Your Obligatory Gus Johnson News Report

About eight months ago, the team behind EA Sports NCAA March Madness 2010 game decided they should let Gus Johnson be their lead announcer.  The end result?  That game became the highest grossing product in the history of the world…or something.  What, you can’t use Google?  Figure out how that decision turned out for yourself.  I mean, you obviously came here to waste your time…now I’m giving you an errand to waste more.  Mission accomplished.

I bring this up only because the announcing team on the 2010 version of Madden football was horrible.  Tom Hammond and Cris Collinsworth were given the job of narrating your team’s exploits.  The end result?  The game became the top selling sleep-aide in the world.  That one is backed by facts.  Seriously, look it up.

EA Sports has decided that having that one guy who calls Notre Dame football and the Olympics call the pre-eminent football video game might not be the best choice.  So they stepped their game up and decided to get Gus Johnson.  Let it be known that if your problem ever includes the phrase ‘too boring’, adding in Gus Johnson solves it immediately.

These reports on our financial situation are too boring, Jenkins.

adds picture of Gus Johnson

These reports are fantastic, Jenkins.

I don’t know, Mr. King, this new novel is just too boring.

adds scene with Gus Johnson

Congratulations on another best seller, Stephen.

Sorry baby, but you’re just too boring in bed…

Well, you get the idea.

Cris Collinsworth will still serve as the games color commentator, which might actually be OK when his hum-drum style is spiced up with Johnson.  Wait, did I mean that to be a homosexual innuendo?  I don’t even know anymore.  Readers choice.

So here’s hoping that monopolizing the video game commentary is just Gus’s first step in conquering the sports commentary world.  You watch your ass, Jim Nantz.

Tags: Cris Collinsworth, football, Gus Johnson, John Madden, NFL

Talk Like Gus Johnson Day! BAM!HAHA!PURE!

Usually I wouldn’t help some random douche spread word about his lame event that he posted on Facebook, but when said event is ‘National Talk Like Gus Johnson Day’, well, let’s just say “RISE AND FIRE!!!”  For future reference, if you are attempting to emulate Gus Johnson in print, it takes all caps and at least three exclamation points.  Otherwise, you may as well be quoting Jim Nantz.

The video above is an old favorite to get you into the mood.  I’d also like to direct you to Deadspin’s highlight reel from Gus’s stellar performance in this year’s tournament, which has tragically come to an end.  I know the Final Four is this weekend, but if Gus’s tournament is over, and the team you are rooting for is out, then I guess it’s officially baseball season.

I also present to you this video, created by Punte at WithLeather.  If you’ve ever wanted to see a dog defiling a stuffed animal as announced by our man Gus…sorry, I should’ve said if you’ve ever stopped wanting to see a dog defiling a stuffed animal as announced by Gus, then get the hell out and kill yourself.  Otherwise, set your minds to blown.

Finally, we have Gus giving his commentary on the classic YouTube video, ‘David After Dentist.’  At this point, Obama is seriously wondering why his cabinet didn’t suggest letting Gus pitch the Healthcare Reform Bill.  Clearly, there’s nothing the man can’t do.

By now, you should be well prepared to let loose with the Gus-isms.  Remember, when in doubt, say something really loud and enthusiastically.  FRIED MUSHROOMS AND APPLESAUCE!!!  HAHA, STRAIGHT TO THE SOUTHSIDE!!!

Tags: basketball, Gus Johnson, March Madness, NCAA

Something is Wrong With The Titans

The NFL franchise in Tennessee has been anything but the Titans of their industry this season.  See what I did there?  Their name is the Titans, but they lose all the time.  Almost non-stop.  Up until yesterday’s game against Jacksonville, I could have just said they lose non-stop, but they had to go and ruin that by stomping the Jaguars 30-13.

That entire game was essentially a contest between Chris Johnson and Jacksonville running back Maurice Jones-Drew to see who could make CBS commentator Gus Johnson explode from excitement first.  As you can see from the included video, it appears Johnson won that contest too.

You may have noticed Johnson using the following line to describe Johnson, “he’s got gettin’ away from the cops speed.”  If you’ve been a frequent or even occasional visitor to this site, you also may have noticed that I am OK with anything Gus Johnson does.  So he compared Johnson running for the end zone to a fugitive running from the authorities, isn’t that a colorful and descriptive way to describe the action?  I believe that’s his job.

And don’t even think about turning this into a racist statement.  Oh, what if Jim Nantz had said this, he would be in so much trouble.  Maybe, but we don’t have to worry about this because Jim Nantz doesn’t have a sense of humor…or a personality.

Plus, does anyone remember former Virginia football player Marquis Weeks, who described a 100-yard kick-off return as “kind of like running from the cops”?

Look, CBS sticks Gus with the worst game of the week, nearly every week.  They give him a tiny viewing audience and two terrible teams, at least let him be himself.  It’s not like anyone was watching Tennessee vs. Jacksonville anyway.

Gus Johnson’s comments may have opened the public’s eyes to a growing problem within the Titans’ organization, however.  No one would have suspected anything if his ‘gettin’ away from the cops’ line had stood by itself, but then came this line from the AP story on the game:

Vince Young felt good but nervous before his first start this season for the Tennessee Titans. He wound up celebrating with his offensive coordinator and getting high [end of line]             grades from the team owner who wanted him back on the job.

That’s an odd phrasing, don’t you think?  It’s almost like the media wants us to know something about the Titans but they’re unable to report it officially.  I think they are trying to tell us that the Titans aren’t exactly law abiding, even when compared to their NFL brethren.  And as you know, as a general rule, NFL players follow the law like English as a Second Language students follow The Great Gatsby.

Video bootlegged from Awful Announcing

Tags: CBS, Chris Johnson, Gus Johnson, Jacksonville Jaguars, Maurice Jones-Drew, Tennessee Titans, Vince Young

The Line For NCAA Basketball 2010 Starts Here

I’ve never actually owned any of EA Sports’ NCAA Basketball titles, but I did once play one of the games like it was my job for 3 straight days.  Seriously, like it was my job.  From 9 AM to 5 PM, with a half hour lunch break while other people worked at their own jobs around me.  Needless to say, it may have been the happiest time of my life.

I’ve heard plenty of negatives about the game though, which sucks because March Madness is about the greatest thing ever, so you’d think a game where you get to play March Madness would be impossible to screw up.  Evidently, that’s not the case.  This year’s edition might be pretty amazing however because of 4 words: Gus.  Johnson.  Bill.  Raftery.

That’s right, the greatest announcing pairing possible will announce every game you want them to, unlike in real life when CBS tries to keep them far away from each other as if they were the Rings of Power from Lord of the Rings.  What?  Where’s the nerd?

The one problem you might notice in the video I’ve included is that Gus seems to be having a difficult time harnessing the emotion and energy he’s famous for while recording lines for the game.  I’m concerned that he won’t have any moments of pure elation while he screams gibberish.  But, on the other hand, if it’s in the game, it’s in the game.  So I’m assuming EA will figure out a way.  I’m also assuming that players get suspended for drug use and DUIs, Jayhawks constantly fight other Jayhawks and every time John Calipari tries to play the game, his team is immediately put under investigation by the NCAA.

EA also got ahold of CBS’ graphics to make the game that much more realistic.  So, essentially, everything is perfect for this game.  Oh, except the gameplay, that might suck pretty hard.  I really couldn’t tell you about that.  Hmm, I guess that’s probably pretty important too, huh?  Well, go ahead and drop that $60 and find out for yourself.  You say you don’t have $60 to spend on a game that might be terrible?  I apologize, sometimes I forget that not everyone makes a sweet blogger’s salary like myself.

Bootlegged from Awful Announcing

Tags: basketball, Bill Raftery, EA Sports, Gus Johnson, NCAA

Good Morning, Gus Johnson

By now you’ve almost certainly seen Brandon Stokley hilariously break the hearts of the Bengals with this tip-drill TD catch.  As this was happening, I was struggling to stay awake as the Kansas City-Baltimore game wound down…and I didn’t wake up until well after noon yesterday.  I guess I’ll never understand why Gus Johnson isn’t the number one voice for CBS football and basketball and isn’t broadcast to most of the country.  Well, I kind of understand if it’s the same reason Jay Leno is ‘America’s most popular TV host’.  That being that old people no longer can recognize what is good and what is bland and terrible.  If you’re over 55, first off, kudos for being able to find this site, but second, don’t voice your opinions anymore.  Your time has past.  When I’m as old as you, I would gladly pass my decision making abilities on to the younger generation except that clearly I’ll be awesome and youthful forever.  Now I’m off to chug an energy drink and download the latest underground indie rock album that you’ll never hear because your corporate radio is too commercial.

Bootlegged from Awful Announcing

Tags: Brandon Stokley, CBS, Denver Broncos, football, Gus Johnson, NFL