Hasheem Thabeet is A Big Success

His draft bio read: Strengths- shot blocking, wearing funny hats. Weakness: everything else

Here’s a story I meant to write about last week but never had time.  I mean, I had some free time, but mailing those letters to Marisa Miller and ordering my sex pillow from Japan took longer than I had anticipated.

Naysayers might argue that I should let this story slip through the cracks and instead concentrate on more timely happenings.  But, for your information, the NFL Combine continues today and the Winter Olympics had their closing ceremonies last night.   What I’m saying is that I know without looking that today’s news is complete shite.  Oh hey, Ochocinco is going to be on Dancing With the Stars, let’s all give each other the Dutch Rudder to celebrate!  But I digress…

When Hasheem Thabeet was drafted into the NBA with the second overall pick in last year’s draft, you had to think ‘this guy has all the makings to be the next Darko.’  I mean, at best he could play like Dikembe Mutombo’s corpse and the league does desperately need a giant African guy to pick up where Mutombo’s last impossible to understand soundbite left off.  Here’s a side note, Thabeet is from Dar es Salaam, Tanzania.  That sounds like the name of a place in Africa that someone who is kind of racist and ignorant would make up as a typical place in Africa.  Here, I’ll use it in a sentence: ‘All you people should go back to uh, you know, Dar es Salaam, uh, Tanzania.’

Anyway, my initial point was that Thabeet is terrible.  He’s unskilled, raw and can really only block shots.  So, the Memphis Grizzlies decided to celebrate the 1-year anniversary of picking Thabeet a few months early by sending the big fellow down to the D-League.  He is officially the highest pick to ever be demoted to the NBDL…look at that, he made the history books after all!

The reason this story is so interesting to me is that I recently attended my first D-League game.  It may have been the appeal of professional basketball and the affordable tickets or it may have been the fact that it was cheap beer night.  The point is I went and remember most of it.

My impression was that the D-League is a terrible, terrible place.  Everyone is out for themselves and not ashamed to openly show that to their teammates, coaches and fans.  Also, the players are ruining the youth of America because upon leaving the arena, everyone truly believes that they could play at least that well.  I heard a fat little white kid telling his parents that he was going to play basketball professionally one day and his parents couldn’t say anything because the short, Jewish Dad was busy trying to finagle himself a try-out.

Thabeet has played only one game so far in the NBDL, but the praise is already being heaped on him.  The Fort Wayne New Sentinel began their article about his D-League debut by saying “Hasheem Thabeet looked like a lottery pick again.”  I assume they meant that he was wearing the same suit he wore when he was drafted and was shaking David Stern’s hand because otherwise when was the other time he’s looked like a lottery pick?   Thabeet did put up 19 points and 16 boards while blocking 6 shots.

Ron Howard of the opposing Fort Wayne Mad Ants gushed about the big man after the game and when Ron Howard speaks, you listen.

I don’t care what you say, you’re going to think about him.  You’re always conscious of where he is and things like that.

That must mean a lot to Hasheem considering it’s coming from THE  A Ron Howard.

If you’re wondering how the defense is in the NBDL…

The job of defending Thabeet fell primarily to Mad Ants centers Jared Reiner and Sean Sonderleiter. They had varying degrees of success dealing with him.

Jared Reiner and Sean Sonderleiter are also known as the two tallest guys in the crowd that night so maybe Thabeet’s 19 points wasn’t such an eye opening performance.  Still, they had “varying degrees of success.”  Considering he was 8 of 10 from the field, I guess the varying part refers to them going from being completely useless to being mostly terrible.

Could Thabeet be a valuable role player in the NBA someday despite this lay-over in basketball purgatory?  Absolutely…I mean, Mark Madsen made a career in basketball somehow.  The real point, however, is that you need to go to NBDL games.  The beer is cheap, the basketball is sloppy, the crowds are non-existent and the cheerleaders are strippers…seriously.  Plus, you’re always one injury away from getting tossed into the game.

Tags: basketball, Hasheem Thabeet, Memphis Grizzlies, NBA, NBDL

Draft Lotto Not Quite As Rigged This Year?

The Clippers are this far away from being respectable, as for the Kings...

The NBA  Draft Lottery took place last night in scenic Secaucus, New Jersey, famous for being the dumping ground for Penn Station debris and for, uh, holding the NBA Draft lottery.  The results would immediately suggest that this year’s lottery results weren’t quite as rigged as years past.  But a closer look may reveal a different story. 

The Oklahoma City Thunder started all the conspiracy talk.  Oklahoma product and native Blake Griffin is almost a sure-thing for the number-1 selection, so wouldn’t it make sense to ensure he goes to his hometown team?  Particularly when they are brand new to the city and need to establish a fan base?  Actually, the Thunder averaged nearly 98-percent of capacity at home and averaged the 11th biggest attendance in the league for home games.  They don’t need the help, let them fall for the Hasheem Thabeet trap. 

Guess who does need a boost in attendance revenue?  The Clippers, who finished 22nd in average home attendance this season while their roommates, the Lakers, finished 8th.  What if the NBA were to grant you the number 1 pick in a draft where there’s only 1 or maybe 2 can’t miss players?  Is that something you might be interested in?  Enough to buy a Griffin #23 Clippers jersey?  OK, fine, I got carried away, but you’ll still buy tickets sometimes right? 

Memphis picking second doesn’t seem to have any real significance, except as a punishment for the Sacramento Kings.  Memphis has surpassed the Clippers in being the team synonymous with crapulence.  If you’re talking about the NBA and you need an example of a bad team, the Grizzlies are the go-to.  Allowing them to pick in front of the Kings, who had the worst record in the league this season, is a clear message that David Stern is tired of all that LasVegas talk the Kings’ owners have been spouting recently.  Stern essentially gave them an under-the-table bitch slap saying, ‘you want to go to Vegas?  I won’t oppose you publicly, but good luck building your team around Beno Udrih.’ 

The Commish probably could have worked out a way to get Indiana into the top 5 despite their long odds of doing so, but it seems he’s given up on them.  They could be bankrupt or moving to Canada or something even more terrible.  I don’t know what that is exactly… trading for Zach Randolph?  Whichever way they’re going, it’s not the right direction and the league obviously isn’t ready to stick its neck out for them just yet.  Maybe they can get some help next year when the Kings and Grizzlies are back at the top, or bottom, of the lotto vying for John Wall and Derrick Favors.

Tags: basketball, Blake Griffin, Hasheem Thabeet, Indiana Pacers, Memphis Grizzlies, NBA, NBA Draft, NCAA, Oklahoma, Oklahoma City Thunder, Sacramento Kings