists endangered your daughters’ lives. 

Speaking of which, who knew Donovan had three daughters?  Or a wife?  Why is it that his mom is the only family that’s ever shown in the stands or interviewed?  I mean, I know she rocketed to stardom after those Campbell’s Soup commercials, but I didn’t know her shadowed extended over the entire family. 

After some research, I found out Donovan married his high school sweetheart so maybe he keeps her hidden so she can’t build up any credibility.  He probably sees what’s happening to Dwyane Wade and chuckles to himself.  “Not me” he might say as his wife struggles to free herself from the house arrest bracelet.

Tags: Arizona Cardinals, Barack Obama, Donovan McNabb, Dwyane Wade, football, NFL, Philadelphia Eagles, Pittsburgh Steelers