Guerdwich Montimer Blows Lid Off Contrived Movie Plots

Lyla was too old to be in high school too but nobody complained.

Hopefully, you’ve been at least passively following the chronicles of Guerdwich Montimer, aka Jerry Joseph, aka the dude in the middle of the shit-storm in Odessa, Texas.  Montimer had been posing as an innocent high school student and basketball star until coaches from his former school recognized him and completely spoiled his plan like Scooby-Doo and the Mystery Team.  The problem wasn’t that Montimer had transferred from another school, but rather that he transferred after graduating from high school and briefly attending a junior college.  Apparently, Texas’ high school athletics association frowns on collegiate transfers.

Also frowning on 21-year-old men attending high school under the guise of being 16, apparently everyone else in Texas and maybe America.  Last week, Montimer was arrested three times in four days.  Reached for comment, Darryl Strawberry said, “Not bad…for a kid.”

Montimer was initially cuffed for failure to properly identify himself to a police officer, then again for tampering with government documents and finally when a fellow student came forward and said she and Montimer had engaged in a sexual relationship, which would have been fine if he had really been 15 like he said…or if she had really been 18 like I assume she said.

So, essentially, what all this proves is that you can’t re-do high school.  Someone please alert Hollywood that this plot device is no longer acceptable.  Drew Barrymore made a movie just like this about a decade ago.  Except she didn’t play basketball and she may not have slept with anyone.  Clearly, it was an intensely boring film.  But now it’s also unrealistic.  Where was the scene where Drew is arrested for not properly identifying herself and for forging official documents?  Correct me if that was in there because I may have fallen asleep or drank that memory from my mind.

Nick Cannon also made a movie where he went back to high school.  And he did play basketball…and he was black…and he made an improper joke about boning his underage classmates.  Long story short, cancel your plans to make a Montimer bio-pic because Nick Cannon did it five years ago.

Tags: basketball, Guerdwich Montimer, high school, Texas

Racism Motivates High School Football Players

Boo, racism

Melvindale High School, located in the Detroit area, has an undefeated football team.  Monday night, the players, who have clearly seen ‘Rudy’ too many times, had to throw their jerseys in a pile at a school board meeting to keep their head coach from being fired.  The tactic didn’t keep the coach’s brother, a volunteer assistant, from getting the axe.  Obviously, someone did something stupid here.  Besides whoever thought ‘Melvindale’ was a sweet name for a town and high school.  God, I hope their mascot is a buck-toothed donkey named Melvin.

Assistant coach Denny Howard was forced out of his assistant coaching duties after being held responsible after giving players a flyer that accused their next opponent’s head coach of making racist statements.  Melvindale went on to beat that team 35-0.

In a world where it’s difficult to find a good youth coach and even harder to find one that will work for free, how can anyone justify firing someone who clearly knows how to motivate young people?  The racism, you say?  He’s not the one who used the ‘N-word’ (twice), it was the coach of that team they were about to play, can’t you read?

The opposing coach, Ron Adams of Wyandotte, claimed he never made any statements like the ones printed on Melvindale’s flyer.  On the other hand, he’s a racist so why should anyone believe him?

Everyone seems to be overlooking the fact that Melvindale is 9-0.  Nine wins and zero losses.  I believe that was the point when Melvindale started a football program, to win games and get kids interested in something that was good for them.  If they have to use some possibly false racist statements to achieve those goals, then so be it.  I’m guessing this isn’t the first time football has seen this type of motivation either.  SEC…I’m looking in your general direction.

At least the school board didn’t completely lose track of what is important: putting a trophy in that trophy case.  They allowed the head coach to stay on until the end of the season, when his case will be reviewed again.  I’m guessing if he has a state championship trophy to testify on his behalf, he’ll be alright.

Tags: douchebaggery, football, high school, racism

Kaleb Eulls, Not A 2nd Amendment Fan

The story of high school football star Kaleb Eulls is a hot topic around the Internet today.  The 4-star defensive end prospect tackled and disarmed a 14-year-old girl with a loaded gun on his school bus.  Needless to say, I’m pretty jealous.  I’m still paying for the last time I tackled and physically abused a 14-year-old girl like that.  I mean really, I get it already, that type of horseplay is frowned upon in church.

Eulls actions allowed 22 other people, including his three sisters, to escape unharmed and has made him a hero in the process.  He’s currently committed to play at Mississippi State but after all of the media coverage he’s getting, he can probably get a scholarship to a good school now.

I would like to apologize to Eulls on behalf of everyone in the media, or pretending to be in the media like myself and the idiots on The Today Show.  Here’s an actual quote, seriously this time, from the package they put together on the incident.

“Quarterbacks aren’t usually in position to tackle until they’ve been intercepted…but this same QB, who doubles as a great defender made the interception and tackle of his life.”

Now here’s the actual conversation, not seriously this time, that went on between the producer and editor of that package.

‘You know whose job it is to make interceptions and tackles?  Defenders.’

‘Hey, this kid is a nationally rated defensive player, let’s make that connection.’

‘Isn’t that too obvious?’

‘How about we talk about how it’s not his job to tackle and make interceptions usually, even though it very clearly is.’

‘My God, you’ve done it again.’

Bootlegged from Dr. Saturday

Tags: football, high school, Kaleb Eulls

LeBron Wants Your Hate

See what I mean?

LeBron James had been a tough sports figure to root against.  He’s incredible on the court and usually a charismatic and charming character off of it.  Then, at some point during this past season, he decided he’d like to alienate everyone who has ever cheered for him.  First, he was a poor loser by snubbing his post-game media responsibilities after a playoff loss to the Magic.  Then, he was involved in the video of him getting dunked on being confiscated.  Now, he’d like to tell you how hard it is being a 17-year-old phenom who can do whatever he wants in high school.  I have one word for you LBJ…boo. 

James has written a book with co-author Buzz Bissinger, known best for book ‘Friday Night Lights’ and his generally insane statements.  In it, James admits to smoking marijuana once.  Once?!?  Really?  Once?  He isn’t really building his credibility with that admission, but let’s move on.  He blames teachers and coaches for giving he and his teammates inflated egos and allowing them to be rock stars around the school.  Wow, LeBron, that must have been really hard for you.  Tell me, which is more difficult to look back on now, knowing you could have sex with any student, or teacher, you wanted to, knowing you could do anything you wanted to without consequence or knowing you’d be a millionaire in another year?  There are surely war veteran amputees who will read this book and gain perspective.  ‘Boy, I thought I had it tough,’ they’ll say. 

Like all of today’s NBA superstars, LeBron is probably just trying to emulate Michael Jordan.  MJ was once a beloved and respected figure who no one openly despised.  But then, he retired, came back, retired, came back, retired, his gambling problems became public, he failed repeatedly as a front office guy, got divorced and is probably right now consulting with Mike Vick about how to further alienate fans.  Maybe James truly is better than Jordan.  While Mike’s fan-losing tour has lasted for years and years, LeBron is on his way to losing more fans in a single off-season. 

Based on the recent evidence, is there any doubt that LeBron will be leaving Cleveland after this season?  That’s the one group that will continue to cheer him as long as he can win them a championship.  The only way to piss them off is to play for another team.  I’d say New York and Philadelphia are the front runners to get him.  You know, somewhere even the home fans aren’t afraid to boo you.

Tags: basketball, Cleveland Cavaliers, high school, LeBron James, NBA

Good Morning Dave Bliss

Did you get the Saved By the Bell reference?

At 9AM Tuesday morning, about 100 coaches gathered to hear a speaker at the annual Texas High School Coaches Association convention.  The message was simple, don’t pay your players illegally…but if you must, don’t let them murder each other…but if you do, don’t tell anyone about paying them.  Sage advice from a man who has seen more as a basketball coach than John Wooden or Coach K.  Former Baylor men’s basketball coach Dave Bliss is the only NCAA basketball coach who can dispense advice on that particular subject so he’s doing what he can to ensure that he continues to monopolize that small area of expertise. 

Bliss seems like a strange choice to speak and advise a room full of high school coaches considering he’s been blackballed from ever coaching in the NCAA again and nearly destroyed an entire program.  That dark time has given him great perspective though.  When other, less experienced coaches hear people talking about how wrong it is to cheat or cover up a murder, it doesn’t make a big impact because those dispensing the advice haven’t gone through anything like that.  Bliss has the resume to back up his talk, so coaches listen. 

After the conference, one coach might have spoke about the impact Bliss had on him. 

You know, I saw what happened at Baylor and was thinking, maybe I could pay some mediocre players and lie about them when one turned up dead.  That seemed to have put Dave Bliss on the map, really made a name for him.  But, after what he said today, I think that might be a bad move.

Plenty of people will be hesitant to forgive Bliss.  He created a toxic environment that led to the death of one of his players.  The blame rests on his shoulders for the same reason that blogs are being blamed for the Erin Andrews peephole video.  Only, blogs haven’t told people that it was probably Erin’s own fault for standing around naked so much (is it too late for that?). 

But Bliss is doing all of the right things now.  He’s spreading his very specific message of enlightenment to other coaches who may be considering going down the dark road that only one man has been down before.  His speech had such a profound impact, the Texas High School Athletics Association has used its message in this year’s slogan: ‘players murdering players is frowned upon.’

Tags: basketball, Baylor, Dave Bliss, high school, NCAA, Texas