USA Today Grasps English Too Well

Dwayne Wade, not pictured, has a sensible name.

Presumably, you must have mastered the English language in print and the art of phonetics in order to work for USA Today.  I’m assuming that’s the case because when I interviewed there, they told me that I would need to add those tools to my resume.  They also told me I’d need pants.  Screw those conformists and their conventionalism.

Sometimes, it turns out that that book-knowledge and mastery of language isn’t helpful at all.  We call those cases: ‘Spelling Athletes Names’.  For example, Dwyane Wade.

The USA Today headline that accompanied a story about the NBA All-Star game read: “Dwayne Wade leads East over West in All-Star game.”  In a perfect world, there’d be nothing wrong with that headline, but in a perfect world people don’t spell their names like idiots with no regard for actual rules of language.  Also, in a perfect world, sitting outside Megan Fox’s window in my ‘USA Today interview’ attire is far from a crime.  As the LAPD have informed me, we do not live in this utopia.

In this reality, a name pronounced (Duh-Wane) can be spelled Dwyane, D’Wayne, Dwyann or X’dfjaudsf.  That last one was just me mashing the keyboard with my palm but did it really make any less sense than the others?

For a site like this one, typos and spelling errors and acceptable and, in fact, are encouraged.  I mean, we don’t want people to think we’re trying too hard, otherwise they might catch on to our questionable credentials and skill.  USA Today doesn’t seem to mind that they are borderline unqualified and unskilled, however.  They try like crazy, which makes their blunder on Dwyane Wade unacceptable.  Unacceptable like someone spending three-hundred words on a typo, you might say.  But, in my defense, I really just wanted to revisit how ridiculous Dwyane Wade’s name is.  Did you know his middle name is Tyrone?  Not ‘Tryone’, but Tyrone.  God…I haven’t this put off by a name since Big Booty Sluts 4.  They were pretty big booties…I guess.

Tags: All-Star, basketball, Dwyane Wade, NBA, USA Today

NBA Bottom 5

With college basketball nearing an end, the NBA regular season is winding down as well.  The playoffs will be starting any day now.  Wait, they’re about a month away?  Still?  Dear God.

5. NBA Rule Change- NBA owners approved ammending a rule prohibiting teams from playing with 6 players.  Now, teams with too many men on the court will be given a technical foul, but the opposing team will be given the option to allow or disallow any action that happened with the 6th man on the floor.  So, that’s settled.  And only decades after the NBA began.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t playing with 5 players the most fundamental rule in basketball?  Next you’ll tell me that players can travel and still score baskets.   

4. Bar Mitzvahs- Cavs Owner Dan Gilbert got into a scuffle with a former associate at one held in the Detroit area.  There should be more fights at Bar Mitzvahs.  What better way to turn a boy into a man?  I mean, besides the obvious that sets you back at least $50.  The worst part about the story is that Dwyane Wade and other members of the Heat stopped by to watch T.I. perform.  OK, it was a stellar Bar Mitzvah and T.I. is going to prison, so you’d better see him while you can, but really?  NBA players can’t find something better to do than attend a Bar Mitzvah?

3. Al Jefferson- Big Al ruined many a fantasy team by quitting early this season.  He claims to have a painful injury, pussy.  Now, he’s bragging about his giant hands.  We get it, Al.  You’re a freak.  You don’t need a Web site to make us all feel inferior.  Why don’t you just put up a site where we can compare our junk?  Oh, that’s pretty much what you did isn’t it?  Damn you Al.

2. Twitter- Charlie Villanueva Twittered at halftime of a game.  Now, seemingly once a day, somebody reports a story involving the NBA and Twitter.  Jerry Sloan strikes a blow for old people everywhere by claiming ignorance.  Guess what?  Nobody cares.  It’s great that the mainstream media is so far removed from what their target audience is actually interested in that they latch on to anything they hear is popular.  Can I get a report on what NBA stars think of the Jonas Brothers and vice-versa? 

1. NCAA Tournament- This one is pretty obvious.  College hoops and the NBA compete for fans more or less all season, but they’re never pitted head-to-head like they are during March Madness.  Now, it’s blatantly apparent how little NBA players care and how much pride the college teams display.  The college game is 8-game-minutes shorter, but after watching 4 days of the NCAA tournament, NBA games start to seem to last hours.  But, by mid-April, when the college boys have gone back to their dorms, basketball fans will be so starved for hoops that the NBA playoffs will seem like a God-send.

Tags: Al Jefferson, basketball, Bottom 5, Charlie Villanueva, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dan Gilbert, Dwyane Wade, Jerry Sloan, Miami Heat, NBA, NCAA Tournament

Athletes Be Sinning

Fathers lock up your daughter... seriously

We like to keep the mood at Bootlegger Sports light, so keeping the hardcore stories about crime, sex and death to a minimum is a must.  Unless they involve Joe Buck, Tim Tebow or Brett Favre.  But there are two stories floating around that can’t be ignored, so let’s turn on the ugliness by playing a special edition of The Dating Game.

Our first bachelor is Miami Heat all-star, millionaire and dyslexia enthusiast Dwyane Wade.  In his spare time, Dwyane enjoys buying his mother churches, divorcing his wife and holding weed fueled orgies at other people’s houses.  Desperate chick, say hello to Dwyane.

DC: Hi Dwyane, if you were coaching my basketball team, what position would I play?

DW: BJ queen, most people don’t realize it, but it’s a fundamental spot on any successful franchise.

DC: Wow, ok, what would we do on our first date?

DW: I’m Dwyane Wade, I don’t date, but I would convince you I’m a really good person, then I’d invite you to an associate’s house and let my childhood friends have their way with you.  Sorry, but you aren’t on D-Wade’s level. 

Now let’s meet bachelor number 2, he’s a former All-Star shortstop and an apparent opponent of safe sex, say hello to Roberto Alomar.  This legend of the diamond spends now spends his time practicing his spitting accuracy, tag teaming girls with his brother and being sued for giving women AIDS.  Desperate chick, say hi to Robby.

DC: Hi Robby, did I just hear you have AIDS?

RA: No baby, I’m Puerto Rican.

DC: Huh?  Well, if I was a sick child, how many home runs would you hit for me?

RA: How many does it take to cure AIDS?  3?

That’s all the time we have, thank God.  Be sure to join us next time when more athletes prove to be terrible, terrible people.

Tags: Dwyane Wade, MLB, NBA, Roberto Alomar

Cardinals’ Fans Motivate Losers

These guys are "persons of interest" in the case

 Donovan McNabb maintains a house in Arizona that was vandalized last week before his Eagles met up with the Arizona Cardinals.  Questions abound about why this is just coming out now.  Mainstream media is lazy and ineffective, some would say.  Not me though.  They should continue to set the bar impossibly low so those wonderful Internet types can start getting better access. 

Anyway, two Cardinal fans have been charged because a box they left on the lawn had the address of one of the men on it.  So immediately you can figure that we aren’t dealing with a couple of criminal masterminds.  Any Steelers with homes in Arizona probably don’t have to worry about these two diabolical geniuses burning your lawn.  Oh did I forget to mention that.  Yeah, they set Donovan’s lawn on fire.  It must have slipped my mind because I can’t imagine why it would be a big deal for 2 white men in the southern half of the United States to set a black man’s lawn on fire.  I’m living in Obama’s America, baby.  I don’t see color anymore.  I just see hope and change.

If you followed the link, you know that McNabb planned to use this incident as motivation to beat the Cardinals.  Well, I guess next time you should probably be motivated by something a little more stirring than an insurance claim filed to repair your grass.  Maybe you should have pretended the arsonists endangered your daughters’ lives. 

Speaking of which, who knew Donovan had three daughters?  Or a wife?  Why is it that his mom is the only family that’s ever shown in the stands or interviewed?  I mean, I know she rocketed to stardom after those Campbell’s Soup commercials, but I didn’t know her shadowed extended over the entire family. 

After some research, I found out Donovan married his high school sweetheart so maybe he keeps her hidden so she can’t build up any credibility.  He probably sees what’s happening to Dwyane Wade and chuckles to himself.  “Not me” he might say as his wife struggles to free herself from the house arrest bracelet.

Tags: Arizona Cardinals, Barack Obama, Donovan McNabb, Dwyane Wade, football, NFL, Philadelphia Eagles, Pittsburgh Steelers

Herpes = $$$ :-(

How Much Will This POA End Up Costing Dwyane? Stay Tuned.

Dwyane Wade’s soon-to-be very rich ex-wife, Siovaughn, has not only filed for divorce from D-Wade, but also publicly accused the former “Father of the Year” of having multiple affairs, giving her an STD, and ignoring their two kids to the point that the baby doesn’t even recognize him.  

As if this wasn’t enough, she’s also demanding the names of all the beef curtains he’s parted in the last six years.  Now if even half the things she’s saying are true, then she can expect a pretty big chunk of the $14,410,581 he pulls in every year (Not counting what Gatorade and Converse pay him), but this woman needs to be reasonable here.  You think he can name even half of the trim he’s had?  In 2009 alone?  

If so then she’s obviously out of her Goddamn mind, so I’m gonna side with Flash on this one.  I mean look at the names of her kids:  Zaire and Zion.  No wonder daddy wasn’t coming home.  Those would be obnoxious names for cats, much less kids.  He probably couldn’t stand hearing her say those names over and over again with a baby voice.  Or the fact that she only has one vagina.

Besides, I think I’ve got Wade an alibi.  On a recent trip to Vegas a friend of mine thought he saw Dwyane in The Wynn.  Maybe he did, or maybe he’s a racist and it was actually Avery Johnson, but that’s not the point.  I bet Dwyane got Herpes from that same toilet seat that gave them to me.  See where I’m going with this D?  You scratch my itch I’ll scratch yours.

Editors Note:  Spelling Dwayne “Dwyane” is really fucking obnoxious.  And I can’t even pronounce Siovaughn.  That sounds like some kind of cheese I wouldn’t order at some sort of restaurant I can’t afford to eat at. 

Tags: Avery Johnson, basketball, Dwyane Wade, Las Vegas, Miami Heat, NBA