Michael Irvin Needs to Learn a Lesson

Hey Serena, you wanna hit up an ATM and not get robbed?

Former Dallas Cowboys’ receiver Michael Irvin was almost carjacked Monday but once again my schemes were foiled escaped when the gunman recognized him.  The Dallas Morning News broke the story and would like to thank God for the Cowboys and their tabloid-esque antics.

It seems Irvin was stopped at a traffic light, saw a truck come screaming up beside him and then watched as a man rolled down the window and pointed a gun at Irvin.  The man then said “Oh, Michael Irvin, we’re big Cowboys fans” and left.  So essentially, this is just another example of spoiled athletes doing and getting whatever they want.

If that hadn’t been a former athlete in that car, the DMN headline this morning would read “Some Schlub Shot in Carjacking” at best, and “No Cowboys Injured in Incident” at worst. 

Irvin most likely feels entitled to not being shot, but for the rest of us, living in Dallas means at least getting shot at a couple of times.  Eventually, Mike is going to learn that being a famous athlete doesn’t give you license to run amok.  This time, he just escaped a possible shooting and grand theft auto, next time who knows?  He could escape a bank robbery unharmed or meet Eddy Curry in a dark alley and not get sexually harassed.  I hate to tell you this Michael, but that’s not how life works for the rest of us.

Tags: Dallas Cowboys, Eddy Curry, Michael Irvin

Eddy Curry Has Some Growing Up To Do

Mind if we dance with your dates...ladies?

The New York Knicks and sexual harrassment suits go together like MTV and idiots, like the Irish and alcoholism and like Marissa Miller and I, but Eddy Curry went and threw his own spin on it… his own gay spin. 

The New York Post is reporting that Curry’s chauffeur is accusing him of soliciting gay sex from him among an array of other sexual harassment charges.  The thing about the charges is that they don’t really seem like something a gay man would do, but rather something an ignorant, spoiled superstar would do to make himself laugh.  It’s like making a guy suck you off in an alley then calling him a fag.  Wait, what?  Well maybe, uh, this story is making me uncomfortable. 

Read the NYP story by following the link because I don’t want to talk about all the stuff Curry did to this guy.  Like jerking off into towels and making him clean them up and… DAMN IT, look what you made me do. 

I’m pleased to add to this story that Curry is also accused of repeatedly slinging ethnic slurs at the Jewish limo driver.  That part will most likely get lost because it’s not really as sensational as the rest of the story and not anything you can’t hear on South Park.  But, it’s worth mentioning because, you know, Eddy Curry is a real class act. 

I think the real point of the story is how much this driver put up with before he finally went to authorities.  I mean damn.  If it were you, wouldn’t you quit after your employer showed you his junk the first time?  Or maybe you’d persevere and quit after he continuously talked about having gay sex with you.  Or maybe you’d make it until he made you pick up his cum rag.  Whatever your limit is, I’m guessing it’s way before this guy’s. 

This would be the part of the story when I make a joke about the Jews work ethic or love of money… but then I’d be no better than Eddy Curry.  So make your own joke and if Eddy offers you a job, try to decide how much your dignity is worth.  I landed on 100 bucks an hour and I’ll see you at 10 Mr. Curry.

UPDATE: Apparently, Curry is denying the charges against him.  Shocking.  The driver accusing him, it turns out,is an ex-con.  So it’s possible that all the shit he had to endure in prison he has now attributed to Curry to make a quick buck.  Or maybe Curry hired him because he figured he could get away with pretty much anything because even an NBA player is more reliable than an ex-con.

Tags: Eddy Curry, Marisa Miller, NBA, New York Knicks, sexual harassment, sexual harrassment