Astros Pitcher Swears He Isn’t That Bad

Wesley's duodenum is acting up

The Houston Astros managed to beat the Cubs in Wrigley last night while losing three pitchers.  Starter Roy Oswalt went down with back pain, reliever LaTroy Hawkins has been diagnosed with shingles and then there’s Wesley Wright.  The man that came out of the bullpen when Oswalt was forced to leave gave up three runs and walked five in just over 2 innings of work, but he has an excuse.  It was appendicitis…or dehydration…or, uh, rickets?

Watching Wright’s performance last night was like watching a dog try to act, he couldn’t hit the mark.  What, too cheesy for you?  How about it was like the Congressional Hearing on Steroids, they couldn’t hit the Mark either.  You know, because McGwire was there and he was all shifty.  What do you mean that’s not why it wasn’t funny?

The point is, Wright couldn’t throw strikes.  He wasn’t wild like a major league pitcher is wild on an off night.  More like wild like a Little League pitcher on an average night.  He wasn’t quite as bad as Rick Ankiel though, so he’s got that going for him.  His choices after being pulled were to wait for the ax to fall and possibly be sent down to the minors or claim injury.  I think we can all agree he made the correct choice.  I’d rather sit through a night of invasive, unnecessary medical tests than go back to the minors after getting a taste of the bigs.  That logic is probably the same in the porn industry…think about it for a second. 

Wright certainly isn’t the first athlete to claim injury rather than embarrassment.  Quarterbacks routinely hold their arm after throwing interceptions, Blake Griffin had terrible wrist pain after he missed free throws last season and soccer players, well soccer players are injured all the time, whether they just screwed up or not. 

Wright isn’t even the first baseball player to skirt the blame of a poor performance.  Outfielders miss a catch because of the sun, catchers make bad throws because of that damn chest protector, an entire team fails to win titles because of a goat.  Obviously, if baseball is America’s past-time, inventing reasons why our failure isn’t our fault is the American way.

Tags: baseball, Houston Astros, MLB, Roy Oswalt, Wesley Wright

It’s Not Baseball Season Yet Dammit

Slow down buddy, there's alot of boring stories left to be told

On a sunny, summer day in mid-July, it’s a nice change of pace to grab a couple of beers and relax in your air-conditioned house while a slow paced baseball game plays out on your TV.  But here we are in mid-February, my air conditioner might have been abducted by aliens for all I know and the last thing I want to hear about is baseball.  Apparently, the mainstream media disagrees with me about what I want to hear about. 

This isn’t baseball season.  You know how I know?  Because papers across the country are running stories like this:

Alfonso Soriano might not hit lead-off for the Cubs this year.  I might not watch my dog lick itself for 20 minutes and wonder why God didn’t give me that ability.  Which of these stories was a bigger waste of your time?

Astros’ pitcher Mike Hampton has a “glitch” in his EKG.  This explains alot… which part of your heart do you use to throw a curve ball?  Even the Astros call this detail “minor”.  If this is the best MLB.com can do, imagine what reporters with less access are coming up with.

The Tigers’ have two new catchers.  Jesus Christ, the most interesting part of this story is that one of them is Misty May’s husband.  This story should be called, don’t draft a Tigers’ catcher in fantasy baseball.

Joe Mauer is recovering from surgery.  So, this is an update of a story you did after he had surgery two months ago that said he would be recovering for the next three months.  In other news, Ted Williams continues to recover from death.

Jason Bay showed up.  That’s it…I’m off to burn my baseball glove.  Come and get me when the Cubs are officially eliminated.

Tags: Alfonso Soriano, baseball, Chicago Cubs, Detroit Tigers, Houston Astros, Jason Bay, Joe Mauer, Mike Hampton, Misty May, MLB